Page 120 of A Dark Fall

My next thought, which is cold and sobering: I just had unsafe sex.

His breathing slows, and he lifts his head from the crook of my neck to meet my eyes. The way his own shimmer with satisfaction and the way his mouth tilts up into a small but uncertain smile makes my chest thrum. He looks so beautiful after sex, I always think. Of course, he always looks beautiful, but after sex, he looks even more heart-stoppingly so. Flushed cheeks, mouth kissed wet and red, hair mussed, and a look in his eye so wicked it makes me want to beg him to do it all over again.

When he eases out of my body, he touches his lips to mine and kisses me softly. As he does, I feel the wet stickiness of him seeping out, evidence of our careless and illicit lovemaking. He sits up and buttons my dress then smooths it down around my thighs. When he moves to stand, I do the same, sitting up on the step and smoothing down my tousled sex-on-the-stairs hair. He pulls on his jeans and boxers, zips and buckles his belt, and runs a hand through his hair. My legs tremble as I watch him as well as his semen running down the inside of my leg.

We stare at each other for a long time, only the sound of our breathing and the loud ticking of my grandmother’s old clock filling the sexed-up air of my hallway. The air also feels heavy with the weight of his words. Words I always thought would be mine to say first.

“You said you loved me,” I whisper after what seems like hours of heavy wordlessness.

Something flickers across his eyes, and he nods. “Yeah, I did.”

I feel my breath catch in my throat, my mouth dry and papery. I run my tongue along my lips to wet them.

“Why?”

“Why, what? Why do I love you, or why did I say it?” His eyes twinkle with sex and amusement.

“Why did you say it?” My voice is barely-there.

“I said it because I mean it. I love you. I’m in love with you. I wanted you to know that right then.” He runs a hand through his perfect, just-fucked hair. “Maybe it wasn’t the right time. But all week, I was thinking about how I should have said it last week before you left, and how if I had, then maybe you wouldn’t have gone. But I didn’t want it to be the reason you stayed either, you know?” His eyes are gravely serious now. “But the way I feel about you ... Well, I told myself I’d tell you the next chance I got. If I got one.” He reaches out and takes my hands in his. “Baby, I know I almost killed it. I know that. But I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing here, and, fuck ... nothing in my life has ever felt as good or as right as you do, and I’m trying to get used to that, I suppose.” His voice is so sincere it takes my breath away. I can’t think. Or move. I want to cry with happiness. I also desperately want to reach down and catch the warm droplet of his climax running down my leg before it lands on the carpet.

“What are you thinking, Alex? Tell me.” He squeezes my hand.

“What am I thinking?” I repeat. Mainly, my head is loud with echoes of, “I love you. I’m in love with you,” sounding through it. “I’m not sure I ever know what I’m thinking around you. I don’t know who I am either.” I give him an accusing glare, but it’s playful.

“So, I’m a bad influence—that what you’re saying?” he says as he steps closer to me.

I hook my arms up and around his neck. “Mmm. I haven’t decided yet.” When I kiss him, I hear him sigh into the kiss. It doesn’t get heavy, but when he pulls back his eyes are serious, and the atmosphere feels intense again.

“Does this mean ... you’re gonna try this with me?” he asks quietly, sounding faintly shy. “That we’re ... you know, okay?”

I’m still not sure we’ve talked about everything we need to talk about, and I’m still not completely sure I understand his reasoning behind not telling me about Caleb. There’s still so much I don’t know, but there’s no rush. He loves me.

I nod. “We’re okay.”

He beams before leaning in to kiss me again, a little deeper this time, a little needier. His hands slide around my body and under my dress, skimming along the backs of my thighs. I know when he feels it because he pulls back, a dark look flashing over his eyes. I look down between us, color flooding to my cheeks.

“That was careless, Jake. I’m on the pill, but it’s not sensible.”

“I’m clean, baby. I promise you,” he asserts.

I wasn’t even thinking about that. Why wasn’t I thinking about that?

“I get checked often,” he adds, but then he realizes how that might sound and so shakes his head. “What I mean is, I’m sensible that way. Always. Well, normally always. There’s been no one except you since the last time I went.”

I nod, but the feeling that I should have known better doesn’t dissipate. He pushes his hips into me playfully, his hand slipping between my thighs.

“We both should have known better. Me especially ...”

“Mm-hmm, maybe. But do you have any idea how fucking hot this is? Feeling my cum running out of you?”

My mouth drops open as heat knots in my tummy. I can only stare at him dumbstruck for a moment.

“You are a complete deviant—you are aware of that?”

“I know. And you fucking love it,” he says. “But I love watching you act all shy and proper as if you don’t.”

I hit him lightly on the arm. “It’s not an act. Iamshy and proper. It’s how my parents raised me.” I smile shyly, properly.