Page 168 of Lost in the Dark
He snarls and his spiked spine flexes forward to cage me like a prisoner—caging me like those damn orderlies.
“I spurn you, Astar! Leave me and never find me again!”
Haven’t I learned by now that words spoken in anger only makes this worse? Hasn't my mother shown me that certain things can never be taken back?
He roars and dissipates into a mist, merging inside of me, trying to possess me. The chaos in my mind explodes and I scream in pain. He claws at my thoughts with anger, a need to hurt me as much as he can, and I claw at my own skin, trying to give him the same.
After all the pain that surrounds me, I finally let myself drown. The waves pull me in and all that’s left is numbness. I lay there on the rocky ground with flames that continue to climb around me, letting myself wither away into the nothingness I now feel. Astar roars inside of my mind, trying to start another fight inside of me, but I close my eyes, willing it to end right here. I tire of these games, tire of playing at life—justtired.
The room cools, but I lack the motivation to care or try. Hands touch me, and I turn the other way, wanting to just be left alone.
The sound of voices comes and goes, and so does time as I lie here on this bed. On one particular morning, my empty eyes refocus and stare out the window.
How does life continue to move forward when it feels like time stops in this facility?
The sun goes down, and I haven’t moved a muscle. The chill of the room has frozen me, mentallyandphysically.
My eyes roam around and find that there’s a file folder on the side table with my name on it. A body and hand enter my view, grabbing the file and flipping through it. The sound of paper rustling breaks the silence of the dead.
“It’s time to go home, Benji.”
Shutting my eyes, the Cajun’s voice is the last thing I wanted to hear.
Idon’t know what’s happening. It’s as if I’m in an alternate universe where the Cajun is my conservator and Mrs. Aquino is meeting with the case manager about my discharge papers.
Was this all a really bad dream?I feel like I’m stuck in that old black and white TV show with the spinning spiral intro.
“Thank you. I’ll take it from here.”
I look to Mr. Thibodeaux Broussard, T-boy, in my mind. My head twitches with uncertainty. I hate feeling like this. Hate being lost. It reminds me of my mother, who used to yell in distress about some sort of problem I supposedly had, when in reality, the problem was created by her.
We walk toward the front of the facility with papers in hand, and the rest of the residents watch with their empty gazes. The orderly with his face scratched has unmarred skin.Curious.
The sun shining in from the outside of the facility is too bright.Too much.I back away from the door, but Thib’s hand grabs my arm and squeezes it in reassurance. Nodding my head, I take a deep breath and walk out the double layered locked doors with him toward his car.
It feels so foreign, being outside. Even though the workers take us out occasionally, it’s not the same when it feels like you’re no longer in a controlled environment. Thib leads us to a blacked-out sedan, and I hesitate to get inside. He leans over the roof of the car and stares at me intently in silence.
It’s weird that I don’t see the usual hate in there. I don’t know how to read this situation at all.Fuck it, I tell myself as I open the door and slip inside.
“I’m not even sure where home is,” I blurt out in the silence of the ride. We’re on a highway to nowhere as far as I’m concerned.
Thib pulls the car over on the highway shoulder and I turn to look at him in confusion. There’s nothing out here but emptiness. Is this where he takes me out back and kills me? That would make sense.
I’m caught by surprise when Thib grabs my shirt, pulls, and slams his lips on me. There’s a fire in his passion and the awkward tension becomes even thicker between us. His mouth pushes and pulls, refusing to let me escape.
I don’t know what’s going on. Ihatedthis fucker. And then I was grateful for him taking me away from that place. Now, I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel.I’ve been feeling too much.
When his tongue delves against mine seductively, I surrender and give it back to him just as hard.
It’s been a while since I’ve felt pleasure.
What feels like an hour of lip locking probably only lasted a few minutes. My head is utterly spinning with confusion, lust, and chaos.Is this madness?He ends the kiss with a nip on my bottom lip and whispers words that send a shudder through my body. “You are bound to me.”
“A-Astar?”
Who knew I’d miss that stupid demon this much?
My chest aches at the hope I feel growing inside of me. I don’t like this. It’s out of my control again. No, no, no. Pulling away, I turn to face the passenger window, trying to tamp down the emotion that wants to bubble out of my skin.He left me. He abandoned me.