Page 58 of The Risk Taker

“No, she didn’t say.”

“I love her, Dad.”

“I know you do,” he says with a nod.

“Do you hate me for that?”

“Son, you’ve always loved her. Everyone knew that.”

“That’s what Cole said.” I consider that a moment longer and ask a question I’m not sure I want the answer too. “Do you think…Ethan knew how I felt about her?”

He scrubs the bristles on his chin, looks off into the distance, and gives a small nod. “Yes.”

That one word, and the honesty behind it, takes the air from my lungs. I sit there, stars dancing in my brain like I’d just been body-checked against the boards. As I look at my dad, take in the lines around his eyes, think about the pain and suffering he endured at losing a son, my eyes fill with tears.

No way am I about to tell him Sara and Ethan were having an affair and the baby was his. There are some things he doesn’t need to know. Not only do I not want to hurt him, I want to protect the memory of his son. Like Cole said, I’m a protector at heart. So is Fallon.

Yeah, Fallon not telling me. I totally get it now.

“I need to make things right,” I say, fighting down the panic that I might not be able to do that. That it might be too late.

My dad stands, and I climb to my feet. As we stand eye to eye, he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Are you okay, son?”

“No, I’m not. I haven’t been okay in a long time. But I’m really hoping I will be soon.”

15

Fallon

Last night after my run-in with Sara, and the cruel thing J

amie accused me of, there was no way I could go back into my house and sleep. Not after sharing the place with Ethan, and then playing house with Jamie. With Chase asleep in the back of the SUV, I went for a drive and somehow found myself at the graveyard. A visit was something I’d been wanting to do since arriving back in Seattle. At Ethan’s resting spot, I sat there for a very long time, going over the events of the past year, and the months before his death.

Even though I’m not a religious person, I said a few prayers, for Ethan and the baby, and since holding on to old hurts is far too hard on my head, I let everything go in that instant. With tears in my eyes, I climbed back into my vehicle and drove around for a very long time, until exhaustion pulled at me and I went home, and then I tucked Chase into his bed, and I went back to the spare room that I hadn’t been sleeping in with Jamie.

I stared at the ceiling most of the night…wondering. Had Sara convinced Jamie to take him back? Had Jamie forgiven her? Her car was still in the driveway well into the wee hours of the morning when I returned home. I want Jamie to be happy, and if Sara makes him happy then so be it. Hopefully she’ll have learned from past mistakes and they can move on—much like I plan to move on.

But how can I do that without Jamie—the man I loved for as long as I can remember. I’m not sure but I’ll have to find a way. My heart squeezes in my too tight chest, and filling my lungs is much more difficult. For a time last night, I thought about running again. Going back to my mother’s in Spokane, but that’s not fair to Chase. His uncle might be angry at me, might want me out of his life for good, but I can’t imagine that would extend to Chase.

A pounding sound reverberates through my head. At first I think it’s a headache, but then I realize it’s Chase running down the hall. I kick off the blankets, and note that he’d slept in. He was probably exhausted from a long week at the beach, and broken sleep in the SUV last night.

“I’m coming, bud,” I say and look at myself in the mirror as I rise. Wow, I hope someone got the license plate of the truck that ran me over. I smooth my hand over my mess of hair but other than a bucket of makeup, there is nothing I can do about the black smudges beneath my eyes.

“I want pancakes,” Chase yells as he darts into the bathroom.

My throat tightens. Pancakes were his and Jamie’s thing.

“Okay. I’ll make them for you.”

“I want Jamie to make them,” he says.

So do I.

My heart squeezes. Chase had gotten so used to Jamie being here and then poof, he’s out of his life one morning just like that. That wasn’t fair of me. I should have been more careful.

“Not today, kiddo. But you can help me with the batter.”

He comes from the bathroom with a pout on his face. “Where’s Jamie?”