Page 194 of Lost in the Dark

Be a team player, Kez. You can do this.

The self-talk wasn't cutting it, though.

"Do you need a hand?" the instructor asked. Her name badge read Carol.

I tried to level a concerned, not-at-all desperate look at her. "I'm not sure I'm up for this, Carol. I know it helps us overcome our fears and grow, but I'm terrified of that." I pointed up at the rope stretched between two large poles. It wasn't the only one on the course, but apparently this was where we were starting.

Fuck knew why.

Tackle the hardest thing first? I shook my head, refusing to glance up and let the sheer height of that pole frighten me further, though I could already hear others begin the climb. Carol had told us there was room on the platform for half a dozen people, perfectly safe, as it meant we could cheer each other on.

I thought that made it worse.

"A fear of heights is perfectly normal, but like other things in life, we can't let our fears get in the way." Carol gripped my elbow gently. "I know you can do this, and I'll be with you every step of the way." She stepped back and eyed my waist, then turned to the pile of gear, pulling out what she no doubt considered was the right size for me. "Come on, step in."

She held what I could only assume were the legs of the harness open. I put one hand on her shoulder and did as I was told, stepping into the loops, knowing that there was no escaping this. The longer I took, the worse it would be.

And heaven forbid being the last asshole up that pole and having the whole damn team fixated on me while I made a dick out of myself. Carol tightened the harness around my waist before fiddling with the straps around my thighs. They cut in a bit, but I wasn't going to complain; a wedgie was the least of my concerns.

"Are you sure I have to?" I asked, as Carol straightened.

"The rest of the team is." She patted my arm and grinned. "It's going to be totally fine, and afterwards, you'll feel such a rush, like you had no idea what you were worried about!"

I smiled back. "And if all else fails, I can have wine with lunch, right?"

"Something like that," Carol said quietly, her eyes flicking to my boss, who was halfway up the pole. Carol's colleague working as an offsider was at the top, ushering people onto the platform and helping the first fool begin the crossing. "Come on."

She led me over to join the rest of the team.

We were twelve in total, missing only Jeff, whose wife had gone into labor early, making him a proud father who could skip this trip with the blessing of the company. The reprieve would almost be worth having a baby for, I thought.

And yet, the setting was gorgeous, and it was good to be in a place that Karl couldn't find me. I was safe. Even if I was still having nightmares. I sidled up next to Jenny, who I shared a desk with. I could never figure out if she actually liked me or just tolerated my presence—or lack of—but she gave me a broad smile and leaned towards me.

"Ever done this before?" she asked quietly.

"It's one thing I have never wanted to try before, and if I could avoid it now, you bet your ass I would," I said, wrinkling my nose in distaste.

"Come on, you're a party girl. Surely, you're keen for any adrenaline rush?" Jenny raised an eyebrow, assessing me with a critical eye.

There it was. The first stab of the retreat; Keziah, party girl, always getting herself into mischief. That was what everyone assumed when I came into work after a weekend with bruises. Drank too much, fell down some stairs, walked into something, such a klutz. That girl has a real problem.

And I did. It just wasn't with holding my booze.

"I prefer my adrenaline to come at ground level," I replied with a tight smile.

"Uh huh." Jenny winked, and I wanted to reach out and smack her, to scream at the lot of them that I wasn't the mess they thought I was.

Or maybe I was, but it wasn't all my fault.

I didn't think they would believe me if I tried, though. Too much bad blood in the water. Too many mistakes in the past. Too many times I'd let the team down. I had to find some way to turn things around. And it started now.

Back straight, shoulders set, I joined in with the shouts of encouragement as the others in my team made their way across the rope. There were guidelines on each side to hold on to, and the harness, of course, meaning no one was going to fall to their death. None of that made me feel any better as I reached out to grip the first rungs on the ladder. I glanced up, the thick stretch of the pole seeming to shoot high into the grey sky, past the outstretched branches of the tallest trees. The pole seemed to stretch further as I stood there.

It had to be a figment of my imagination.

"Up you go," Carol said cheerfully from behind me. "Remember to use your carabiner. Click it in every time you move your hand up. Safety first."

I gritted my teeth and put my foot on the bottom rung, hauling myself off the ground. That first step was hard, and I could already feel the gravity of the world trying to draw me down, but I forced my hands and feet to move in a semi-organized fashion up the pole.