Page 1 of Reckless Abandon
1 year ago
Ryann
“What the hell do you mean you’re leaving me?” I screamed. “You said this was something you understood.”
“I changed my mind,” he informed me calmly. “I want kids of my own. That’s something you can’t give me. I need to find someone who can. I’m sorry.”
And with that my husband kissed me on the forehead, placed an envelope on the table and walked out the door. I felt numb. Standing there in our living room, looking around at the memories that we had made in the past ten years, I felt dumbstruck. I heard the powerful engine of his ‘71 Chevelle pull out of the driveway and roar down the street, and tears burned my eyes. I looked down at our pit bull, Roxy, sitting at my feet, “What the fuck just happened?”
**
I met Lucas McKennan our sophomore year at UNLV. We had a math class together. Math was definitely not my thing, but Lucas seemed to ease through the class. So when he offered to tutor me, who was I to say no. We spent many late nights together cramming for those hideous exams and it wasn’t long after that our friendship blossomed into a relationship. I wouldn’t it say it was “love at first sight” but I knew there was something special about him. Not to mention, he looked damn hot in his baseball uniform. I spent most of my afternoons staring at Luc’s sandy blonde hair, long muscular arms, and perfectly shaped ass while he practiced pitching for the Rebels. More often than not, he’d catch me and give me that panty-melting smile, letting me know what he’d be doing to me later.
The night of graduation, Lucas booked a suite at the Paris Hotel. I walked into a room filled with roses, candles, and the song he always said reminds him of me, “Just the Way You Are” by Bruno Mars, playing in the background.
“I know it's your dream to go to Paris. This is the best I can do right now. Ryann, I want to give you the world. I want us to start a life together. To have a family together. Will you give me the privilege of being my wife?” Again, who was I to say no to my sexy, blonde baseball champ? Lucas had a way of making me feel like a princess. That night my happily ever after was set to begin.
We married six months later in a small ceremony on the Eiffel Tower’s Observation Deck at the same place Lucas proposed to me. Since Luc and I were both finishing our education online, we were able to spend the first year of our marriage traveling around the world. We'd been saving for years to be able to take that trip. We put a lock on the Love Bridge in Paris, kissed in the gondolas in Venice, and made passionate love on the beaches of Bali.
Lucas and I treasured every moment we had alone, but we knew it was time to start our family. Trying for the baby was the fun part…until it wasn’t. It became work. Figuring out days, times, and body temperatures became a real pain in the ass. A year later, Lucas and I decided to seek the help of an infertility doctor. After weeks of poking and prodding, and what seemed like an endless amount of blood tests, the doctors determined that I was reason that we weren’t getting pregnant.
“Mr. and Mrs. McKennan, my team and I have reviewed the results of your tests. Mr. McKennan, you have some of the strongest swimmers we’ve seen in a while. What’s your secret?”
“Cigarettes and Dr. Pepper,” Lucas chuckled. Oh, my God! Did he really just say that? No, I must have misheard him. Nope, that was my Luc. But wait. If the problem wasn’t with Lucas, what did that mean? Holy shit, what was wrong with me?
“Dr. Ramos, what does that mean about me?” I spoke barely above a whisper.
“Well, Mrs. McKennan we aren't completely sure. Twenty-five percent of all women suffer from some sort of infertility, and of those, another twenty-five percent have an unexplained reason of why they can’t have children. All we can suggest at this point is that we continue treatments and keep trying.” Ummm, really?
One year later, I got pregnant. Knowing how excited Lucas would be, I wanted to find a special way to tell him. And having no imagination, I of course, browsed through Pinterest. After a bit of scrolling, I found a cookie with the words “Thank you for knocking me up” written in pink and blue icing. Perfect! I decided to make dinner and I give him the cookie while we were snuggling on the couch, watching one of those car racing show he loves. When I handed him the box, his eyes almost closed as he smelled the chocolate.
“Cookies! My favorite! What did I do to deserve this special treat?” he asked, as he softly kissed my nose.
“Just open the box, silly,” I giggled.
Lucas quickly lifted the lid and read the frosting writing. “Really? We did it?” I nodded. “Holy shit, we're are going to be parents!”
A few weeks later, our lives, our relationship, changed forever. Lucas and I were in our usual spot for most Saturday afternoons in the spring. High up in the bleachers watching Rebel baseball. About halfway through the game, I knew something wasn’t right. Something was wrong with our baby. Lucas rushed me to the ER, but there was nothing that could be done. We'd lost our baby.
“Well, we’ll just keep trying right?” Really? That’s all he could say? I'm not sure what I expected, but that wasn't it.
But that’s exactly what we did. Every single month. Tracking dates. Eating the right foods. Even only being allowed to fuck in certain positions. Lucas was obsessed with baby-making. All I wanted to do was enjoy my life with my husband. I was beginning to think that having a baby was more important to him than me.
And yet, despite the doctor’s thinking the chances for us were low, I became pregnant once again. Though, much more cautious this time, Lucas and I were convinced that this was our little miracle. We waited until I had made it through the first trimester to make the announcement. But as soon as we hit that milestone, Lucas and I were shouting it from every rooftop in Vegas. He even had them flash it across the marquee at a baseball games. The screen showed one of my ultrasound pictures with the caption “The future McKennan slugger making their first appearance October 2014”. I don’t think my love for Lucas could have gotten any deeper that night.
We finally reached that point in the pregnancy when we'd be able if our child was a baseball or softball player. Either way, Lucas and I didn’t care as long as our little slugger was healthy.
“How are we today?” Dr. Ramos asked as she entered into the room.
“Anxious! Excited! Ready!” Lucas and I practically said at the same time as the doctor began to squeeze cold jelly all over my tummy.
Dr. Ramos slowly rolled the wand over my abdomen as Lucas and I intently stared at the monitor, trying to see who could be the first to figure out what we were having. But something wasn’t right. Something was different this time. The doctor pulled the wand off my small baby bump. “I’m sorry to have to tell to tell you this, Mr. and Mrs. McKennan, but your little girl does not have a heartbeat.” My world stopped. Again.
Faintly I could hear Lucas yelling. It sounded so distant, like he was in a different room. “You’re wrong! I want a second opinion!”
“I’m sorry, there’s nothing more we can do.”
Everything went dark.