Page 66 of When the Ice Melts
CHAPTER 15
Who am I?
It was the question that had led Addisyn across a continent, the problem that drove her from New York City to remote Whistler. Well, now she had her answer.
She was a failure. A complete and utter failure.
Lying back on her bed, she stared at that stain on her ceiling—the same one she’d gazed at the night of her arrival. She was right back where she’d started.
Except worse, because her heart had rebelled for the sake of a dark-haired, gentle-eyed man named Darius. A man who didn’t want her, didn’t love her, and would hate her if he knew the truth about her past.
Addisyn took a deep breath and forced thoughts of Darius from her mind. Aside from finding some way to mend her broken heart, she needed a real, feasible plan. One that preferably didn’t involve staying in Whistler much longer.
Rain sloshed against the windows of her hotel. Addisyn was sick of today’s weather. It had been as dreary and nasty as possible. By the time she left work at three o’clock, cars were already using their headlights, and street lamps were flickering on. She hadn’t dared call an Uber—what if Darius answered!—and had been forced to ride the bus home, although she hated the crowding hassle of public transport on wet days.
Addisyn pressed the heels of her hands against her eyes and sat up.Approach this methodically,she lectured herself. She pulled a pen and notepad from the drawer of the bedside table and sat cross-legged on the comforter. Uncapping the pen, she tried to think.
Go to the Athletes’ Center and try to hire a new coach.
The idea was as ludicrous as it was audacious. Just march up to the Center? That was off-limits to ex-stars. She’d found that out the hard way. And her chance was over. Whom could she hope to hire? Did she even want to try again? Her spirits seemed to have no emotional energy to keep them buoyant.
Additionally, she couldn’t forget that she was in a foreign country. If she wanted to compete for Team USA, she’d have to return to the States. She could try to be accepted to Team Canada, which had a strong skating presence internationally, but she was far from ready to commit to the residency requirements.
Make a permanent home in Whistler and save enough money to go back to college. Then find a good job.
This time she rolled her eyes at her own stupidity. Sure, pay her way through school on a coffee-shop salary? And she didn’t have any other skills. Skating was all she knew—the only job she’d had except a brief summer stint working at a pet shop when she was in high school. She wasn’t the shining star employers were searching for. No degree, no permanent residence, no skill set. And certainly no references.
Addisyn felt the tremble of tears on her lip. Angrily she swiped at her eyes and scribbled one more word on the corner of the paper. Then circled it several times.
FAILURE!!!!
Anyway, staying in Whistler would put her in uncomfortable proximity to Darius. She couldn’t handle that. Not until she managed to get a grip on her mutilated heart and remind it why this could never happen again.
The truth was clear: she had no options. The fact gave her a panicky feeling. What was she going to do?
Again she thought about Avery. Her sister’s voice floated into her head. “Skating isn’t everything, Ads. Make some room in your life for learning and growing as a person. And for El Shaddai.”
El Shaddai.The name was a mystery to Addisyn. Goodness, she wasn’t even sure how to spell it. But she knew who her sister meant. God.
Addisyn blew out a long breath. Avery had been so earnest, so sincere in her faith. She’d tried to teach Addisyn, but it just didn’t—connect, somehow. Back then, Addisyn had had skating and Avery. Who needed some man in the clouds?
Now she thought back to the years Avery had raised her. How often had she seen her sister on her knees in front of the wooden bench in the corner of their apartment? Carrying all her burdens to God. She’d always rise with new strength, new resolve.
What if she prayed? Like, right now? It couldn’t hurt, right? The possibility floated in her mind like a shiny balloon until it popped on the sharp edges of reality. Who was she kidding? Avery was disappointed in her, angry. The last time she’d seen her sister, she’d been scowling, crying, distraught. Telling Addisyn that this was sin and God would not honor her decision and stuff like that.
At the time, Avery’s warnings had seemed like legalistic rules. Moving in with Brian had felt right somehow. Natural, logical, beautiful even. But how ugly and twisted it had become.
If God ever had noticed Addisyn Miles, He was probably just as angry as Avery. Addisyn knew enough of the Bible to realize she’d broken quite a few of His commands.
Still, what other option did she have?
She bent her head but kept her eyes open. “Dear God.” Her voice stalled.This feels weird.She tried again. “Dear God, I am sure You are angry with me. I know I shouldn’t have done a lot of that stuff.” Was she crazy? “I need help.” She could hear the flat resignation in her voice. “I don’t have a plan.”
She paused, but she didn’t see the thunderbolt of judgment that zapped the less-than-perfect folks in cartoons. Instead, a crazy realization flashed into her mind. One that shocked her almost as much as the lightning bolt would have. One she would never have expected.
She suddenly realized that she would have kept any rule, endured any tongue-lashing, and borne any repercussions in the world for just one thing—to see her sister walk through the door of her hotel room.
If only she could rewind time, go back to that moment when she was stepping into Brian’s swanky BMW to drive away, leaving Avery sobbing on the iron steps of the apartment building. She’d leap out of the shiny black ride, drop her luggage. She’d run back into the embrace of the sister who’d loved her more than life and beg for forgiveness for even considering something so stupid.