Page 93 of The Long Way Home
Twenty-Three
BJ
Jordan took Parks staying better than I thought she would.
Better than I wanted her to, actually.
I think a bit of me hoped we’d get into a fight, she’d get angry and call it off but she didn’t.
Henry says it’s because she wants to be an influencer and I’m good for her profile, but I kind of think she’s just alone in London.
Which makes it shittier and harder to do what I think I want to do.
“So,” Jonah stands in my doorway with his arms folded. “Parks staying in London. Bit of a spanner.”
I glance up at him. Been pretty quiet about it. “Did you know?”
He shakes his head.
“Bullshit.” I cock my chin at him. “Tausie didn’t tell you?”
Shakes his head again. “She didn’t know either. Apparently Parks said she wanted you to be the first person she told.”
I flop my head backwards. Fuck.
“I haven’t spoken to her since,” I tell him.
Feel guilty about it, but I don’t know what to say. My reaction was bad. I’m fucking chuffed she’s staying. I want her to stay, she’s my best friend. Bit of an understatement, I suppose… I just thought everything was off the table.
Or, nah, I think I hoped that everything was still on the table but I just thought I had more time to get the table ready…
I’m not ready, I don’t think.
It was such a mindfuck for me to get around the idea of dating anyone who wasn’t Parks and I finally did it and now I’m with someone else — and I don’t know what to do. It should be obvious, I know. Me and Parks are never obvious though; even when we’re crystal clear we manage to find a way to convolute things.
I’ll hurt her, she’ll hurt me, I’ll do something back, she’ll do something worse — it’s just how we are now. And I wish I could stop it, but it’s like we’re stuck on a fucking track. At least we’re on the track together, I guess.
I look back up at Jo. “What the fuck am I going to do?”
“I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing as it is, Beej.” Jonah shakes his head at me. “This is Parks we’re talking about.”
“Yeah, but I’m with Jordan.”
He gives me an impatient look. “So end it.”
He turns and walks out of my room.
I trail after him up the stairs, shove my hands into my track pants. “It’s not that easy.”
“Why?” He frowns.
“Because I’m trying to do the right thing.” I sigh. I’m trying to be good enough for her.
He looks at me like he doesn’t get it. “Okay?”
“And it’d be kind of shit of me to finally decide to date this girl and it be this big deal, then only date her a month, and dump her because Parks is back.”
Jonah sighs, leaning back against the kitchen bench. “Would it?”