Page 19 of Hardest Hearts

I’ve given them the hope they need.

They don’t even want me.

I should be glad they don’t expect me to put out. That I can let my end of the deal slide, but instead it fills me with doubts and the fear that I am worthless. I have changed too much and yet not enough.

Michael trudges up to the cave. He sits at the entrance, then lies down with his head in the cave and his legs sticking out. He could wriggle further in, but if he does, he won’t be able to get up in a hurry if he needs to. He lies just so, with his head at a tilt like he knows the best way to be comfortable with his horns and then he says nothing.

It’s fine, I tell myself, without believing a word. Everyone is raw from the reading, that’s all. I swallow hard, my throat sore as though I was the one reading aloud.

And if I wake up and they are all gone?

“I understand what you mean, about the changes being related to our thoughts, our memories, us.” He puts his arm out, as though offering me a place to sleep. “I know it’s not Joe’s coils, but it’s better than the ground.”

I move in close and rest my head on his chest. For the moment, I will believe everything is okay. But he’s right. If I can’t get my voice back, then my theory is wrong, and this is all pointless.

9

Joe/Tail

Iwant to discover what that page says, but I’d rather that Talon, Theo, or whatever he wants to call himself, doesn’t find out. I don’t know why, given that Julie has read it. If Theo knows, then Michael might as well know.

After sitting still for so long, there is a fidget in my blood. An annoyance that I can’t squash down. That person who fell apart was me, yet it was like listening to the unfortunate life of a stranger. Someone on the verge of madness. Am I mad? Did I lose my mind and not realize?

“I don’t have to read it tonight,” Theo says.

For all I know, the sneaky shadow read the whole damn thing while skulking about my cave. He probably knows more about me than I do, which is a worrying thought. “Did I have legs when you moved into the cave?”

“No.”

“Right.” So it was after that ill-fated expedition.

“I think it was soon after because Michael was helping you a lot and that is odd—monsters don’t help each other unless it is to kill something bigger, and even then…” He shrugs. But I know the alliance only lasts so long. “I was intrigued by you two. And because I had nothing better to do while wasting away, I decided to see what happened next. I was waiting to see how long it took for you two to kill each other.”

“I’m so glad my life provided entertainment.” My tail rattles as I circle round him. He doesn’t seem very big, but I think is deliberately making himself appear small to be less threatening. I’m pretty sure I grew an extra yard after the last fight, though I’m sure no one else noticed.

I itch to ask him what else he saw while watching. What happened that I have forgotten about? That matters? That might help?

“You gave me a place to call home, that I could be a part of if only in my head.”

I bite back on the snarl since he is attempting to be open and honest…it feels like a trick. I’m going to wake up and find Michael and Julie and Theo gone. He’s up to something…

No, I need to stop thinking like that. If Michael and I can be different, why can’t he?

“Just read the page.” I’m surprised there was only one she thought worth skipping. If I had vetted the book, I would have skipped a few more, but maybe they needed to hear what it was like, when I first arrived, to remember how horrifying it was to be human here. My pain for their education is a bitter pill to swallow.

I don’t want to go back to the fear, to being weak, to being the easy target. Like this, I have power. My fists clench and my claws dig into my palms as this time I hear the whisper that I am still afraid and that makes me weak.

It won’t matter how big I grow, how toxic my venom, there will always be something bigger and meaner for me to fear.

I don’t want to be an asshole like my father.

Theo is staring at me, and I realize I’m rattling and tense like I’m about to strike. I force my hands to relax, then settle into a coil. Not everyone here is going to hurt me. Michael and Julie are my friends.

Theo…I still don’t trust him, even though everyone else does. Maybe it’s because I can’t see his face.

I glance back at the cave—though that is a generous description—and notice that Julie is curled up next to Michael. Well of course she is. She likes him and he’s got legs. I bet Theo has legs. I’m the proper monster here.

The thought is unsettling. Have I already become what I never wanted to be?