Page 93 of The Merciless Ones
Mehrut smiles at Adwapa. “You and I can go there, take some time together.”
Adwapa nods, and the pair walk out, Belcalis, Kweku and Acalan trailing behind them, presumably to find quiet spots of their own at the watering hole.
Keita returns moments after they leave, his face still gleaming with moisture from his bath, which I doubt took even five minutes to complete. Having been a soldier for most of his life, Keita is lightning fast at eating, bathing, falling asleep – all the necessities, really.
He pulls me down to sit beside him, then glances at Lamin and Asha. “No bathing for you?”
Lamin shrugs. “I’ll just wait till everyone is finished.”
“Same,” Asha adds.
I nod, turn to Keita, and intertwine my fingers in his. I lean my head against his shoulder. “How are you feeling?”
He shrugs. “Alive. That’s good enough, isn’t it?”
There’s a tone in his voice. So much unspoken. So many, many things. I grow still, not sure what to say.
Asha and Lamin look at each other, silent messages passing between their eyes. They both swiftly rise. “I’ll go find some quiet,” Lamin says.
He walks over to another part of the oasis, Asha doing the same.
Now it’s just Keita and me. A corner of his mouth lifts into a wry smile as he looks at me and says, “That was nice of them.”
I nod. “I think everyone needs some quiet right now.” Then I search his eyes. “How are you truly feeling?”
He lifts a finger, and a flame appears above the tip. He dances it from finger to finger, his eyes fixed on it so they don’t meet mine. He shrugs. “I’m not sure. So much has happened… I was killed – I’m immortal now. Well, conditionally immortal. Who knows what my final death will be.
“Honestly, I keep waiting to feel something – anything: panic, worry, fear… But I just feel normal, and that frightens me. I should feel something deeper, shouldn’t I, Deka?”
I frown at him. “Do you have to feel something more?”
He shrugs again. “Most people do – I think. Most people probably would.”
“You’re not most people.”
“No. I’m a monster,” Keita says quietly.
My heart jolts. “Keita, you—”
He holds up his hand, stopping me. “I don’t mean the fire, Deka. I mean all the killing, all the things I’ve done. I know you don’t see it, but I am. That’s why I don’t feel. I try so hard, but I just don’t. There’s something monstrous about that, isn’t there? Sometimes it feels like everything isn’t real, and I’m just sort of floating…”
Tears rush to my eyes. Those words. What he’s saying, there’s so much pain, so much horror hidden there. And worse, it seems like he’s not yet in the place where he can cope with it. So he’s separating.
I put my arms around him, bury my head in his chest to try to anchor him to me. “You’re not a monster, Keita. You’re just a boy they made into a killer. You are what they made you. Just like they made me. If you’re a monster, then so am I.”
Keita just stares at me. Finally, after some moments, he nods. “Anyway, at least now I know why I kept having nightmares about burning.”
A deflection if I ever heard one. But I know better than to push him right now. So I poke my finger through the flame he’s still darting across his fingertips, jerking back when it burns. I look up at him, curious. “Does it hurt?”
He shakes his head. “It just feels…odd. Like a tingling, almost.”
I smile. “I know that feeling.” Then I glance up at him again, serious now. “Keita, when I saw you lying there earlier, I almost—”
He puts his hand to my lips. Shakes his head. “It’s already over. I’m safe. We’re safe.”
“But are we?” The words pour out of me, and they continue coming. “You nearly died because of me. Because my mere existence puts your life at risk. I mean, you could’ve gone back home to Gar Fatu, gone anywhere and grown old and died, and now you’re—”
“Immortal. Like you,” he reminds me.