Page 109 of Rust
“Uh-huh,” he said doubtfully. “Right.”
“He does. And he understands me, too.”
He scoffed. “What he ‘understands’ is that you’re nineteen.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“It means you’re young and beautiful and in the prime of your life, andthat’swhat Rust likes about you.”
“No. You’re wrong. Hedoesunderstand me.”
“Well, sure. Of course he does. It’s not difficult to understand a child who doesn’t have much life experience.”
My nostrils flared. “Why do you always do that? Why do you cut me down and make me feel so worthless? I’mnota kid anymore, Dad. I’m a grown adult. No, I don’t have a ton of life experience, but so what? That doesn’t mean I don’t have dimensions to my personality. I’ve been through some shit of my own.”
He tutted. “Like what?”
“You made me feel likeI’mthe reason why you didn’t make it as a pro hockey player. All you ever talk about is how close you were to making it as a pro hockey player, and how your life ‘ended’ when you had me. And so you put all this pressure on meto makeyouhappy and live up toyourdreams to makeyoursacrifice worth it. It’s not fair, Dad. I’m truly sorry your dreams didn’t pan out, but I’ve got dreams of my own. And I’m tired of feeling like I don’t deserve happiness because I have to live a life that makesyouhappy.”
“So you paid me back by screwing my best friend behind my back?”
“What?!No.I didn’t get with Rust to hurtyou. Why would you even think that? I got with Rust because Ilikehim. He’s sweet and caring and—”
“And I’m the monster who fucked you up by putting expectations on you. Got it.” Dad rocked back and forth. “So Rust helped you understand all this about me, did he?”
“He did,” I said cautiously. “But not in a bad way. He’s never said a single bad word about you because he loves you. But he had a different perspective which really helped me understand things differently, and—”
Dad cut me off. “So you think he cares about you? Really? Truly?”
“Yes, Dad. Iknowhe does.”
“Yeah? So I’m curious. While you were having these incredibly deep conversations and getting to know each other, did Rust happen to tell you what he told me when Ele got pregnant with you?”
I jogged my memory. “Yeah, he said something like, he thought having a baby might help you dedicate yourself to hockey.”
“Is that what he told you?” His shoulders shook with ominous laughter. “Nope. Sorry. Not even close. Rust told me I’d never make the show with a kid in tow.” He leaned across the table with an ugly sneer and said, “He asked if Ele would consider an abortion.”
My hand shot to my womb, instinctively protecting the life inside me. The lifeRusthad put inside me. I couldn’t believe he was the same man Dad was describing.
“What?” I whimpered. “No. No, there’s no way he’d say that.”
He nodded. “I swear to you, he did. I told him absolutely not, that I’d never eventhinkabout an abortion. Then he asked if Ele would give you up for adoption instead.”
I felt like I’d been stabbed in the heart.
“So go ahead; blame me for all your life’s problems if you want. That’s part of being a parent, I guess. But spare me all the bullshit about Rust understanding you. Because if I’d listened to him, you wouldn’t even be here right now.”
Silent tears spilled down my cheek.
“I’m sorry you had to hear that,” Dad said, his face filling with regret. “I really wish I didn’t have to tell you that. But as your dad, it’smyjob to protect you. And I swear to you, Izzy, Ineverconsidered giving you up, not once—”
“I’m leaving,” I said, and slid out of the booth. “Bye.”
Dad chased after me as I fled the diner, but I didn’t stop. I jumped in my car, locked the doors and left. Dad banged on the windows, trying to get me to stop.
“Izzy, wait! Don’t go! Fuck, I’m sorry. Honey … please …”