Page 41 of Count Down

“Do you know where your bed is from?”

“It’s made by Article.”

“Is that a European company? Or are they from the US?”

“They’re from the US.”

“I’ll go with standard size then.” I grab a set of allen wrenches.

I walk across to the electronics bench she’s still looking over. “One of these should work.” I hand her the wrench set. “In case there are any bolts, this adjustable wrench will work for those.”

“Thanks,” she says, taking the tools from me. “What is this?” In her other hand she lifts a small black box, about the size of a Rubik’s Cube. It’s got three wires sticking out of one end and a small metal arm attached to the motor’s rotator. It’s the most recent thing I’ve been working on.

She looks at me with raised eyebrows. She’s curious, fascinated to know what I do in here. There isn’t a hint of accusation or suspicion as she looks at me. But I still take it for the sign that it is.

In truth, it’s a weapon. Everything in here is either a part for a weapon or a tool I use to make a weapon. None of it is obvious. I keep all my real weapons locked up and hidden. But this particular part, it’s the one I’m building to kill her father.

“That’s just a little motor for a prototype I’m working on for this project.” I take the motor from her. I move the little arm and it twists the motor, demonstrating its movement. “It’s for industrial ventilation systems,” I lie. I try to pick something that I think would be boring enough not to invite any follow-up questions. “I’m attaching this Bluetooth module so that it can be controlled remotely.” I point to the little green circuit board that’s about the size of a stick of gum and littered with small chips.

Gina looks around at the rest of the room like she’d love to ask about everything in here.

“We should get going.” Gina follows me out of the shop, and I close the door behind her.

On the drive, Gina stares out her window. After a while, she breaks the silence. “Would you ever leave here? Take a trip with me sometime?”

I take a breath and adjust my grip on the wheel. I can feel Gina looking at me but I squint at the road like it’s done something to piss me off. I scrape my hand across my jaw. “How long do you think this can last?”

There’s nothing but silence coming from the passenger side. I glance at Gina out of the corner of my eye. Her eyes are wide and fixed on me. Her jaw is set. I can barely even look at her. “I’m too old for you,” I fire.

“I don’t have a problem with your age.” Her voice is steady. “Do you think I’m too young for you? Am I too… immature?”

“No.” I can’t lie. I’ve seen more maturity in Gina than some of my exes ten years older than her. The more I get to know her the less her age matters to me. I try again. “You shouldn’t be with someone like me.”

“That’s for me to decide. I’m done with other people making decisions for me.”

I can feel Gina still looking at me as I grind my teeth.

“I’ve thought about this,” she continues. “Believe me, I have. I’ve decided I want to be with you. I want us to be together.” She looks out at the road in front of us, the road I’m still focusing my glare on. “But I can’t force you to be with me if you don’t want to.”

“Fuck.” I shove my fingers through my hair. “I want to be with you. Just…” I shake my head. I glance at Gina.

She’s looking at me. Her face is soft, not stern. “What?”

“It’s just, I don’t think you’re going to want to be with me. The more you get to know me.” I lower my gaze back to the road.

“Don’t,” she says. “Don’t worry about that. I want to know everything about you. Good or bad.” Gina sets her hand on my arm. Her soft hands send warmth through my cold and stiff body. “That’s the only way to love someone. To know them. And to let them know you.”

I move my hand to hold hers.

I know she’s right. But I also know I’m a fucking coward. I’ve always thought I wasn’t. I’m not afraid to take a life. I’m not afraid to lose mine. But I’m fucking scared of losing something I love. So scared that I’m afraid to let myself love anyone or anything. And I’m too chicken-shit to tell her the truth.

32

GINA

It’sa weird feeling to know something is right. What is it that makes me so certain? I mean, things have been going great with Luca so far. Except when he goes suddenly cold. Sometimes he doesn’t seem ready to let me in.

Luckily for us, I’m done with doubting. I’ve spent too much time wondering if I was doing the right or wrong thing. That always left me letting others make decisions for me. Now I’m working on shutting out the negative voices in my head and cutting off the doubting people in my life. I’m able to finally think about whatIwant.