Page 30 of Atlas
“They don’t have those programs at the college here?” I ask.
“I was trying to leave Atlas, so I didn’t check here,” she says quietly.
“Well start looking here, cause you leaving isn’t an option,” I swear she blushes. So damn cute, I think.
“What do you want to do today?”
“Um, you’re going to think I’m crazy,” she says bashfully.
“Um, do you remember what we walked into last night?” I tell her.
“I’ll never forget,” she says laughing.
“OK then what do you want to do?”
“The state fair is here and I have never been to a fair before.”
“Say less, let’s go.
Why have I never come to one of these before, I am having the time of my life. We rode some rides and played some games. True gave the stuffed animals I won her to little kids as we walked around and ate funnel cake. Who came up with funnel cake and fried dough? They deserve a whole medal, the nobel peace prize or something. I have spent a grip at this fair and I couldn’t care less. True talked me into going on the ferris wheel, and we are like teenagers smooching every chance we can get, and got kicked off the ferris wheel.
“I wish Mississippi had an amusement park. I have never been to one of those either, I bet as fun as today was that would be even more fun,” she says and stuffs her mouth with the cotton candy I bought for her.
Today made me realize all the stuff I missed out on to focus on my vendetta against Victor. When my brothers were out having fun I was plotting or trying to hurt myself. Our parents didn’t know what to do, my brothers had adjusted but I was just angry, if white hot rage was a person, it was me. Our mother called Joshua to see if he could reach me, however, he did more than reach me he saved my life. I had had enough of this life and wanted out, the scar, the dreams, and guilt it was too much for me to handle. Josh walked in and found me hanging, he cut me down, gave me CPR, and got me back breathing. Lucky for me I had just stepped off that chair and I sucked with knots so I didn’t snap my neck. He never told anyone.
“I will never patronize you by telling you I know what you are going through cause I don’t, but I will tell you that you deserve to live, the sacrifice that was made that night for you and my brothers to live should be honored and not thrown away. Whenever you are ready I will help you hunt that mother fucker down, we will run him to ground together. Even if that means walking into the pits of hell and taking that bitch over I will do that for you, I will do that with you because you are my brother and I love you and that’s what brothers in this family do for one another. Get your shit together Gummy and let’s eviscerate the fucking coward that destroyed your life, don’t allow him to take your life too. Do you understand?”
Yes, I nodded because I couldn’t talk not just from the pain but from the tears.
“Good, now stop getting into trouble and drinking and the drugs, you got shit to do and you can’t do it dead or in jail.”
We sat on that floor and cried and talked and I never loved my brother more than in that moment. He kept his word and never told a soul, not even our brothers, and I kept my word and never tried to unalive myself again. But I never really lived, I went from angry and suicidal to angry and homicidal,I was never a kid, and today with True brought that in the spotlight in a way I never paid attention to before.
As we head out of the fairgrounds I hear a song in the background by OneRepublic, “I Lived”, and I think I will take the song’s advice. As I really pay attention to the lyrics I can hear Savvy telling me that I deserve to really live and she is right. We’re going to go to a real amusement park and do all the other stuff True and I didn’t get to do as kids because we were both too focused on killing Victor. He took so much from me but I willingly gave him my childhood and now I’m going to take that shit back.