Page 23 of Count Down

I wish the session would hurry up and finish so this torture would end. But I also don’t want it to end. I didn’t imagine this connection between us. I wasn’t looking for it. It’s felt so natural each time we’ve seen each other before this. Now I realize how attached I’ve already become to the idea of seeing him regularly, and I don’t want today to end with us five steps back from where we started.

The hour finally ends. I walk Luca back to the front desk. “One more next week.” I remind him. I try to disguise the disappointment in my voice. I feel stupid for expecting anything from him.

Luca nods. Then he stops at the desk and turns to me. “Are you moving out of your parents’ house?” It’s the first question he’s asked me since he got here. His face is expressionless.

“I am. I’m moving into an apartment tomorrow.”

“I can help you move. If you want.” Luca’s face is still expressionless. I look into his eyes, and he stares right into mine. I don’t know what he’s getting at. Fuck it. I know what I want in this moment, and I don’t care if I look stupid.

I wrap my arms around his neck kiss him as hard as I can. I press my lips to his and I don’t pull them away. After a slight hesitation, he relaxes. I feel Luca’s arms wrap around my waist as he kisses me back.

I’m finally free of whatever was going on between us. I’m through whatever shield Luca had set up today. I press my body against his. I want to be close to him, to feel him, to make up for the distance that was between us for the past hour. Everything melts away as our bodies connect. It’s like we just fit together. I’ve never felt such a deep sense of relief.

I lose all track of time and space until I feel him start to pull back for air. I pull apart as well. I want him, but I feel the heat rise in my face as I remember I’m still at my place of work.

I look up into his eyes and see a different person almost. He’s not looking through me anymore. His face is human again, not chiseled out of stone. “I’d love it if you helped me move tomorrow.”

Luca nods, a small smile across the lips I just kissed. Lips I will be sure to kiss again.

21

LUCA

I wasn’t planningto see Gina ever again. It was getting too complicated. Now it’s even worse.

When I found out Solonik plans to kidnap her, it gave me an excuse to see her again. The workout was hard. In a way I don’t know how to handle. Not physically. I was doing everything I could to stay distant from Gina, to discourage her from getting closer to me. And it felt miserable. She could tell I was pushing her away. I hated what I was doing to her. But I convinced myself that it was for the best.

I had to know if she was moving, though. If I’m going to try to protect her from Solonik, I need to know where she lives. I suppose I didn’t have to offer to help her move. As painful as it is to see her and try to keep her at a distance, I can’t seem to stop.

Then she came in for that kiss. It was honestly the last thing I was expecting. I froze from the shock at first, and then gave in without even thinking about it. Losing control never felt so amazing. My body betrayed me entirely, and for a moment I forgot every reason I have for keeping Gina away from me. I forgot about killing her father. I forgot about my cursed life. I know I’ll come back to regret this. Life always finds a way of robbing me of what I love.

But I think I’m addicted to her. When I’m away from Gina, I want to be with her again. I want to feel her body against mine. Her lips against mine. Her hands on me. I want that contentedness I feel when I’m with her.

I know it’s fleeting. I know the time I have with her is temporary. I can’t give in to it, but I can’t give it up either.

I borrow a moving truck from one of our front companies and drive it over to Gina’s house. It feels strange to back into the driveway. I’m used to parking my car down the street to watch her house from a safe distance. Walking right up to her front door feels like I’m breaking all the rules. The rules I learned from Leo that have kept me and everyone close to me from getting killed for the last 25 years. In for a penny, in for a pound, I guess.

I knock on the door. She opens it and throws her arms around me, kissing me like she doesn’t have a care in the world. This time I don’t hesitate. I know I want it. I’ve been looking forward to it since the moment I left her yesterday.

“Did you have any trouble finding the house?” Gina takes my hand and pulls me through the front door.

“Not much.” I’m conscious of how weird it feels to be inside a house that I’ve watched for hours. It’s like when I walked up the steps to the Philadelphia Museum of Art after watchingRocky. I glance around the entry way, expecting I might see her mother. I know her father’s at work, but I’m not sure how her mother would react to Gina bringing home a man my age.

Gina senses my question. “Nobody’s here. Just us.”

“They didn’t want to help you move?”

Gina shrugs off my question. “I’m just about done packing. Come help me tape up some boxes.” Gina leads me up the stairs and down the second-floor hallway to her room. She already has some boxes stacked outside her doorway.

Inside her room are more, some of them still being packed. The walls are bare except for some empty shelves. Her mattress is laying on the floor, the bed having been taken apart and wrapped in packing materials.

But the layout of the room is about what I pictured watching from the outside. The en suite is where I’ve seen her disappear into. The closet door is where I’ve seen it through the window. It feels strange to be in Gina’s house and her room. It’s like we’ve crossed another line. This is where she grew up. I’m standing in the room she slept in every night until today. What am I doing here?

“I need to finish packing up my toiletries. Could you tape those boxes shut?” Gina points to the four various-sized boxes on the top of the row of boxes along her wall.

“Sure thing.” I grab the packing tape off another stack of boxes and start to fold down the flaps of the first box. It looks like a box of random items from her shelves or desk. A couple pairs of pointe shoes, some awards and medals, a mug, various chargers, and a small notebook. I tape the box closed and set it aside.

I grab the next box. This one is bigger and looks like it has sweaters folded and packed inside. “Are you excited about moving?”