Page 56 of Forbidden Cowboy

Still, even with all of these thoughts, the idea that everything had been faked didn’t sit quite right with me. I had grown up with her, and Sierra was one of the most genuine and authentic people I had ever met. Whatever reasoning she had behind that message, it couldn’t be telling me that everything had been a total lie.

And this determination to believe in her led me to trying to reach out, every night. I would sit on the back deck, after tucking Anna in, and try to call her. Every time I heard that the number was unavailable, my heart would sink. For some dumb reason, though, I would try again. And again. And twice more, until I had racked up five missed calls on the last number I had for her. Of course, I had considered the fact that she might have changed it, but something about accepting that stung more than anything else.

After two months of silence, I had started to feel like a played fool.

“Still nothing?” Eliana asked, coming to sit beside me.

“Nothing,” I groaned.

“She’s not worth your time, Wyatt,” she said.

I looked at her sharply.

“Watch it,” I growled. “You’re only back because Anna pleaded your case.”

It was true. Anna had wanted so much to spend time with her mother that she had begged for me to let Eliana back in the house. Not that she was enjoying so much time together anymore. Eliana had grown exponentially more lazy, and had fewer and fewer spontaneous trips out for her and Anna. I could see her losing interest in her daughter like she had time and time again, and I wanted to kick her out before Anna’s heart could be broken again. But I also refused to be the bad guy again.

Eliana rolled her eyes, and sat back, kicking her feet up onto the small forest in front of her Adirondack chair. I had seen Sierra sit in the same chair dozens of times, watching over Anna while she played in the pool below. God, she had been so doting to my daughter. Their bond went beyond the usual one of a nanny and her charge. They had been friends, almost like family. I knew no care-giver would compensate for that, and not just that, no one would work for me. Not after the other horror stories of my previously mischievous child.

“What Imeant,” Eliana said, interrupting my nostalgic moment, “is that she has clearly decided she wants nothing to do with you, and it’s not worth your time or effort to be chasing someone who doesn’t want to be found.”

I sighed and shook my head.

“You’ve obviously never been in love, Eliana.”

“I’m guessing you think you have.”

“God, yes,” I said. “When I think about her, it’s a physicalpain. I can’t know if she’s okay, or if she’s happy, and I don’t know why we couldn’t work things out, and ithurtslike nothing else.”

I felt tears prick at the corners of my eyes after voicing my feelings, and I blinked them away rapidly. Crying in front of Eliana was the last thing I wanted.

“You make me not want to fall in love,” she replied, closing her eyes. “It sounds like a lot of unnecessary pain.”

“I’d rather have it,” I said. “It helps me know I’m alive.”

“It sounds like sometimes it makes you wish you weren’t, though.”

I didn’t answer that. I couldn’t.

* * *

First thing in the morning, I did the same thing and tried to reach Sierra before Anna even woke up.

Then I’d take my daughter to school and try to throw myself into the sort of manual labor that could make you forget everything except the sweat dripping down your back and the aching pull in your muscles. The air had grown much colder, and as Christmas approached, I would feel the weather tugging at my lungs, forcing me to slow down, allowing me to think just that little bit more.

I dreaded Christmas. Anna didn’t even care about writing a letter to Santa Claus, no matter how many times I sat at the kitchen table with her and asked her to make a list of what she wanted. I was starting to think I should get my kid into therapy. She was clearly upset, and went through everything robotically. She seemed to understand that Sierra wasn’t coming back, and I wondered just what kind of damage that had done to an already troubled kid with abandonment issues. Maybe she never had any hope that Sierra would return.

How the hell was I supposed to give us a happy Christmas when neither of us were happy?

I had thought, just for a second at the beginning of November, that I had seen her outside the hospital after visiting Beau on a Saturday. That was the last time my mind had played tricks on me, however, and I was trying to move on.

Maybe live a normal life.

Chapter Nineteen

Sierra

Ijust wanted to live a normal life and wallow in my frustration foronce, without something jumping up and biting me in the ass.