Page 82 of Forbidden Eyes
She comes closer after a few beats and looks at me, checking out all the proof of her father doing his worst. “You okay?” she asks.
“No.”
“Right.”
I watch her look me over again, her fingers fidgeting with her top as if she’s as nervous. She shouldn’t be. It’s not like she’s done anything wrong. I have. And I still am by being as cold towards her as I am. I frown and nod at the chair, showing her the way and chastising myself.
“I’m so sorry,” she says, sitting. The fuck for?
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for,” I mumble. “I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have been there to see it. Your father is a cunt.” Her eyes widen, part of her unhappy about that word being used. Tough. He is. Not because of what happened to me, but because she was made to witness it all.
“You could have run. Should have, probably,” she says quietly.
That statement alone shows how little she knows about me, or this world we’re in. I sigh and look at her, remembering her innocence in this whole scenario.
“I don’t run. From anything. I told you that. And even if I was the type, running would have made it worse. You might not understand but standing up in front of him was the most respectful thing I could have done. Short of not sleeping with you in the first place, which would have been fucking sensible.” She sits there all wide eyed, as if the words I’ve just said are completely alien to her. “I knew what I was getting myself into, Fia. This isn’t your fault.”
“Yet knowing all that, you still did? You always knew you'd just stand there and take it when the time came?”
“Yes.”
And I'd take it again.
Damn, I need a brain scan while I'm here.
She drops her eyes and plays with the hem of her top again for a few minutes, looking at it rather than me. It gives me a chance to check her over, too. Still beautiful. Enough so that I get lost in her features and find myself wanting to reach for her face, to bring it up to mine. The fact that her cheek still has the faint blush of a slap lingering pisses me off.
“And do you, you know…” I bring my mind back at the sound of her voice, blinking to make me see straight again. “Still?” She looks up at me and stares, eyes drilling into mine. “Because I can go if not. I don’t mind. After this, I guess you might not want to anymore and that’s okay. I’d understand.”
No, she wouldn’t. And she doesn’t understand the bigger picture yet. The one that I’ve caused. She sits there so quiet and innocent, reminding me of what I’d rather be doing with her, but she doesn't have a damn clue how much hell is coming if I carry on letting these feelings I have for her dictate the future.
“Fia, it's not that I—”
“Right.” She stands, ready to leave on those words alone.
“Sit down.”
“No. I get it. I do,” she says, heading towards the door. Fuck that. No, she doesn’t. I haven’t finished yet. “It’s okay. My dad and…”
My stumbling legs have me at her side and blocking the doorway before I know what I’m doing, hands up in front of her without actually touching her. “You don’t know, Fia. You don’t get it at all. Sit down.”
“I don’t want to sit and be told, Carter. I thought…” She looks at the floor, shaking her head. “I don’t know what I thought, but I’ll be fine. You’ve made your point.”
“How the fuck have I made my point?” I growl, voice raised. She backs off a step, fear crossing her eyes. Good. Or not. I don't fucking know. I'm in a state still, wound up by my body being weak and useless. I step into her, softening my features. “Fia, my own agenda would be to be up inside you again so quick you couldn’t blink. You have no fucking clue how much I want that, want you, but it’s not just about me and you now. It’s about your family. Mine, too. It's about business and connections and…" I shake my head, unsure how the fuck to explain everything these two families are to each other. "I’m not having anyone I care about hurt because of this, Fia. You included.”
She nods and keeps looking at the floor, a sniff coming.
Fuck.
I lean down and get in her face, knocking her chin up with my fingers to see the beginnings of tears. “I thought my actions would be enough. They’re not now. You weren’t supposed to see it, and I wasn’t supposed to go into a fucking coma because of my fucking blood sugar. And now Quinn’s involved, and your mom…” I back away from her, one hand on the door to steady myself and the other out to my side rather than risking touching her. It’s all I want to do. Pull her close. Not give a fuck all over again. It’s not that simple, though. Never damn well was. “This was my fault, Fia. Mine. You understand? It's all on me. I should never have touched you or put any of us in this position. I'm not a good man, but I'm damned if anyone else is getting the wrath of your father because of my actions. Hearing him hit you was enough.”
I don't know what's going on in her head as she processes that, but it's the truth for what it's worth. Maybe I can't do romance, or love if Quinn thinks that's what this is, but I can give her honesty. I'll never give her anything but that.
“You’re grey.”
What?
She takes hold of my arm abruptly, dragging it back towards the bed with me in tow. “We shouldn’t be doing this now. You need to heal.”