Page 133 of A Dark Fall

“I’ve never lied to you about who I am. I’ve withheld shit from you, yes, but I’ve never lied to you about who I am, Alex. There are things about who I am and what I’ve done that I can never tell you though.”

Never.He was never going to tell me. I go to cut in, but he puts up his hand.

“And believe me, it’s not because I’m afraid you’ll run a mile. That shit is all pointless. It’s far too late for that now anyway. The reason I can never tell you these things is that it’s safer for you. Do you understand what I’m saying?” His tone is grave and his eyes resolute.

“No, I don’t. I don’t understand what you’re saying. Safer? What does that even mean? How can it bedangerousto know who you are?”

Jake’s eyes plead with me, tortured pools of green.I knew the name. We all know his name and what it means.Seriously, who is this person sitting in front of me?

“You know, I thought I could wait, let you keep your secrets. But I can’t live like that. Not now.” My voice fades as breathlessness overtakes me. How much more is there? How much more am I in denial about? Do I keep moving the limits of what I’m willing to accept so I can be with him?

“I need you. I love you,” he says quietly. “Nothing else matters.”

Oh, that’s cruel. I give him a look that I hope conveys I think it’s cruel before lifting my glass and downing the rest of it. No, it matters. Heknowsit matters. It’s why he can never tell me about it.

We can’t keep doing this. Over and over. I need him to tell me it all now so that when it’s over and I’m alone, I can tell myself it’s because he left me no other choice.

“What are your other streams of income?” I ask. “I want to know.” I don’t want to know—I need to know.

His nostrils flare, and his mouth presses into a hard, stubborn line. He says nothing though. He studies me. Warning me, evading me. There’s heat and desire in his eyes too, and from nowhere, the image of him taking me rough and hard and angry across the table currently wedged between us teases the front of my mind.

That’s when I know I’ll always want him. No matter what he is or what he’s done, my body is conditioned to want him. I refuse to let it take control of me right now. To try and wash away the illicit thoughts I can almost taste on my tongue, I reach forward and refill my glass. Jake’s eyes observe me with interest, but he says nothing, of course. He’s going to make me play the stupid game of questions again. Nothing has changed since that night in the restaurant. That night now seems like years ago.

I’m still playing the game.

“Less legitimate.Dangerousto know. What does that even mean?” I muse aloud, lifting my glass to my mouth. As I swallow this time, the wine feels sweeter and thicker, far more potent. I look him over: the small scar on his eyebrow, the reddish scar on his neck I helped put there, his knuckles that always seem to be bruised or angry, the expensive watch on his left wrist. I think of Mark’s words at Rob’s dinner table too:“Someone brave, connected, or fucking stupid.”

“I mean, are you a drug dealer?” It’s a stab in the dark, but when his eyes flicker slightly, I know I’ve struck something.

“I’m not a drug dealer,” he says carefully.Toocarefully. I need to press on another spot.

“Okay. Do you make money from the supply or manufacturing of illegal substances?”

His eyes flicker before he lets out a small breath. “It’s complicated, Alex.”

Oh my god.

I push the wine away and sit forward. “What’s complicated about it? You either do or you don’t. There isn’t anything complicated about it. It certainly won’t be when you’re arrested.”

“That’s not going to happen, Alex.” There’s an easy confidence in his voice that makes my blood boil.

“Oh, it’s not? You know that for a fact, do you?”

“Yes.” Again, he looks staggeringly confident.

I can’t breathe.I’m going to be sick again.

I push the chair back and stand, crossing the kitchen to the window to get some air into my lungs. I hear him stand and come toward me then stop. I don’t know how close he is, and I don’t want him near me. I feel him slipping farther and farther away though, becoming far less manageable.

“Alex,” he says from close behind. Too close. “Say something.”

I whip around to face him. “What about where these drugs of yours end up, Jake? Schoolchildren. Addicts. Families torn apart. Do you care about any of that? About the damage they do?”

He sighs, looking less sure of himself than he did a moment ago. “Alex, you need to try to understand that this shit happens all over the world. It’d be happening anyway—they’d be coming in from somewhere. It’s how the world works. At least our stuff is clean.” He sounds almost reasonable.

“Oh my god, you’re serious?” I shake my head. “How dare you?Ourstuff? I’m a bloody doctor—I see firsthand whatyour stuffdoes to people. I think what you mean is that it may as well be you profiting from other people’s misery. That’s really what you mean, isn’t it? I mean, you have to pay for your duplex apartment in Central London and your fancy car somehow, right? Is that how you bought your nightclub too, Jake?” I’m shouting now, and I can’t breathe properly. He moves toward me. “Don’t you dare come near me. I don’t want you near me. You disgust me.”

He freezes, eyes wide and afraid. “Alex, please ...”