Page 40 of Academically Yours
“Where to next, sweetheart?” Matthew asked with a smile in his eyes. I interlocked our hands again as we headed towards the African Savanna habitat, home to—among other things—the Giraffes.
We watched them from the railing together, and I squeezed Matthew’s hand. I could tell he’d been in his head all day, but I didn’t know why. I didn’t really know that much about him when it came down to it, so I had no idea what was bothering him, I just knew I wanted to make him smile again.
I nudged him with my shoulder. “Come on, I know something I think you’ll like,” I said, my face breaking out into a wicked smile.
“Oh?” he asked, and when I led him in front of the Dippin’ Dots booth, he laughed. “You want to get ice cream in 50-degree weather?”
“Come on, it’s like the zoo experience. You have to get Dippin’ Dots at the zoo.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Do you even know how to have fun?”
“Of course, I know how to have fun!”
I crossed my arms. “Prove it.”
He got vanilla, which I made fun of him for being boring, and I got the Birthday Cake flavor. “Mm,” I said as we sat down on a bench, side by side, our thighs touching. “See, wasn’t this a good idea?”
He ate a spoonful, and then looked at me with a funny face. “These are weird.”
“No way.” I looked at him, hand over my heart in shock. “Have you never had Dippin’ Dots before? Are you sure you’re from here?” I pointed my spoon at him, all serious.
He laughed. “Yes, Noelle. My family always just got regular ice cream. Like normal people.”
I narrowed my eyes. “Are you implying that I’m not normal?” I asked, pretending to be offended. But this teasing, this playful banter… it felt right. And it was good to not have Matthew looking so sullen.
He changed the topic, spoon resting in his cup as he looked out across the zoo from where we were sitting. “You really love it here, huh?”
“Yeah. My Mom used to bring me here when I was younger,” I said, looking over at him. “It’s always felt a little like home to me because of it.”
“And what about your dad?” he asked, and it took a moment for me to respond.
“I didn’t…”
“Oh.” His hand found mine and gave me a little squeeze. “I’m sorry for bringing it up. We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.”
I shook my head. “It’s not that. It’s just… I never got to have these moments with him.” I bit my lip. “It was always just me and mom.”
“I’m sorry,” he said after a few beats. “That must have been hard.”
“It was, and it wasn’t at the same time. Like… when I was younger, I didn’t know what I was missing, you know? I didn’t remember having a dad to miss him. And then I guess when I got older…” I shrugged, holding my ice cream cup between both of my hands, trying not to shiver from the cold.
He just nodded, and when I finished eating my Dippin’ Dots—it probably was too cold for them, but I wasn’t about to admit that to him—he pulled me up to my feet, grabbed my hand, and we were back on the path again, wandering around the zoo. Lions, tigers, and bears, oh my!
“You know they have red pandas here?” I said, steering him towards the exhibit, grateful for the distraction from talking about my dad. There was so much more I wanted to say, but I didn’t know if I was ready—didn’t know if my heart was ready to reveal those things to him.
We walked along, and I couldn’t help but smile as we watched the red pandas play; those things were so freaking cute, and if I audibly said aww a few too many times out loud, well. Sorry. I couldn’t help it. I had always loved cute things.
As the day wound down, and after we made one final loop, leaning against each other as we watched the sunset, I couldn’t help this feeling of rightness that spread through me. Like I was supposed to be here, today, with him.
We had seen some of my residents around during the day and had always awkwardly separated as I gave them a wave or stopped when they came up to ask me a question. But even then, it felt so natural. Even when two of the sophomores who had come up to us had recognized Matthew and told him that they were in his Introduction to Finance course. I may have giggled at his reaction after they left—he looked mortified. And a little pale, too, but I just pinched his side and pulled him towards the flamingos.
We stood by the gift shop, facing each other, far enough apart that we weren’t touching but close enough that I could study his face, the lines of his throat, the scruff on his jaw. I had the strange urge to reach out and run my fingers over it, to trace the rough edge of his face with my hand. But I didn’t, and we just stood there, transfixed. Staring at each other.
Breathing each other in.
He cleared his throat. “Thank you for today. The last time I went to the zoo, well… It’s been a long time.” He paused before saying, “About earlier, I want to—” but he got choked up.
“It’s okay,” I insisted. “You don’t have to.”
Matthew sighed, seeming almost frustrated with himself. “I want to share it with you. All of it. I’m just…” He looked so lost, eyes full of hurt and confusion and I knew whatever he felt, it was buried deep inside. I wanted him to feel comfortable sharing his fears and worries with me, but not before he was ready. Not before he realized that I wanted to keep his heart safe, that I wouldn’t let anything happen to him.