Page 7 of Heartsick

Ryker

Guilt had a different sort of hurt. It didn’t so much grip your heart as it made you feel like there was a hole in it, where every ounce of joy leaked out into a pitiful puddle at your feet. Guilt was acid in my stomach, regret in my bones, and it made me weak when I stood.

The afternoon sun painted long streaks of gold over crumbling walls and jagged rocks. The chill of the dungeons had been siphoned out through the hole, leaving everything slick with condensation. Shambles of stone ground against the hard, uneven flooring beneath me as I looked from the empty cell to the space where King Ganglin had escaped. This castle was no longer safe, and alone I was no match for a Fae king, or apparently my dearest friend.

If King Ganglin could so easily get inside, what good were the perimeter guards that walked the edge of the property? He had created more problems than I had solutions for. Daethian was long since gone. Which only led me to wonder who he would hurt? Would he survive whatever was inside of him? If Havala’s gates had opened up and a demon controlled him now, what could save him?

The token came quickly to mind. Muchtooquickly. If it gave access to powers that rivaled the Mother’s, if it was meant to protect this realm, then it could be used to protect its people. Right? Could the token be used to expel whatever darkened my friend?

Admit it. You like me better this way.

Our conversation replayed inside my head. If only he knew how much I wanted to love him like that. If only he knew how hard I considered pretending, for his sake, but saying yes when I wanted to say no would only be a disservice to myself and I had already taken so many years of abuse at the hands of others. I’d be as much of a monster as them if I chose to do that to myself.

“Holy shit,” Shavarra said from behind me.

She shouldn’t be here.

Neither should I.

I stuck an arm out. “Don’t come any closer. King Ganglin managed to hit something very important. The building isn’t structurally sound anymore.”

It was balanced by a thread. Rock abutted the long beams that could, and would, break at any shift in weight.

“Is everyone out of the building?” I asked, chewing at my lip.

Shavarra’s attention followed along all of the broken wood, stone, and metal. Her expression was neutral, except for her slightly squinted eyes. Dusty streaks marked her shorts where she had wiped her hands after descending the staircase. Her palms rested against her hips.

Yet in the light that crept inside, she was beautiful. Rosy cheeks, icy blonde hair, perfecteverything. Dark jealously twisted in my gut even when I tried to will it away.

“I think so,” she said with a long breath.

They were probably sweating out in the heat, huddled into shaded corners. They were angry, I imagined. Or frightened. All of which were feelings that seemed to be seeping out of me too.

I bent down and took a handful of rocks, closing my fingers around them. Pieces prickled against my skin before I opened my palm and let them scatter to the ground.

There was a peace that surrounded Shavarra, a calm I could not put my finger on. I longed to look at her and revel in whatever piece of tranquility she could give me, but I couldn’t bring my eyes up to meet her face. It was too much like giving up some part of my pride.

“How are they doing?” I tried meeting her gaze, yet I found myself turning away from her and gently touching the metal bars and the slick dew that covered them. There was a reassuring weight in the pocket of my pants, the points of the crystal I used to communicate with my sister pressing into my leg through the fabric.

“Many of them are confused, some of them are scared, and some of them are angry.”

“Angry at me?” It’s what I feared. That they would feel that I had somehow let them down. Somehow my efforts to make this place safe for us had never been enough. King Ganglin could have come here at any time. He came at his own choosing and whatever we had done to prepare for him was never adequate.

“Why would you say that?” Shavarra took a step closer, pushing aside debris with her toes even as I gave her a look of warning and motioned for her to stop.

“I couldn’t keep them safe.” A slow, sad smile lifted my cheeks. I tipped my face enough to see the deep lilac hue of her eyes.

“Since when did you become all powerful?” she laughed.

My smile fell. Shavarra fought the smile on her cheeks, tried to tame it, but even as she pressed her lips together, they still lifted at the corners.

“Ryker,” she started, “it isn’t your job to protect us all. That isn’t even something that you alone are capable of. You’re only one Nymph.”

“And King Ganglin is only one Fae.” I rolled my eyes, like the waves of offense rolled inside of me.

“He is more powerful than damn-near all of us. He is a Fae king for fuck’s sake. He has pure Fae magic running in his veins.”

“What’s your point?”