Page 50 of Her Dark Powers

“I don’t know whether it was the Golden Dawn, but Jasper was right, the guy in charge looked a lot like Coulton. When he took you and put you in the sarcophagus, that was my fault. He knew you would be reborn if he killed you because I was weak. He knew just killing you wouldn’t work. They had already tried that.”

I wanted to tell him to stop, to tell him it didn’t matter, but I knew I had to stay quiet. He needed to get this out. It had been eating him alive for so long. He pulled his hand from mine, and I let him.

“They buried us alive, together, in a large sarcophagus. I thought they were just trying to kill us at first, but now I think Coulton must have attempted the ritual back then too, but he’d gotten it wrong somehow. It didn’t stop us from dying, but it did prolong it. I couldn’t move, they had broken nearly every bone in my body, and I was so starved of blood by that point, I had no healing energy left. I couldn’t heal you either.”

I closed my eyes, memories washing over me. I remembered the wooden crate they used, the thud and cracking of bones as Austin’s body hit the bottom of the crate next to me, and the pain that consumed every moment. I heard the sound of sand on the lid, and saw the shine of Austin’s eyes in the darkness.

“You tried,” I murmured, opening my eyes. “I remember. You tore your wrist and tried to feed me.”

He nodded. “And all I did was prolong your agony. I kept you alive when a quick death would have been merciful.”

“I did the same,” I replied quietly.

He frowned. “What?”

“You fell unconscious. I fed you some of my blood to try and heal you. Small amounts, though, because you could barely swallow.”

He closed his eyes. “That was why.”

“Why what?”

He looked at me, his eyes dark with pain. “It took weeks for us to die. The last few days, you were delirious, moaning in pain, and I couldn’t help, I couldn’t save you. I was the one who served you first, the one you should have been able to rely on, and I just lay there and watched you die. I watched you suffer until the end, because I didn’t protect you the way I should have.”

“And when we came back this time, you remembered everything.”

He nodded. “I swore you would never suffer that way again, even if it meant you hated me through every lifetime we lived.”

I finally let the tears spill down my face. “You stupid, stubborn man. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Because I’m a coward,” he answered simply. “I could take you hating me for keeping you locked away, but I couldn’t take the look on your face when you realised how badly I’d failed you. I couldn’t take the risk you’d send me away and choose someone else to serve in my place. I would face any pain other than losing you. I have lived in fear of you remembering what happened. I tried to close my heart to you, tried to remember Lucille, Rebecca, Sam, Inga... tried to remember them as someone separate from you. I tried my hardest not to fall in love with Tory, but I failed again.”

“I remember everything, Austin. Every moment. I remember hearing them break your bones, I remember your screams. I remember the guilt I felt for insisting we rescue Ptah… the heartbreak of watching my men die in front of me. I remember lying there in the dark, wondering why I had all this power if I couldn’t even save the man I loved. I don’t remember blaming you, and I don’t remember hating you. Not for one moment.” I brushed my tears away and glared up at him. “Do you know what else I remember?”

“What?”

“I remember lifetimes of loving a man who loved me back in a way I didn’t think was possible. Of having a love that seemed to transcend time and space and death itself. And I remember months of dreaming and remembering, and the heartbreak of not being able to figure out what I had done for this love to be torn away from me. What could I have possibly done to you in our last lifetime together that I had destroyed that love you had for me?”

He stared down at me in horror. “No... gods, no, Tory... How could you think...”

“Because that’s how you treated me. With disdain and contempt. Yeah, you lusted after me, especially when you got my blood, but that was all I was to you. At least, that’s how it felt.” The feelings that had created such inner turmoil for me over the last several months came crashing back. I let them, no longer trying to suppress how I felt. The pain, the rage, and the desire all surged through me, and I let them rage until they quietened inside. I looked at Austin.

“I failed you again,” he whispered, his voice choked with pain.

“You never failed me, Austin. You failed yourself when you stopped believing in yourself. We both made the choice to try and rescue Ptah because we loved him, and the others followed willingly because they loved him too. They have followed you again without question, even knowing the choices you made back then. What made you assume I would be any different?

“I don’t know,” he whispered. His head dropped, and I sighed.

“You lost faith in me and in yourself, because of the damage those evil people did to us, but you forgot the most important thing of all.”

“What’s that?” he asked.

“That what we have is so much more than duty and devotion.” I put my hands on either side of his face and tilted it so he looked straight at me. “You’re a part of me, Austin, a piece of my heart and soul. It didn’t matter that I had the others or that they had me. A part of me has been missing for so long, and that has hurt far more than any torture could have.” I leaned my forehead against his and sighed. “How could you think I’d be all I am supposed to be without you in my heart?”

He took a deep breath. “You forgive me then?”

I kissed his face, brushing away the tears.

“If you’ll forgive me.” I looked at him, my heart thudding painfully in my chest. “Can you love me again? The way you used to?”