Page 28 of Finding Fate
“Do you want to live like that, though? Living with a mind full of ‘what ifs’ while you’re letting your life pass you by? We’re human. We make mistakes. We do stupid shit. We let our emotions and fear stand in our way. You know how I live with it?”
I rub her name on my wrist. It’s as much a habit for me as Riggan playing with his lip ring. “How?”
“That baby will never know what we did to it. In the beginning, it made me sick to think that a doctor scraped out our baby while it was alive, or did something to it to stop its heart first—fuck, I don’t even really want to know the details—and she just laid there without so much as a phone call. But like you, I was raised to believe in a higher power; one that takes away pain and suffering. I believe there is a God that makes up for when we act like idiots, and I’d like to think my baby is sitting up there in Heaven happy. That’s how I keep the guilt from drowning me, because had I not propositioned Gabby to help me hurt Presley, and had I not been scared to get cheated on again, I would have helped her make the decision to keep it. But we didn’t know, you know? At least Gabby had enough strength to bring him into the world despite her being alone, and then let him go. She gave him life. What if he gave a really good couple the opportunity to be parents? You have to find the good, Maddox, or you’ll get lost in the bad.”
I open the box and look at the diamond ring nestled in the opening. “That’s the part you hold onto,” he says. “That you love her despite the hardships you’ve faced together. You’ll be a stronger couple in the end.”
I close it back. “I should probably apologize to Riggan. I was a dick. He doesn’t need that kind of negativity in his life. That kid is lucky to have a dad like him, and the day she’s born, I’m going to be waiting for her, even if it kills me.”
He slaps my back. “I’ll be right there with you. Just because Presley finally got pregnant again doesn’t mean I don’t still face the demons of the one we lost. It’s a daily struggle.”
I look at him. “You still thinking about adding on a nursery? I’ll help.”
He smiles when he stands. “Yeah, my wife happens to like our little live-in bed and breakfast she’s created and has a slight panic attack every time she thinks someone is considering finding new digs. We’re turning into a foster family. She almost lost her shit when Riggan mentioned putting his bed in storage earlier so Sayler could use his room for Chloe. Now you assholes are helping me move it down here for Landon this weekend to have it ready when he comes in from offshore next week, because she can’t stand the thought of him having to sleep on a couch.”
The smile is already spreading as I shake my head. “Y’all do realize Landon has his own trailer on family land, right? Considering he bought it brand-new, it’s pretty damn nice. Him and his dad added a huge built-on covered porch with furniture and an outdoor fan on the front and a big open deck on the back that leads into an above ground pool for his sister’s kids. He’s not homeless.”
“Try telling that to the band wifey. I have my coping mechanisms and she has hers. You jackasses are like her babies. She got upset that he stayed back after the concert instead of coming here with us until he had to go back to work. It doesn’t click in her head that Mississippi is closer to where he works than fucking Miami. She offered to fly him here if he’d stay between hitches when God knows what is sitting in his bank account.”
A laugh slips. I get up. “You don’t want to know. He probably took her up on the offer. He’s a tightwad with his money, yet he makes a lot of it.”
“She had to FaceTime his ass from Riggan’s phone to get him to agree. I think he wanted the break since he came a good bit to get ready for the concert. He somehow ended up agreeing to it, though.”
“Landon is weird about chaos and noise if he’s not on stage. He likes quiet. It’s nothing personal. Before I moved here, we just sat on his porch drinking beer and shooting the shit on the weekends he was home. His company otherwise is usually his dog.”
We both grab our half empty beers. “I’m sure she’ll figure out a way to make it Zen enough for him down here. We’re losing our man cave two weeks a month, but God forbid she leave a stray outside. At this rate we’re going to need a bigger house.”
I laugh, both of us already making our way upstairs, because—women. You’re crazy with them and without them. You do better to just learn to like crazy.
Eighteen
Gabby
My eyes start to move behind my lids, my brain waking me up. I blink, trying to moisten my eyes from the dry state they’re in, remembering what today is—Halloween. I sat up last night after Maddox drifted off to sleep, staring at the clock on my new phone as every minute passed, dreading midnight. It’s my least favorite day of the year, even though it’s loved by so many. Most people don’t celebrate their birthdays on Halloween either. For me, it’s a reminder that we get older. It’s a day that focuses on age, and my age has been a negative part of my life for a long time now. Luckily, no one will notice because of the scary holiday festivities, and I sure as hell am not telling anyone.
The sad part is, I used to love it. It’s a time of the year that’s vibrant and alive. There is a certain energy in the air from the anticipation of the pumpkins, the parties, and the costumes. Lord forbid I leave out the damn pumpkin spice everything that becomes life for a few months. The leaves are colorful and yards are full of spooky decorations. The fear that runs through our veins is electrifying. For hours you’re hyped up on adrenaline. It’s an opportunity to hide behind a mask and be someone else. For one night evil becomes appealing.
But ever since my dad found out about me seeing Maddox, I’ve existed in a world of evil on a daily basis. The last good birthday I had was my fourteenth. Every one since, I’ve been alone, or hiding, or submerging myself into a world of mental darkness to ease whatever pain is consuming me at the time. I avoid places with kids on Halloween like the plague, because it’s a reminder that I can’t take my son trick-or-treating, and that with the closing of October, November rolls around—his birthday month.
I toss the covers off and sit on the edge of the bed, trying to decide what the hell I’m going to do today. Maddox should already be at work. I’ve stayed close to home for the most part. I’m so used to laying low it’s become a habit, reminding me I’ve had a sorry excuse of a life for a while, but I’m here with the love of my life and he still loves me as much as I love him, so I’m going to make this year different. I’m getting a second chance. I’m making the best of it. Maybe Sayler or Presley will take me to town. One of them should be out of school today. My blonde roots are showing. I’m ready to go back to being myself . . . finally. Then I’m going to look for a damn job.
I grab my phone, already knowing a text will be there before I unlock it, and I smile when he doesn’t disappoint me.
Maddox:That ass was looking phat this morning. I almost took a bite.
Phat—pretty hot and tempting. Dork.
He usedto say that all the time. The first time he said it I actually thought he was calling me fat.
Me:I think I’m going to take Sayler up on her offer for half-price boobs. I’m feeling a little underprivileged around here with the busty Barbie friends. You can bite those.
Three, two, one . . .
My phone rings,making me smile. So. Damn. Predictable. I swipe the screen on the way to my ear. “Burns property, how can I help you?”
He spits, making me light up with a grin. Damn redneck. I’m so glad I have him back. “Why the fuck do you want fake tits?”
“‘Cause guys think they’re hot. Duh. Then I can get all those sexy bras and swimsuit tops where my cleavage is bangin’.”