Page 35 of Codename: Dustoff
CHAPTERNINETEEN
“Don’t leave me hanging here, Amelia. Then what happened?”
After the weekend with Emmett, I’d asked Pam if I could come and see her first thing Monday.
“I blacked out or passed out. I’m not sure what you would call it. But one minute, I felt like every nerve ending in my body had rubbing alcohol poured on it, and the next I woke up and it was morning, and Emmet had slept behind me, holding me against his chest.”
I’d been so embarrassed when I woke up, but god Emmett was so apologetic and understanding. Larry and Jared Flynn had worked on my car all week and called on Saturday to tell me it was finished. Emmett followed me back to my house to drop off my Hyundai, and then I gave him a ride back to Barren Hill. We’d talked on the way home about what happened the night previous, and despite my objections he blamed himself for being too “lost in the moment” that he should have gone slower.
Pam took a sip of her coffee before placing it on her plug-in coffee warmer and making a note in my file. She flicked her pen between her finger and thumb, shaking it while she appeared to contemplate something in my file. The seconds hung between us while I watched her re-read what she wrote.
“This is progress,” she began with a smile. “I think that perhaps you got a bit too excited over our meeting with the doctors last week. Given all of the obstacles in your way, it’s possible you need to feel more emotional intimacy with Emmett.”
“There was definitely attraction,” I countered, confused as to why she would question the why of our hooking up.
“I don’t doubt there’s attraction. From the sound of it, he’s both sweet and charming and easy on the eyes. However, you both have been through some significant trauma. While Emmett appears to be more accepting of his disability than you, it’s possible he is battling with some feelings of inadequacy. Given his reaction every time something happens between you two. And, maybe you need to feel something deeper now that you have all of these damaged nerves. Something else to give you last lift over the hill to completion.”
Not that I’d ever been a one night stand kind of girl, but prior to Afghanistan I certainly didn’t need to feel emotionally connected in order to come.
“Trauma, Amelia,” Pam replied as if reading my thoughts. “Your life is significantly different now than the last time you were physically intimate with anyone. Life changes us as much as our situations change. So perhaps the more trust you put into your relationship, the more satisfying the sex will be. It’s purely a hypothesis, but one worth exploring.”
I nodded, getting lost in my own thoughts. “I didn’t get triggered back to Afghanistan,” I told her, as if that alone is evidence of my trauma changing, “and the pain was intense. But intense in a different way. Sort of like pins and needles but they hurt at the same time. That’s what it felt like—everywhere. As if my whole body had been asleep.”
“Oh my god! Amelia, that could be really great news! I mean, not that you hurt, but this different feeling.” She furiously jotted down more notes in my file. “We’ll have to get you in with Dr. Xiao, but if you had an intense feeling of pins and needles—maybe, and I’m no expert so I can’t say, but maybe that means your nervous system is trying to like draw a new map?”
I hadn’t thought about it that way. I’d been so embarrassed. And I felt so bad for Emmett. What a mess I was. How terrible that he’s saddled with a woman whose body picks the absolute worst possible second to seize up and freak out.
“How did you leave things with Emmett?”
“God he was so apologetic. I feel so bad.”
“But you’re still talking?”
I nod my head in place of answering, choosing instead to take another long sip of coffee.
“Well unfortunately Dr.Xiao doesn’t have office hours today. She is usually here on Wednesdays, you know the day you normally come in.” She winked at me with feigned inconvenience. “I can get you on her schedule then?”
Jones: Just talked to your boyfriend. I’m so glad you changed your mind. Thank you for being willing to come celebrate my special day. It means so much to me. I know the rest of the unit will be thrilled to see you as well.
The text popped up as I was looking at my iCal to confirm I had availability. The name alone had me drawing in a breath, but the words? Took that breath right out of my lungs and refused to give it back.
“Hey you okay? You went from smiling and laughing to a look of total panic. What’s going on?”
I looked up at Pam and didn’t even think I had access to words to explain the situation. He heard from my boyfriend I changed my mind? I was so confused. Where would he have even called that he came in contact with Emmett? Jones knew nothing about my life other than I was back at home at Haven’s Cove and attending support group in Barren Hill. It would take a lot of phone calls to even reach Emmett.
“Jones wants me to come to his wedding,” I tell Pam.
“Oh that’s great! I am so proud of you.” She beamed as she made a note of it in my file. “That shows real growth, Amelia. Wow. I can’t wait to report that up the chain. That support group of yours really is helping. When’s the wedding?”
“New Year’s Eve,” I reply, still laser focused on my phone.
“I’ll make a note in my file that you are approved to miss those support meetings.” She reached across desk and squeezed my hand. “Amelia, truly, I am floating on the pride I have for you. You really took what I said to heart, and really jumped in with both feet. Seeing this kind of progress? It’s days like this as a social worker that I live for.”
With a reaction like that I couldn’t tell her that I didn’t want to go, that I was freaking out inside that he would even think I would. But she said she was proud of me. She was going to note in my file that I was healing and moving toward acceptance.
“I don’t know if I can, Pam. Everyone will be there.”
“And you will see that absolutely no one holds you accountable for an IED you would have no way of knowing was there. Seeing you will in no way detract from Jones’s wedding. It will be great. Truly.”