Page 44 of A Dangerous Game
It’s true, the boy does have a tendency to ‘crash’, as he put it. Usually by falling asleep, but sometimes just by his mind drifting away to some other world for a while despite him being awake.
Maybe he doesn’t remember saying he loves him?That’d probably be for the best, anyway.
“I have some juice for you. And-”
“I didn’t mean it,” Carter says, cutting him off.
Nathan swallows hard.
So, Carter remembers after all.
That’s perfectly fine.
And he didn’t mean it.
Which, of course he didn’t.Obviously. He hates Nathan.
Carter continues after Nathan stays silent for too long. “When I said-”
“I know.” Nathan puts a hand up, needing him to stop. “I know what you’re referring to. You don’t need to – I know.”
“I’m… sorry for saying it.”
“I’m sorry for letting you get so deep into that mindset that you felt it.”
“I told you, I didn’t mean it,” Carter says, the words sharp and angry now. “I didn’tfeelanything.”
Nathan reaches for the bottle of juice on the nightstand, needing something to do. “It’s okay, Carter. I know it wasn’t you. It was just the part of you that takes over when you give into being a slave. And I know it isn’t me that the slave part of you loves. It’s sir. Same way you trust me when I’m your sir, but don’t trust me outside of that context. It’s okay to love the part of me that’s your sir, Carter.”
Carter nibbles on his bottom lip for a few seconds before pointing a shaky finger at the juice. “Is that for me?”
“Yes. You want it?”
“Yes, please.” He takes the juice and quickly brings it to his lips, taking a large enough gulp to make him cough a bit. When he recovers, he drinks some more. Nathan can’t help but raise an eyebrow at him, which makes Carter blush when he sees. “Sorry. Was really thirsty.”
“I mean, you lost quite a lot of fluids.” The boy’s blush gets worse. Nathan wishes things were like they were before so he could reach out and touch the warm skin. Maybe even kiss it. Instead, he turns back to the bedside table and grabs the bag of trail mix the kitchen keeps on hand for quick snacks. “You should eat, too.”
“I had dinner.”
“Right. I just thought – I don’t know.” Nathan forces a laugh. It sounds awkward and awful.Kill him now.“I’ll just put it on the table in case you want it later.”
Carter winces. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to sound ungrateful or anything. Just - it’s been a long night.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Nathan rubs at the back of his neck. “And I’m sorry for pushing you that far. I don’t know where the line is, you know? You didn’t want to be Carter, but… I don’t know if you wanted to be that much of a slave either. I should have asked before we left the room.”
“I wouldn’t have had an answer. I still don’t. I have no idea where that line is. I’m not sure if it even exists.” Carter exhales shakily, fingers stroking the moose again. “I was struggling the whole time. I know you could tell. You had to keep reminding me that I wasn’t supposed to be Carter, and I had to keep reminding myself. I started coming back when we got in here, but I panicked and didn’t want to face things yet, I guess. I don’t know. Maybe this whole sir and slave versus Nathan and Carter thing is a bad idea. I mean, I could have admitted to loving you in front of all of them. What would have happened then?”
Nathan shakes his head, not ready to give up on their arrangement. “I don't think we have to be worried. You're smart, even in the slave mindset. Besides, I'd just spin it if something like that happened. Use it against you as a new form of torture. You wouldn't be the first slave to fall for their master.”
“What if I say something else? Something even worse?"
“The only thing I can think of you saying that would end badly is you calling me by my name, and I feel like your slave mindset knows better than that."
“Yeah, you're right. I don't even think of you in my head as Nathan when I'm deep enough. You're just… sir." He laughs dryly. "In fact, it probably is safer to be in that headspace for a lot of reasons. When I'm a slave, I'm not thinking about safe words or Maison or any other dangerous topics. It's like I forget about what I've learned and fall back on who I was before."
Nathan studies the boy, noting the dip of his eyebrows and the depth of his frown. "That must be hard for you…" he ventures. "Doing that, I mean."
“No. Not really. It's a relief more than anything." Carter peers up at him, lips twitching in a mockery of a smile. "It's the coming out that's hard. Like being slapped with reality."