Page 120 of Dare To Love Me
BECKA
It turned out to be an exceptionally beautiful day in northern California. The sun burned bright, but not too hot. The trees and plants were still bright green and vibrant in the early summer. Wisps of clouds stretched across a blue sky while the light breeze rustled the leaves overhead. The dark casket threw the sun’s rays into the small gathering of people standing around. An arrangement of assorted spring flowers reflected off the perfectly polished surface.
I swallowed for the hundredth time at the unyielding lump in my throat that lodged itself there days ago. Tears fell from the corners of my eyes but instead of whipping them away I let them blaze trails down my face.
I thought the past week had been the hardest thing I’d ever endured— including being kidnapped by the mafia— but sitting in front of my grandmother’s casket rocked me with shattering force. My heart had lost a piece that would never be replaced, healed over maybe, but nothing would ever fill that void.
One day, I will see you again.
But until that day I would long for her presence here on earth.
After a few days— with Luca’s help— I’d been able do deal with the legal matters. We found out from Grandma’s lawyer that I had power of attorney which made things a hundred times easier. Grandma had also left detailed instructions on what she wanted done when she passed. It was a relief that settled the anxiety that had crushed me for days.
She knew how devastated I would be to loose her, planning everything to a T for me. Funeral plans, what she wanted done with her possessions, a bank account in my name for any remaining money to be transferred into, including a life insurance policy that would pay for any remaining medical bills and then some. All laid out in great detail.
A small squeeze on my hand made me take a deep breath, rippling through my body to take the slightest edge off my sorrow. Luca had been by my side more in the last week than I expected. I knew he delegated important tasks to other men in order to do so. It made him uneasy.
Luca was a man of responsibility. He took his job seriously knowing that Matteo and Lorenzo trusted him to never fail. Letting his responsibilities fall on someone else worked at his nerves. I tried to tell him that I would be ok if he didn’t feel comfortable taking so much time away from work, but he refused to leave me alone in my turmoil. And I was thankful for it, because in truth, I was not ok at all.
Having Luca near rivaled a level of comfort I’d only ever felt from my grandparents. Praying helped; it calmed my mind and grounded me spiritually. But his physical touch; every time he held me, kissed me, whispered encouragement in my ear, my soul soaked it up like a sponge. I needed physical comfort. I need him.
The funeral stayed short and small just the way Grandma asked for it to be. Her picture, with Clair Ashley North written on it, sat on the easel next to her casket, her violin sat beneath it.
“Your grandmother was beautiful.” My heart fluttered at Luca’s words. She was a beautiful woman, even at the age of sixty when the picture was taken. “And you have her radiant smile.” My heart clenched and I squeezed his hand tight.
The pastor finished up and people began to approach to offer their condolences. Luca stood behind me silently, but stepped forward to shake hands when someone inquired about him. Even with the looks of shock directed at us I smiled, never once feeling ashamed about confessing that Luca and I had gotten married so fast. No one would take away what little happiness and comfort I had left.
My only regret was that Arianna couldn’t be there. After catching some sort of stomach bug that she swore was going to kill her I insisted she stay home. Though both Matteo and myself had to threaten to tie her to the bed before she agreed. Still, I missed her supporting presence.
After everyone leftwe made our way to my apartment. Luca had been paying all my bills for me, so I knew I wouldn’t be walking into an apartment emptied of all my things and a landlord that wanted to shoot me.
I thought driving though my home town would be familiar, but there was no light-hearted feeling of reminiscing. It just all seemed… empty. My apartment felt even more foreign. Walking through the door it didn’t feel right, like it had never been mine in the first place. I thought coming back would make my heart soar, instead loneliness dominated.
My fingers brushed surfaces as I walked into a space I no longer felt a connection to. I could feel Luca studying me from the closed door. He’d come in behind me and not taken a step further. I couldn’t tell if it was my disquiet that bothered him or seeing the life that was ripped from me. I know he was worried about me. In truth I hadn’t said hardly a word directly to him all day, and could tell it was eating at him to not know what is going on in my head.
Picking up a picture of Grandma and me off the end table next to the couch I brushed the dust away and reverently touched her face. It was a picture from a camping weekend on the coast. The cloudy day and rough seas didn’t deter us from venturing out to the beach.
I miss you.
I headed for my old bedroom and sat on the end of the bed. I stared at the picture, my grandmother’s warm smile contradicted the gray sky in the background.
The floor creaked as Luca entered the room and lowered himself to crouch down in front of me. I didn’t look at him but felt his hands settle on my knees, caressing them softly.
“Becka. Are you ok?”
“Yes. No.” The answer could differ every five minutes.
He sighed. “I know it’s hard right now. Trust me I know what it’s like to loose the only family you have but…”
My small, sad bubble of laughter cut him off.
His hands flexed on my knees. “Why are you laughing?”
“Because you think that my grandmother was my only family.”
“You said you don’t have a relationship with your mom. That you don’t know where any of her side of the family is.”
My focus remained on the picture. “You’re right, and she is not any part of my family.”