Page 69 of Forever My Saint
“So, about last night…”
Lord, have mercy on me. If he tells me it shouldn’t have happened, I will curl into a ball and cry.
“I was careless. I’m sorry.”
Okay, not the response I was expecting. I scrunch up my nose in confusion. I have no idea what he’s talking about.
When he reads my confusion, he clarifies, “Do we need to go to a pharmacy?”
“Pharmacy? I feel fine. A little sore, yes, but…oh. Oh.” When I realize what he means, I quickly shake my head. “No, it’s okay. All good.” I don’t want to go into detail that I have an IUD, and thankfully, he gets it.
“I should have been more responsible,” he berates himself. But he didn’t twist my arm. We both wanted it. Besides, I wasn’t expecting him to whip out a condom. We are in the middle of nowhere, wearing borrowed clothes.
“Don’t,” I coo, placing my palm to his cheek. He leans into my touch. “It was perfect.”
“I was rough. Are you okay?” His expression turns poignant. But I won’t allow him to think something that isn’t true.
“More than okay,” I reply without pause.
“I just…” His tongue darts out to lick his top lip. “I just lose control with you.”
“And is that such a bad thing?” I tease with a small smile.
My humor has the desired effect. “Thank you.”
“I should be the one thanking you,” I counter.
Saint laughs, which abates all tension between us, and he drags me onto his lap. The blanket pools around me as I press my naked chest to his. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I can’t help but drown in those eyes.
“Thank you for pushing me. I don’t know where I would be if you hadn’t. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I didn’t love you. I just needed time to process…everything. But I don’t think I ever will.”
And I don’t blame him. He was tortured and violated—mind, body, and soul—and no one would be expected to return the same.
“I understand, but I’m here for you. Always,” I promise, toying with the strands of hair curling at his nape.
“Being with you makes it better,” he professes, which warms my heart, but we can’t ignore the inevitable any longer.
“What are we going to do now?”
Saint sighs. “Do you think I want to work with him? He is the lesser of two evils,” he explains, but I know. There is no need for him to explain. “But…seeing the way he looks at you, I don’t think I can. Do you, do you feel anything for him?”
I swallow down the ball of nerves because this is the first time he’s asked this outright. I don’t want to lie to him, but I also don’t want to hurt his feelings. So I answer the only way I can. “I don’t hate him. I know that I should, but I don’t. I don’t know what that means, but it’s the truth.”
Saint nods, exhaling deeply. I understand that’s most likely not the response he wanted, but I can’t lie. “It means that you’re a good person. You want to see the good in everyone.”
He strokes over the cross at my throat, smiling.
“I love you,” I say aloud for the both of us.
“And I love you.”
Nothing else is said about my “feelings” for Alek because I don’t understand them, and I probably never will.
“Let’s get this over with.”
I don’t know what that means because Saint hasn’t given me an answer to what he proposes we do. His vengeance for Oscar is warranted, but if we follow Alek, we will die. There is no doubt about it. I have tried so hard to save Alek, but this time, I can’t.
His pride and honor won’t let sleeping dogs lie. He will go to that meeting knowing the consequences, and there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it. But I don’t want that same fate for Saint. Or me.