Page 109 of Avoidance
“Thank God for that,” I murmured.
“Ready for that talk now?” He interlaced his fingers with mine.
“I have been working through a lot of things over the past two months. I learned a lot working with T.J. He helped me to see that I wasn’t taking responsibility for my actions. I was making choices, and then blaming it on my mother as if she was responsible for all of things that were wrong in my life. Then she told me that she was an alcoholic, and I wasn’t mad at her – I was mad at myself. Without even knowing it, I had done the very same thing that she did. I felt like the world’s biggest piece of shit, and I convinced myself that I wasn’t good enough for you. I was ashamed of the person I had become, and I didn’t understand how you could love me.
When I saw you with your arm around that girl, and how happy you looked performing, I told myself that you would be better off without me. I had issues; I came with baggage, and I thought I didn’t deserve someone like you. I was spiraling out of control, and I didn’t want to bring you down with me.”
Chase looked at me with pain in his eyes. “That is not how I saw you. Not once.”
“It’s how I saw myself. I was my own worst enemy for a while.”
“So, what changed?”
“I met with my mother again, the night I booked my flight to come see you. I hugged her, and I told her that I forgave her for everything. She admitted to me that she regrets her decision to leave every single day. Knowing that my father is gone, knowing she lost all those years with me – she made a mistake that can never be undone. I felt so sad for her. That has to be the worst pain in the world, to know that you will never be able to have a second chance.
I don’t want to spend the rest of my life knowing that you’re the one wrong I can’t make right. If I love you, then I have to stop being the person that doesn’t deserve you, and start being the kind of person you deserve – the person I deserve to be for myself. I was so stupid to think that letting you go was the right thing to do. You’re supposed to fight for what you love, and I will fight for you every single day.” Tears spilled out of my eyes as I envisioned Chase, unconscious on the floor just hours before. “I thought you were gone when I found you last night. I thought I had lost you forever.”
“You didn’t lose me. You will never lose me. I will always be right here with you. I told you – you are the only one for me. I don’t ever want to be with anyone else.” He stroked my cheek tenderly. “When you left to come back home, I was angry at first. I was so frustrated with myself that I didn’t know how to fix your problems, and I was even more frustrated that you didn’t want my help. In a way, it hurt to hear how great you were doing with T.J.’s help. It felt like he had something that I didn’t. You trusted him to help you; you trusted him enough to let him in. Yet, you always pushed me away. It was really difficult for me; but, the more I thought about it, the more I realized that it wasn’t about me. It was about you. The most important thing to me was you – your health, your happiness. I wasn’t alright knowing that you weren’t alright. So, I told myself that if you needed to do this, I was going to stand by you, no matter what the consequences were for me.
You can give me your worst; you can push me away, and tell me that I deserve better, but you will never be able to convince me of the lies your fear tells you. I know you. I know who you truly are inside, and I know that we are exactly the kind of people we deserve to be with. You are so strong, you are capable of anything. I just want to show you that I could be strong enough for you – that I could be good enough for you.” He stroked my cheek. “I’m in awe of you, Merritt. I always have been. When you came back to California, I wanted to pack my things and leave with you instantly.”
“You did?”
“You came back for me, and I knew that was all I needed. I spent the past few months chasing after my dream, but without you in my life – it just didn’t seem worth it. For a moment, I had the woman of my dreams and the career of my dreams, and I felt like I was on top of the world. When you left, the world came crashing down. My heart wasn’t in it anymore. Nothing means anything if I don’t have you.”
“But you were so happy performing.”
“I was happy, but I wasn’t as happy as I was with you. I had fun, but it wasn’t as much fun as it was when you were there. What is the point of building the life you’ve always wanted if the girl you love isn’t there to share it with?”
“We can go back together. Once Donnie fixes up the bar–”
“No,” Chase interrupted. “I don’t want to go back. All I want is my old life back. I want to see you every day, to help my family out with the shop, and live a normal life. Between being in the bar all hours of the night, and almost losing you in that earthquake,” he shook his head. “I don’t want to put our relationship in danger ever again. If I lost you, I would never have been able to forgive myself.”
“You’ll never lose me. Besides, I think we’ve hit our quota on life-threatening situations, at least for a while. Look at all we have been through: you saved me from a burning car crash, and I saved you from an earthquake. I think our relationship can survive anything now.”
He flashed his brilliant smile, and I felt an aching in my heart. How I had missed that face staring back at me, showing me what forever could look like in his sparkling eyes. Life was about making choices, and as long as we chose to be with each other, nothing else mattered. I pressed my lips against his, running my fingers through his hair as if I had never felt its softness before. His tongue parted my lips, and I welcomed it home. He removed the towel from around my body and let it fall to the floor, letting me know what he wanted. Sitting up, he leaned his back against the headboard while I straddled my legs on either side of him. I set the bag of peas on the nightstand, reminding myself that he was an injured man as I pulled open the drawer for a condom. The months without him had felt like years, and after everything we had been through, I needed to feel as close to him as possible.
I drew him into me, and our hips rocked back and forth in a slow and steady rhythm. My arms and legs were wrapped so tightly around him that there wasn’t an inch of space between us. Both of his hands were entangled in my hair, his kiss becoming more intense with each passing second. Soon I heard his familiar groans.
I leaned back to plant my hands behind me on the mattress, deliberately slowing my hips down so that the moment would last as long as possible. He watched me, his eyes filled with desire.
“We should take it slow,” I breathed. “You’re hurt.”
He smirked, and with that, he flipped me over onto my stomach. I propped myself up on my hands and knees as he pushed himself inside me again. I gripped the sheets when I heard his moan echo in the room; I shivered when I felt his hand slide down in between my thighs; and I cried out as I felt his fingers glide against me. The way he touched me made me feel such intense pleasure, every nerve ending in my body was tingling from head to toe. He met my mouth with his and took my bottom lip in between his teeth as he drove himself deeper into me with long, slow strokes. His left hand cradled my jaw as he kissed me with more passion than I had ever felt before. The way he made love to me, Chase made sure that I understood exactly how he felt: I was his, and he was mine, and we would never be apart again. All of my fears and insecurities melted away. I knew it was true.
I moaned and hummed and called his name, unable to contain what I was feeling. Without letting me catch my breath, Chase flipped me onto my back.
I giggled, looking up at him. “I guess you’re feeling better.”
He hiked my knees up to my chest and plunged inside me. “It feels like it has been so long,” he said, half-groaning and half-whispering.
I took two handfuls of his ass and squeezed as I lifted my pelvis up to meet his. Sweat was dripping from the small of his back and I knew he was fighting his mounting urge. I spread my legs as far as I could so I could feel every inch of him inside me. He growled louder and his thrusts only lasted a few more seconds until his fingers dug into my skin. His entire body tensed, and he exhaled as he collapsed next to me on the bed.
“God, I missed you,” he panted.
I curled my body around him, resting my head in the crook of his neck. “You don’t ever have to miss me again.”
“I don’t plan on it. You’re stuck with me forever.”