Page 98 of A Dark Fall

He looks angry again. “With who?”

I contemplate being secretive in order to give him a taste of his own medicine. But what’s the point in widening our current schism any further?

“I’m seeing my brother,” I tell him.

He nods, chewing his lip. “But he lives in town?” I nod. “So, I’ll see you later on then, after. Call me, and I’ll come pick you up,” he says as if that’s it settled.

“So, you aren’t coming back tonight then?” I try not to sound as if I’m pleading.

“I don’t know.” He looks at his watch and drags a hand across his neck. For some reason, I feel guilty for making more demands on him and being useless.

I take a few steps toward him, desperate to try and comfort him even though I’m not sure if comfort is what he needs. I just want to do something that makes me useful to him. He looks down at me and opens his mouth to speak, then he closes it again and pulls me into his arms. It feels nice. I close my eyes and take a deep breath of his scent. I feel starved of it.

“Is everything okay?” I whisper against his chest. I’m not even sure what I mean.Are we okay? Are you okay? Will we be okay?

“Don’t worry. I need to go,” he says and places a gentle kiss on the top of my head, his heart beating hard against his chest. The sound of it only adds to my sense of fear and anxiety. “I’m sorry,” he says, and it’s as if he’s apologizing for a whole host of things and not only having to leave me now. “I’ll call you later, yeah?” As he steps out of my body and turns to walk out of the kitchen, every step he takes serves only to magnify my anxiety. The front door closes without a word, and I hear the sound of his car crunching down the driveway, and then he’s gone.

Upstairs, after I’ve taken off my makeup and changed into my pajamas, I place my tea and mobile on the nightstand, turning the volume up and the vibration on so there’s no chance of missing him if he calls. The knot in my stomach that appeared when we got into the car at Robyn’s has transformed so it now feels like a living, breathing thing, rotting and keening and afraid in the pit of my belly. I still feel sick. And terrified.

I’m in love with him. I have to be. It wouldn’t feel like this otherwise.

As I’m brushing my teeth, I wonder whether to call him. No. I doubt it would help anything. Whatever he left to do sounded important and critical, and I doubt a call from a useless, emotional female who knows nothing about what’s going on will help his situation. Plus, he said he would call me.

I have the worst sleep I’ve had in a long time, waking every hour wondering why he hasn’t called, texted, or come back yet and if his drive home has convinced him we’re done.

Nick calls me before noon to check I’m still coming over to meet Jin. He sounds excited and nervous. I try hard to get caught up in my brother’s budding romance, hoping it will take my mind off Jake, who still hasn’t called.

“I can come and get you if you want? I know you hate driving in town,” Nick offers.

“No, it’s fine, I’ll drive. There’s something I need to do first.” My voice is distant.

I’m going to go see him. I decided that when I woke up this morning and felt better immediately. Less useless anyway. If it’s over, then I want him to say it to my face. I also need to know he’s alive. Someone tried to kill him a few weeks ago, so how do I know it’s not serious?

“You okay?” Nick asks.

“Hmm? Yeah, fine, just tired.” I scrub at my eyes. “I never slept great, that’s all. I’m really looking forward to meeting him.” I lift my voice to try to sound chirpier.

“Cool. Well, I’ve booked a table at Ècole at 7:00 p.m.—you know, the French place we went to for Mum and Dad’s anniversary. It was nice there. I liked it anyway. And then we can go meet the rest of the guys after. If you’re up for it, that is. Seb’s dying to see you. But no pressure.” He takes a deep breath after speaking, and I laugh a little.

“What’s funny?”

“Nothing. You’re babbling. It’s sweet.” I smile. He makes a tutting noise, and I smile harder.

“Yeah, and so what about you and the new guy? Mum mentioned it last night—can’t believe you told her. It’s serious then?” Nick asks.

I literally have no idea how to answer that. It’s really serious right now. I have no idea where he is, why he hasn’t called, or whether he’s ended things. WhetherIshould.

But I’m in love with him. I feel sick again.

“Maybe, yes. We can talk about it later.”

“Deal. Okay, I’ll see you later then,” he says brightly.

After I hang up on Nick, I check to see if Jake tried to contact me, but there’s still nothing.

The light of day offers me no further clues. Last night, I was certain it was because he sensed my feelings and wanted to run from them. This morning, I’m not sure. Something happened after dinner, and I need to find out what it was. Something so bad he wanted me to end it. Something that convinced him we aren’t meant to be together.

I feel sick again.