Page 86 of Hiding Forever
25
Nova
I’ve kept myself from crying for a week. That’s not to say I haven’t felt the familiar burn of unshed tears whenever I think of Riley, which is all the time. But, I have kept those liquid emotions under control.
I’ve also sketched fifteen designs in total, enough for a collection. Gigi’s seamstress, Katia, made three of my designs so far and continues to work on the others I sent.
I should take a break. I’ve been on a strict schedule: kittens, yoga in the yard after breakfast, kittens again, discussing fabrics and going over my designs with Katia, walking the treadmill in the gym, more kitten time, and posting daily videos for Riley.
Social media is all over my posts, speculating who they’re for and even suggesting I’m crazy or locked in rehab and this is my way of seeking help to escape. That was my favorite. Gigi and I laughed about it, making jokes over wine and pasta.
I walk to the guest room that Gigi and I turned into an office for me. Katia will be bringing two new outfits by this afternoon. I pin the next two I want made on the bulletin board and gather two options of fabric for an evening gown I created the other day. I want a shimmery gold, but Gigi thinks shimmery green would look best. This one is a nod to old Hollywood glam from the twenties. Maybe I’ll have the gown made in both fabrics.
Gigi waltzes into the room. “Green?” Her bright eyes devour the shimmery emerald material. “Please.”
I laugh. “You’re begging? That’s a first.”
“I woke up with the most brilliant idea. Gatsby Night!” She waves her hands, making an arch. “Everyone will be expected to dress in theme, of course. We’ll have a showing of the movie on a projector in the yard and serve a buffet of popular dishes from that era. What do you think?”
“I think it sounds very you. And it’s a good thing I decided to have two gowns made. One in gold and one in green. For each of us. Although, now, I’m thinking of designing something a bit flapper-inspired for me.”
“And miss the chance to dress as twins with your beloved grandmother?” Gigi says, and for the first time I can’t tell whether she’s joking.
In the past, I would have been ashamed to wear a dress that I know would look better on Gigi’s lithe figure than my curves, but I’m tired of that girl. She’s exhausting. Besides, I’ve considered why certain celebrities, like Kim Kardashian, have no problem rocking their curves, which are near-identical to mine, and I am ridiculed by the press. My conclusion is that they own their bodies. They celebrate their curves. I even found some bad press, hurtful posts about Kim K’s figure throughout her career. She’s not immune to it any more than I am. She just keeps showing off how amazing she looks and how proud she is, and it seems to overshadow the rest.
For so long, I allowed this hurt to consume me. Now, I only need my approval to be happy. It isn’t always easy, and I have moments, but I work through them. I self-talk.
Porsha has been trying to show me this inner strength through the blog she connected me with, but my eyes or mind weren’t open to it before.Shit.I forgot to text her my latest design last night.
“Hold that thought.” I raise a finger to Gigi, then find my sketch on the desk and snap a picture of it to send to Porsha.
Me: Sorry, girl. I fell asleep. But here you are. I was thinking a soft linen fabric in khaki with gold buttons. If you want it made, let me know.
She replies with a laughing emoji.
Porsha:I fell asleep, too. And I LOVE this design. Yes to the linen khaki and gold buttons. When can I order one?
She wants one? Of course she does, and immediately. It’s so her.
Me: I’ll have one made and if it meets my approval without needing adjustments, perhaps in a month. Katia is busy bringing my complete collection to life. Can you believe I have a collection?
Porsha: Yes! I wondered what took you so long. Your creations were always better than mine. And since I’ve shifted gears to being a stylist, I no longer feel inferior. lol On a diff note, how are you doing?
Porsha called me a few days after Riley left. I tried faking a good mood, but she knows me too well. Without going into too much detail, I told her about a guy I was friends with and sort of fell for by mistake, which she found hilarious and replied with, “Maybe you were meant to fall for him. Maybe he’s the one.”
That put too much hope in my head. I like to keep that hope to Riley seeing my Instagram posts of me and the kittens. Besides, she wouldn’t understand how wrong she is without knowing the full story and it’s not mine to tell.
Me: I’m doing well and keeping busy. The good news is my head is in the right place for the first time in my life.
In regard to he-who-can’t-be-named, I still miss him and want him more than I want this collection brought to life. I don’t add that, just keep it to myself.
Porsha: I’m happy for you, love! So happy! Gabby says she’s glad you found your lady balls. Keep me posted on the outfit.
Me: Will do!I add a heart-kiss emoji.
“I haven’t seen you smile that big in a long time,” Gigi says from where she stands near the dress fabric.
“I was texting Porsha.”