Page 95 of Was I Ever Here
Byzantine’s hand moves up my neck and cradles the back of my head as his green eyes find mine. I could spend the rest of my life trying to explain what I see in his gaze at that very moment.
Relief. Devotion. Adoration.
“Sunny…” he says, staring into me with so much depth—searching, seeking and I let him. I let him reach inside and find peace in knowing that my soul is his to keep. It’s always been his. “Say it again.”
He pulls me even tighter into him, our skin slippery against one another, the water cooling our heated skin as I beam back at him.
“I love you Byzantine. I fucking love you okay?” I say while giggling.
His smile is so bright and wide that he’s almost glowing and I suddenly wish I had said it sooner just to watch him like this.
“There’s no backing out now,” he declares and I giggle into another kiss, barely recognizing the person whose laugh seems so carefree.
I can’t say I’ve ever met this version of myself. But by the way Byzantine looks at me, he recognizes this Sunny. As if he’s been waiting all this time for her. But I was too busy romanticizing melancholy to notice I could even become her.
The familiar was always loneliness. Chaos. Even if it hurt, it was comfortable. It’s what I knew.
But now I’m at the edge of another cliff. On the precipice of something so much better. A rebirth instead of a death. I don’t know what’s ahead of me. But somehow the unknown feels familiar too. Like a piece of me always knew I would be led to this very moment.
Happy, safe and alive.
Epilogue
Sunny
It’smy30thbirthdaytoday.
A milestone I never thought I'd hit, let alone be excited about. Healing is…interesting. And also not at all linear. A lesson that took me a long time to learn.
Happiness doesn’t mean happy all the time. Bad days find you no matter what, it’s part of being human.
And boy am I human.
Those bad days used to scare me. It always felt like I was falling back into the familiar haunts of depression. But those were just fears. I had to remind myself that having a bad day was normal and that it would pass. And it always would.
Byzantine and Lenix’s steady presence through it all also helped me in ways I can’t even define.
The concept of happiness itself is also a funny thing. The more I heal the more I reach new heights of this effervescent feeling, and just bask in wonder that some people have been feeling like this their entire life. While I was just surviving.
And finally, there was the sudden realization that I didn’t actually know what I wanted to do with my life. I never planned ahead. Never thought I would make it this far. I was left bewildered, feeling lost when I realized how many of my peers actually had their shit together.
What did I even want to do with my life?
A million dollar question that stumped me for at least a solid year while I continued to work at Sammies alongside Lenix. Although Byzantine was relentless about telling me I didn’t need to work. But I wanted to. The routine centered me. And what else was I supposed to do?
Eventually, I did figure it out and of course it involved Lenix. We started our own party planning business last year and have been growing it ever since. She’s the face of the company, while I take care of business behind the scenes. I wouldn’t want to do this with anyone else but her.
“Hiya babes,” Lenix says, smiling wide as she walks into the kitchen, heading towards me as I grin back at her.
Byzantine had wanted to move in together immediately. But, as always, I needed time. Finally, a year into dating, I conceded and we found a house near Connor. It’s nowhere near the size of his but it’s still the biggest house I’ve ever lived in. And it made it all the more special that I shared it with Byzantine.
“Happy birthday my love. I’m so proud of you,” Lenix says, circling me into a long hug. My throat grows thick as I blink back the emotion she brought up with just those five simple words.
“Thanks Len, I’m so happy you’re here,” I reply, hugging her even harder.
“Of course, babes”
When we finally let go, she glances around.