Page 55 of Dare To Free Us
“Raise a child in this world!” I rushed out. Clawed hands took ahold of my soul, skinning in so deep I wanted to scream.
Matteo became very calm. No emotion showed on his face. I’d only seen that look a few times and knew it was him using every bit of his strength to not lose control. His gripped tightened on my arms. “What are you saying, Arianna?”
“I’m saying I can’t stand the thought of raising a child in this chaos. The violence, the danger and what all of it means for our baby’s future.”
“Arianna, things are insane right now, I understand that, but it will pass,” he tried to reason.
“But what if it doesn’t? What if you get killed or go to prison? What will happen to us?” My voice had gone high and strained.
“I have plans in place. Nico will get you somewhere safe…”
I shook my head. “It’s not just that, Matteo. So what if all this passes? What kind future will our children have? If we have a daughter she will never be considered anything more than a commodity by others. She will be a target as a way to hurt you. She will never get the opportunity to fall in love with a man who could give her a life free of violence.”
“You are being ridiculous. I would never let her get used. I’d keep her safe.” Matteo looked like I was in need of a one way ticket to the nut house.
“That’s not something you can promise!” I shouted. “This baby is still inside me and its life was already almost taken. The attack was not something you could have prevented. And you won’t be able to stop it if there’s a next time. You can’t control everything around you.”
Matteo’s words were hard and cold. “Of course not Arianna. That’s why there are precautions taken. Security. Risk exists everyday in this life, you knew that.”
I had known that and accepted the risk it posed to me, but I never fully grasped the truth that I was also making that choice for my kids. When we first got together things were strained, but I was too deep into having my dark prince and a calm two years after that I’d forgotten to open my eyes bigger.
For years I dreamed of a life with Matteo. When I was young they focused on thrills, money, lust, and the freedom to love who I wanted. Then after Lorenzo doomed us and I got older, I fantasized about what our family would look like. However, I had never experienced mafia life first hand, my father doing everything in his power to make sure I was never touched by it. There were always rumors and whispers of how terrifying it all was but they never had an impact because I thought I would never be living it.
When Becka was threatened by Lorenzo I knew in my heart Matteo would never do that. The knowledge allowed me to gloss over the fact it wasn’t an uncommon occurrence because I’d never witnessed it before. That once Matteo took over, things like that wouldn’t happen. Then the kidnapping attempt with Becka and I got played it down to a freak attempt because we were at war with a psycho. As far as I’d known, that level of chaos was uncommon.So fucking stupid.
So, in my dreams there was no darkness. No violence or bloodshed, it was just us. Us as lovers. Us as best friends. Us as happy parents with children that grew up and blessed us with grandkids. The rest had been background noise.
“I thought I knew, Matteo,” I whispered. Now those claws where pulling at my soul. A small tear formed, making me feel like the beginning of an end had begun.
His hands fell from my arms, raking through his hair. “You are over reacting, Arianna. It might not even be a girl.”
“So what if it’s a boy?” I snapped. Matteo met my eyes, surprised by my anger. “He will have a target on his back the moment he’s born. He’ll grow up in a world of blood. It will take all his innocence and twist him into something that maybe he doesn’t want to be. Have you thought about that Matteo? What if your son doesn’twantto be the next Don?”
His face darkened. I could tell I asked a question he’d never considered. Why would he? The mafia was all Matteo had ever known. Sons follow in their father’s footsteps, that was just the way of it. Matteo had been looking forward to it, maybe hoping to do it better than his father.
“And that’s if he’s lucky enough not to die young like your brother.”
Matteo’s back snapped straight. A muscle ticked in his jaw as his hands fisted on his knees. “Don’t do that Arianna,” he warned coldly. “Dante was a fool. My son will not be.”
“What, like your father? He took security everywhere and he was still shot!”
“Enough,” he roared. But I was too far to stop now.
“It’s true! You can’t stop ambition if someone is willing to pay a heavy price for it. You may believe this is your world to control, but it’s not. You can’t control everything or prevent the inevitable.”
Matteo stood so fast the stool crashed to the floor behind him. “AND WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO ABOUT IT? I spend every waking moment running this business to build a future for us and loving you! I can’t change those things. What the hell do you expect me to do? Walk away?”
Yes!My mouth opened but nothing came out. I knew it would never happen. The day I stood on the altar with Matteo I turned my life over to him. Then spent the time after being the supporting wife he needed.
Never once had I voiced doubts about not being able to cope with Matteo’s world, because before this none had truly existed. My silence was answer enough.
“Are you fucking kidding me Arianna? That’s it, isn’t it?” Matteo’s powerful hands ran through his hair in frustration. “You married me. We discussed the risks. You said it didn’t matter as long as we were together. Now that you’re pregnant you are suddenly having an epiphany?”
“I can’t help it! You don’t understand. It’skillingme. I sit around all day worrying, thinking, going out of my mind with fear about something happening to our child?”
“You don’t think women in normal society have the same worries?” He threw his arms out wide, unable to stand still as his anger grew.
“It’s not the same! They don’t have to worry about someone actively trying to kill their children every day. Or make them fatherless. Matteo, how can you not see that?”