Page 59 of Lilacs and Leather
“If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck.”
As soon as the words are out of my mouth, something hits the wall next to my head, and a slice of pain shoots across my forehead. Looking down, I find the remains of a lamp on the floor, and something warm slides down my face. I touch my forehead with a shaky hand, and it comes away wet with blood. Stunned and dazed, I notice too late that Darren is charging at me. I scream as a hand wraps around my throat and slams me into the wall. My head spins as it bounces off the plaster and I feel something give behind my back.
“You are going to watch your fucking tone with me, you omega bitch,” Darren snarls, fingers digging hard into my neck.
I cough and sputter, his fingers cutting off my air even as his tobacco scent fills my senses. I scratch at his hand, and my vision starts to go black. Before I pass out, he releases his grip and I collapse to the floor, gasping for air.
“You’re going to go in tomorrow and quit. And you will never speak to me like that again. Understood, omega?”
My back arches as the icy words of his bark crash over me. I fall onto my back, head tilting painfully to expose my throat. My mind shuts down, giving in to the command.
“Yes, Alpha,” I croak.
“Clean up this mess and then come to bed. You owe me an apology.”
My head throbs with phantom pain, and I realize that I’m running my finger along the faint scar that still sits over my eyebrow from that fight. The feeling of my sweat-damp brow makes my stomach lurch, the feeling too close to blood for comfort. Rhett notices my subconscious action, his mouth pressing into a thin line as I see his shoulders tense, even as I lower my hand down, wrapping my arm around my knees again. I don’t dare tell him that scar is only the first one Darren ever gave me and was far from the last.
“We’d fought before that, but it was the first time he put his hands on me. The first time he used his bark on me. I tried to ask for help, but no one understood why I had a problem with his reaction. My mom told me I shouldn’t have provoked him. Jason was more interested in saying ‘I told you so’ than actually helping me. All the friends I had before were gone, thanks to Darren. I tried to jump out of the pot, but no one was there to catch me.”
I stare at the couch again, nails digging into my legs through my jeans. Rhett stays silent, but I can see his leg bouncing out of the corner of my eye. I smile a little at the restraint he’s showing, even if his scent is strong with old paper and ink, and a slightly smokey hint of burning newspaper.
“After that, when he realized he had me where he wanted me, it somehow got even worse. He wasmean. The name calling was constant and cut me down to my core. Nothing I did was right, even when I was following his directions to the letter. He knew I have a weird gag reflex with other people’s saliva, but he’d spit everywhere just because he wanted to get a reaction from me. He wouldn’t hit me in the face, because he never wanted to leave visible marks, but he enjoyed seeing me in pain, I think.”
“Did you… did he ever—”
I nod and flinch at the savage snarl that comes before he can check it. Rhett takes several deep breaths, trying to get himself under control again.
“He would always make me feel incredibly guilty anytime I didn’t want to sleep with him. I would give in, just to avoid the days of emotional hell that would come after a refusal. But I know that’s not really consent,” I mutter, hugging my legs a little tighter.
“No, it isn’t,” Rhett growls.
Somehow, I knew this would be the most difficult part to explain, how I let Darren touch me when I didn’t really want it, but just wanted to avoid the fighting. Rhett values consent more than anyone I’ve ever met, and it feels like I’m disappointing him by admitting that I haven’t always done the same. Even if I know the anger flashing in his eyes isn’t directed at me, a small part of my mind still flinches back from him, waiting for him to lash out. I clear my throat and keep going, trying to push that fear down and away.
“I told you about the incident with my heat in the hotel. But I didn’t tell you how messed up I was afterwards. I was so out of it, between my heat making my hormones crazy, and whatever pheromones he was pushing out, but I knew I didn’t want him as my bond mate. He was fully locked in when he tried to bite me, and I only remember being so scared that the pain didn’t matter. I just had to get away.”
Rhett sucks in a breath that draws my eyes up to him. He’s staring at me with wide eyes, silver lining the edges. His hands are clenched hard, one in his lap and the other on the back of the couch, and I can see the slight tremor in his forearms. My eyes burn, both at the memory of that night, and the intensity of Rhett’s gaze. The mixture of fury and worry in his eyes unsettles me, and I have to blink back tears. An alpha’s knot is an evolutionary remnant of a time when ensuring pregnancy after each coupling was vital, while also producing a flood of bonding chemicals, which is how mate bonds can be formed. It isn’t supposed to come out early, and doing so causes serious damage. But adrenaline and fear can do wonders, and they helped me get away that night, despite the pain. I can see the implications of my admission hit him, each realization of what happened that night making his face fall until all that’s left is a mixture of pity and awe.
“How did you…” he gasps.
“Survive? I don’t know how I found the strength to do it, but I made it to the front desk. The night manager didn’t ask questions, didn’t even hesitate before driving me to the hospital. I owe that woman my life, but I never learned her name,” I deadpan, my voice steadier than I thought it would be.
“But you said that you didn’t want him. He tried to force the bond on you. You didn’t—”
“I did,” I say with a shaky, wet laugh. “Darren found me in the hospital a day later and was the picture of contrition. I was still out of it from my heat, and I believed every word he said. He promised he would be better. That this would never happen again. And I fucking believed him. I had so many nurses ask me if I was okay, if I was safe. It’s not illegal in Louisiana to force an omega to take a knot if they’re in heat, but I was told that my bloodwork showed I had still been lucid enough for charges to be filed. But I didn’t leave. I went back.”
I was crying now, guilt overwhelming me and cutting off my words. I bury my face in my knees, gritting my teeth to keep from sobbing outright. Arms wrap around my shoulders, the scent of dark chocolate and whiskey slides over me, warm and soothing. I let Rhett pull me across the couch, settling me into the space between his legs and against his chest. I close my eyes and let the tears fall for a few more moments.
“I think the worst part, in retrospect, is how fucking relieved I was when the doctors told me there would be no permanent damage. Omega bodies are built to give birth, so healing from this would be relatively easy. A few weeks of bed rest, and I’d be well enough for penetrative sex, but I still wouldn’t be able to take a knot again for a few months. As long as I didn’t push it, they said, by my next heat cycle, I’d be right as rain.”
“That’s a really shitty thing for a doctor to say to someone who’d just been through that kind of trauma,” Rhett growls lowly, arms tightening around me for a moment.
“You’re not wrong. But I was just so… grateful that I hadn’t made myself worthless,” I reply heavily.
“Your worth is never, has never been, and never will be defined by your ability to take a knot, Lydia.”
I pull away slightly to look up into his face. His eyes are hard chips of lapis under an angry brow. Up close, I can see the flecks of cobalt and cerulean in the irises dancing like blue flames. His mouth is set in a thin line, a muscle in his jaw twitching with the tension. I know he wants to say more, but I don’t want to push him. I settle back into his chest, releasing my death grip on my legs slightly. We sit in silence for a few more moments, and I feel the tension leave his shoulders when he buries his nose into my still damp hair.
“When did the scars happen?” he whispers after a few moments.