Page 52 of Montana Mystery

“I felt so fucking guilty I’d gotten out and Jude hadn’t. And that I’d survived at all when everyone else hadn’t. They—” He swallowed thickly. “They wanted information from us. What plans did the United States have? Where were we stationed? What did we know about them, and how much? Some of it we knew, and some we didn’t. Of course, that doesn’t matter in an interrogation.”

Noah tilted his face back to look at the sky, the moon illuminating his face with cool light. I drank in the image. So raw and open. So striking. Painted like this, he was all sharp angles and planes. Right now? I didn’t think I’d ever get enough of just looking at him.

That was terrifying too, in its own way.

“We’re trained to withstand it,” he said softly. “There’s a reason that SEALs are talked about the way they are. They put us through hell so that we’re able to withstand it. But until you’re actually there? In hell? You don’t have a fucking clue what it’s like. What it will do to your mind. Your body.”

It was my turn to swallow. I wanted to touch him. Wrap him up in my arms so he could feel as safe with me as I did with him.

I didn’t move, but I did find my voice. “They tortured you.”

It wasn’t a question.

“Yes.” Then, slowly, “It was cold in those caves. There are thousands of them, and some connect. Create wind tunnels. And people don’t realize how cold it gets in the Middle East. Especially in the winter.”

He wasn’t wearing a coat. Just the shirt he’d had on earlier. “It’s freezing. You must be cold, and—”

“I go back and forth with the cold. Every time there’s a gust of wind and it throws me back there. Fuck, even when I kissed you the first time—” He broke off and glanced at me. “And then there are moments when it makes me remember what I came back from. It was working with the animals that helped me.”

Reaching out, I took his hand. Noah didn’t pull away. His fingers wove through mine. Wrapping us together. That small movement—that trust—felt like the most intimate moment we’d had.

“This guy,” he smiled for a second, “is Al Pacacino.”

A laugh burst out of me. He hadn’t told me the names of them when we’d walked around the other day. “Really?”

“Really.” The ghost of a smile was on his face, but his eyes were still haunted, lost in the maze of memories that still held him captive in those caves. “Animals are simple. They like you or they don’t. They respond honestly to whatever you offer them. Whenever I’m struggling, I come out and spend time with them, and they help me find my center. Animals don’t have the complex motivations that make some people want to hurt others.”

He reached out and ran his free hand along the alpaca’s neck. “But I do. I have them.”

“Noah—”

“I spend so much time pushing against that part of me. Those instincts. And I can’t pretend it didn’t feel good to let that all go. If I hadn’t stopped?”

“You did stop.”

“It would have been easy not to.”

Pulling on his hand, I turned him to face me. “I told you I’m not afraid of you, Noah.”

“Maybe you should be.” The sadness in his voice broke my heart.

“No. I absolutely should not be. There’s no part of me that believes you can’t tell the difference between what you did and what you would have chosen if you’d had another choice. You did that to help me. To save me. From what might have happened. You didn’t leave me alone in there.” I reached up and took his face in my hands. “And what I said earlier is just as true now. You don’t scare me.”

Noah leaned down, touching his forehead to mine. In the cold air, our breaths mingled. He took a long, shuddering breath. “Thank you.”

“Come inside with me,” I murmured. “It’s my turn to make the tea.”

Half of his mouth curved into a smile. “Okay.”

Our hands were still linked as we walked back to the house together, the only sound the crunch of snow beneath our boots. I reached the stairs of the back porch first and turned to face him. This was the first time I’d ever been the same height, since he towered over me when we were on level ground.

“I need to say something.”

Noah’s eyes were clear now, and his gaze dropped to my lips before flicking back to mine. A curl of heat rolled through me when he looked. Like he already knew what I was going to say before I said it.

“Am I completely over what I saw tonight? No. I’m not. But I’m not going to pretend that anything that happens between us is because of them.” I lowered my eyes along with my voice, half afraid he would say no again. “We were already heading in this direction before tonight, and we both know it. Right now, you need me as much as I need you.” Physically. Mentally. In every way.

I dared to raise my eyes again. “Please don’t make me sleep alone.”