Page 17 of Come Back to Me
“No,” Mom says with a smile. “Richard is good. I’ll tell him you asked. Thank you.”
The good doc gives her a nod, then turns his attention to me. “Hi Mia, I’m not sure if you remember me, but we saw each other after your trauma last year. I was the neurologist on call. I’m Doctor Rosen, and you can call me David. Your mother tells me you’ve experienced some memory recovery.”
“Yes, and I’m sorry to say, I don’t remember you. Can you tell me what’s happening to my mind? I’m desperate for answers.”
“Of course. Well, it’s not strange to block memory in order to deal with the kind of trauma you encountered. As you heal, your memory will sometimes begin to come back. It typically happens like a vision. It is usually triggered by something like a smell, taste, or a person and can be very emotional.” I sit listening intently to everything I experienced. “So will this keep happening until I remember everything?” This part is scary because although what I’ve gone through has been horrible, I’ve found comfort in the fact that I don’t really remember it. That detail helps me stay numb and detached from the pain…or maybe I am kidding myself.
“What can we do for Mia while her brain is in recovery mode?” Mom asks.
“Help her to connect the dots, but don’t overwhelm her with information. We don’t want any kind of a regression to happen, it’s important that memory is on Mia’s terms. We are going to run some tests and if all checks out normal, then I will refer you to a psychiatrist who can help push the recovery process further.”
She is nodding and I can see her start to tear up.
“It’s okay, mom, this could be worse, I could be going crazy!” She smiles at me and says, “Who says you aren’t already?” Touché!
The doctor laughs. “I like the way you two are handling this. Tell me, Mia, what’s the last memory you have before that night?”
Weird question, but I’ll play.
“I remember coming home from work and watching some awful horror movie with Alex. Then maybe bits and pieces of the gala, but those are more like flashes of pictures. For example, I remember what my dress looked like, but I can’t see myself in the dress.”
“Okay, interesting,” he says as he writes something down.
“Grace, did you have any contact with Mia that day?” Silence… I look to my mother, wondering what’s happened to her hearing, when she says, “May we speak privately, David?”
Huge alarm bells start going off…No way! No flipping way!
“ No way, Mother. I want to know what is going on. This is ridiculous!” I say, clutching the arms of my chair.
“Mia! Do not raise your voice to me. I will tell you all you want to know, if you will please just give me five minutes of privacy with Dr. Rosen.”Oh, so now he’s Dr. Rosen?
Reluctantly, I agree, but only because the carrot of truth dangled in front of me is so enticing. I pace back and forth in front of the door. If there weren’t a ton of people working and walking around the halls, I might put my ear up against the door! It feels like an hour before Dr. Rosen opens it for me to join them again. I almost mow him down getting in.
“Okay, I’ve been waiting, impatiently, for what feels like forever. Someone tell me what the hell is going on!” I look directly at my mother for answers.
“Mia, darling, your last memory is from two months prior to the… happening last year.” She has never been able to say the ugly truth, that I was attacked and almost raped.
“What do you mean, two months? Are you saying I don’t remember two whole months?”
“Yes.” She folds her hands in her lap and shakes her head. I want to scream. I’m officially in the twilight zone.
“This is crazy. So fill me in! What am I missing? Why has everyone kept this a secret?” I’m yelling now, and my anger is directed right at my mother. I can see she is nervous and begins to wring her hands.
“Mia,” she begins calmly, “everyone wants what’s was best for you and the doctors advised us to give you time and comfort, and that is what we all agreed was the right thing to do! It was a horrible circumstance that I still do not understand. We ‘ve all done our best, Amelia!” My mother using my full first name has never, ever been a good sign. Besides, seeing her so distraught makes me feel guilty. She’s done her best and I cannot ask for anything more. I need to think of her, too.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m just overwhelmed and I don’t even know where to start.”
“Mia, I have advised your mother to stay tight-lipped, even now that you now about this lapse in your memory. I think you should try and trigger it on your own. Even if your mother tells you what took place in that time lapse, there’s no way to know if that will trigger everything, and if she tells you and you don’t remember, you could stifle the process.”
Fuckety fuck fuck.
“So, basically I need to try and find ways to trigger my memory?”
“Yes.”
“Forgive me for being naive, but how am I supposed to do that when I don’t know what I don’t know….”
Dr. Rosen looks at me with a shy smile. “That’s where your family and friends can participate. They can take you to places like your old job, or maybe somewhere you went to dinner, but they cannot give you all the information.”