Page 93 of Perfect Guy
“Sure.” I’m being cold, but it’s for my own self-preservation. I can’t get my hopes up, and even if he wants to apologize and be together, there are so many things we need to discuss before that happens.
I take a seat on the sofa after he invites me to do so. Canaan sits on the armchair across from me, the coffee table creating a barrier.
“I wanted to apologize for the way I treated you,” he begins.
I stare at him, waiting for more.
“Joy knocked some sense into me yesterday, and I’ve been thinking about what she said. I’ve told you many times that you deserve someone who treasures and cherishes you, who treats you like a queen. I failed you, breaking my own promises.” He looks down, shaking his head.
“The thing is that I stopped becoming the man you deserve. I’m not the same man. I feel it, and I know you do, too. This version of me,” he waves a hand over his body, “isn’t worthy of your love.”
“Canaan…” I whisper, not wanting to hear him talk about himself this way.
“It’s true. I can’t control my moods. I’m happy one second and a prick the next. I forget shit. I couldn’t remember when you were coming over or that we had talked on the phone. You deserve someone who remembers every detail, can surprise you because he made promises.” The pain in his eyes when he stares at me is crushing.
“You’re going through an injury, healing. This is temporary.”
“What if it’s not? Long-term effects are possible.” His voice begins to get agitated.
“Take a deep breath,” I command, but he ignores me.
“Madelyn, I can spend the rest of my life struggling with short-term memory. The mood swings can continue. I can be at risk of other complications down the road. You don’t deserve that.”
I stand, anger taking over. “You don’t get to choose what I deserve.” My voice booms, taking us both by surprise. Canaan blinks blankly.
“How dare you make that decision for me? How dare you?” I begin pacing.
“You don’t know what I want. If I tell you that I’m here for you, believe it, damn it. If we can’t overcome this, then we can’t overcome other struggles in life together because nothing is fucking peachy forever.” My fists clench by my sides.
“I was scared.” His voice is low as if it pains him to admit that.
“So was I! Of losing you, unsure if you’d survive this. When you did…I was so damn happy,” tears fill my eyes, making my voice tremble. “I gave thanks, knowing we still had so much life to live together.” I drop onto the sofa. “Then, you pushed me away as if I meant nothing. Nothing.” I widen my eyes, ignoring the tears gliding down my cheeks.
“Don’t cry,” he pleads.
“Too late.” I scrub my face.
“If you don’t want me, just say it. Let’s get this over with. I can’t handle it anymore. Maybe all I’m worth is being used, a pretty toy to play with like my professor wanted. Like you clearly did.” I shake my head.
“The stupid country girl.” I laugh dryly, with no humor behind the chuckle.
“What the fuck?” Canaan growls.
“Don’t act like some kind of knight now.”
“Madelyn,” my name comes out in an angry growl. “Don’t fucking compare me to that douche. I did it for your own good. So you wouldn’t spend your life taking care of me and could live. What if I never get better? What if I can’t work the way I used to? I didn’t want you tied to a sick man. Like I told Joy, what if I have a kid and forget about him or her, leave them in the car or at home or forget to feed them?”
I drop my head in my hands and rub my forehead. So much for getting rid of that headache.
“You’re not a sick man. Your life will go back to some kind of normal. Maybe to your complete normal. We don’t know that yet. The doctor said your recovery is going well. Stop freaking thinking of the worse situation.” I look up at him.
“Do you know what hurt the most? Realizing that if it were me in your shoes, you’d bail. You’d leave me when I needed you the most. I don’t know if I can forget that.”
“I wouldn’t,” he argues.
“Actions speak louder than words, Canaan. You pushed me away when things got hard. You left me, not realizing I was also working through this, that I was worried about you.”
“That’s what I don’t want. I don’t want you to spend your days worrying. I won’t be a burden.”