Page 11 of The Wrong Track
I’d gone so far off course that I knew I’d never get back on it. And I’d never run again anyway. “You don’t need to worry,” I said. “I’m all set.”
They both looked at me, waiting. That clearly wasn’t enough for them. “Yes?” Miss Monica encouraged. “I’m ready.” She flexed her fingers again, really ready.
I tried not to sigh out loud, and I reminded myself that they were very, very nice women and that they didn’t have to spend an extra second thinking about me and my issues. I really, really wished they didn’t think about me for even that second, but here we were. “I told you that I’m moving out of state,” I said, trying to make that sound final and definitive.
“When would you leave? When the botanical gardens close for the season?” Her hands hovered, but I only shrugged an answer and she didn’t record that. “All right, well, you mentioned Arizona. Where, exactly, in Arizona? Do you have an address yet? An apartment, a house, a room? What about a car?” Miss Monica asked, and they waited again. They looked like twins, both of them with their heads tilted slightly and big eyes watching me.
I fidgeted with my hands under the table. “Actually, I’m going to Tijuana.” Maybe. If I could find a way around the identity requirements.
“What?” Hazel now frowned. “Is that in Mexico? Do you know people there, Remy?” Monica shook her head and closed the laptop, like she wasn’t typing up any of this plan.
The answer was no, I didn’t know a soul in Mexico, and that was the point. It was far enough away that no one would ever think to look for me there, either. Tobin had shown me what he believed to be a picture of Kilian’s body, but I couldn’t totally trust that. I’d had another dream the night before, this one about hiking in a forest that was green with tall trees that made the air crisp and piney. But there was something behind me, following me, and I’d walked faster and faster. I’d tried, but I couldn’t run like I used to and then I couldn’t breathe right.
And I could hear it. It made scratching noises against the bark of the trees as it got closer, and closer. So close it could touch me.
“Remy?” Hazel asked.
I opened my eyes. “I’ve looked into it,” I promised them. “I could live very cheaply there. It’s near enough to San Diego that I can come back if I ever want to visit. So that’s where I’m going.”
“But what about the baby?” Miss Monica asked. “Who will help you with the baby?”
I got up out of the chair and went into the kitchen. “Would you like some water?” I asked them both.
They exchanged a look before Hazel spoke again. “We really don’t want you to move. I wish you wouldn’t, not to Mexico or anywhere else.”
I didn’t answer. She must have learned by now that it was like my grandma had said, that if wishes were fishes, then…I didn’t remember the rest of the saying but the point was that wishes didn’t come true.
“Maybe you’re leaving because it’s so hard to find a rental around here right now, one in your budget,” she continued. “Mom has been looking, too, and coming up empty. It must be so frustrating for you, but more places might open up in the summer. If you could stay with one of us until then—”
“No, that’s not the problem. I have to go.” That hadn’t come out right. “I would like to move to a new place,” I explained. “It has nothing to do with the lack of rentals here.” I hadn’t even looked for a new apartment in Michigan, or a room, or anything. I needed to leave. Why didn’t they get that?
“How long would you be allowed to live in another country as a foreign citizen?” Miss Monica asked. “Have you found an obstetrician? A hospital where you’ll deliver? Do you have any details you could share?”
No. “It’s good,” I answered, and they looked at each other again, concerned. “That will all be fine, and I’ll leave soon.” Trains were the best bet, I’d discovered, but it wasn’t going to be an easy trip and it wasn’t going to be cheap. Before I left, I also had to tie up all the loose ends here that Kilian had left behind when he’d been arrested. If he was still alive, if his death was just a cover-up, he would be back for both me and those ends so I had to proceed carefully. I looked at my water glass, trying again to figure out how I would do that, but out of the corner of my eye I caught Hazel and her mom exchanging yet another glance, this one desperate.
“I just don’t get why you want me to stay here,” I said out loud. I didn’t understand why they were so worried, either. Why couldn’t they just ignore me, like a stone in your path that you stepped over without even truly seeing that it was there? My choices and my life were as unimportant as that stone.
“We want you to stay here because we like you so much,” Hazel said, which had to have been a lie except that she was nodding and looking at me totally sincerely. “And we want to help you so, so much. You and the baby.”
“You don’t have to. You really don’t,” I told them. “I don’t need help. I’m going to leave soon but I’ll write to you. I’ll get email or something.” I threw in that last part because both of them had looked so worried.
“Remy, I had Hazel on my own,” Miss Monica said, which I knew because her daughter had explained how her shit of a father had left her mom pregnant and alone. “I had my parents then. I had friends, I had ties to the community, and it was still very, very difficult for me. Honey, I don’t mean that you can’t do it by yourself, but why would you if there’s another option open to you? The option of stayinghere,” she said with emphasis, “right here.”
“Except you can’t actually stay in this townhouse,” Hazel added. “Because your lease is up at the end of the month. You’ll have to move but not so far away.” She started listing more relatives, more people they knew, all of whom would been so happy to shelter a nearly destitute woman with health issues. Were they all crazy?
“I really don’t need anyone,” I interrupted. “That is, I don’t need a place to stay. Maybe I won’t go to Mexico, but I am leaving. Thank you,” I added, because it felt like I should say it. Obviously, both of them were making a big effort to help me, to coerce their friends and disrupt people’s lives to make that happen. But it was also more than a little insulting. I was an adult, wasn’t I? Yes, I had to remind myself. I was, and I could do this.
“I can take care of things,” I announced. “I can take care of my own problems.” I wasn’t too sure, actually, because I hadn’t been doing very well with that recently. Since Kilian’s arrest, I’d been in charge and that hadn’t been the case for four years. He’d been in control of everything and then suddenly I was, and it hadn’t been easy. For example, I’d suddenly realized that I should have gotten a bill for water service. I was pretty sure that I had to pay for water, but how? I’d had to hunt down the key that opened the mailbox at this place because I never had done that before, then I’d found the bill, then I’d had to figure out how to pay it since I didn’t have a bank account, or a credit card and…and it was all pretty hard. After not making any decisions for the last four years, not even picking my own clothes most days, I’d had to retake the mantle of responsibility.
But things would be better once I was out of this place. I just needed to go.
Hazel stood up and hugged me. “I have total faith in you,” she said solemnly. “And I’m sure that wherever you move, you’ll be just fine.”
Miss Monica didn’t seem to share that same faith, because she still looked very concerned. But she also hugged me and put her gloves back on, so at least she was leaving for today. They made plans to meet me later for dinner, I was sure to keep pushing their ideas for the future on me. I could have gotten out of it but the thought of meeting them, even if it was to be harangued even further, didn’t sound too bad. The idea of staying in my brown chair alone sounded a lot worse.
I watched them as they walked down the short path that led away from my house, their heads together and talking a mile a minute. I knew that they talked all the time and told each other almost everything. My sister and I had been like that at one point, too. I remembered lying in our bed, pulling up the blanket so we could whisper and when we had to laugh, we’d turn our faces into our pillows to muffle the sound. We’d had to do that a lot because so much had seemed so damn funny to us. I went to work and as I drove, my thoughts drifted back a lot to Lily, my sister. I tried not to let myself do it too often, but I decided that I would look her up on the computers at the library the next time I went.
Later that day, Selma, my manager at the gift shop, told me that I had a phone call.