Page 18 of His Secret Santa

It must be nice, Holden thought without malice toward his friend. It must be nice to just decide who you like and date them, out in the open, without all the hate and bullshit. Holden couldn’t imagine trying to date in high school, even if there was someone in the school who liked him that way. He didn’t doubt there were other gay kids in this school, but as far as he knew, he was the only out kid. He couldn’t blame the others—if there were some—for staying hidden. Holden wished at times that he could crawl back into the closet and make everyone magically forget he was gay.

Deciding to come out was beginning to feel like the biggest mistake of his life. He’d foolishly believed his parents would support him. Looking back, he should have known better. They were old-school conservatives. He supposed he should be fortunate they didn’t kick him out and disown him—or send him to some conversion camp. They let him be gay… but didn’t hide the fact that it made them extremely uncomfortable.

It went without saying that bringing home a boyfriend would not be well received. Even having a male best friend seemed to put his parents, and now his grandparents, on edge—as if they suspected he and Jamie might actually be boyfriends and were just lying to them about being “only” friends.

What difference does it make? You don’t have a boyfriend and you’ll be moving out soon, anyway.

He and Jamie planned to share an apartment for the summer after graduation, before heading off to college in the fall. Holden couldn’t wait to get out of his parents’ house. He loved them but knew they would all feel much more at ease not sharing the same space.

• • •

Holden sat at his usual desk at the back of the classroom. The seats weren’t assigned, so he didn’t have to worry about getting placed up front. It made him anxious to have people sitting behind him, especially certain people. Some of which were in his homeroom class. McKenna and Tonya, to name a couple.

The bell rang and the two cheerleaders took their seats at the front of the class. Mr. Ryan, their homeroom teacher, waited for the echo of the bell to die out then addressed the class. He was a tall, moderately fit man in his early forties. Not overly good-looking but not ugly, either. Holden supposed that someone who had a thing for older men might find him attractive. Holden didn’t have a thing for older men.

There were exceptions to every rule, of course. The stage Santa from two years ago was probably close to thirty and, even at sixteen, Holden responded to him quite well.

Don’t think about that right now. Don’t think about any of it.

He tried not to, he really did. But he couldn’t forget the freedom he felt at the club and missed it desperately. Though he debated with Jamie about whether he would go back… deep down, he had been waiting anxiously for the last two years to get back inside that place.

“Mr. Dunkel?” the teacher spoke his name pointedly.

Holden flinched and blinked. “Huh?” He scooted up straighter in his chair as the other students snickered. Lost in thoughts of the club, he hadn’t heard a word the teacher had said. Now, all focus was on him. Anxiety twisted his guts; drawing attention to himself was the last thing he ever wanted.

“It’s your turn to come up and draw a name.”

He had hoped the teacher would walk around the room with the bowl of names, but no such luck. Each student had to go to the front of the class for the drawing.

Holden stood and tuned everyone out as he walked to Mr. Ryan’s desk. It was a short walk but felt like a mile hike. To his right, he heard the cheerleaders whispering and laughing quietly. He snatched a folded paper from the bowl and went straight back to his seat before looking at the name. When he did, his heart dropped like a lead ball into his stomach.

McKenna Peterson.

Maybe God did hate gay people… because this felt like a cruel joke.

• • •

Lincoln stood at his locker, the door open, and stared at the folded paper pinched between his fingers. Random coincidence… or fate? What were the chances of him choosing this name out of the entire senior class? It felt orchestrated by a higher power. But the only “higher power” he knew of was God. And all things considered, he doubted God would be doing him any favors.

But there it is, divine intervention or not.

“Hey!” McKenna appeared out of nowhere.

Lincoln flinched. “Shit. Don’t do that.”

“What?”

“Sneak up on me like that.”

She laughed. “I wasn’t sneaking.” She squinted. “And so, what if I was? You hiding something you don’t want me to see?” She peeked around the door of his locker teasingly. “Got pictures of another girl in there?”

Lincoln cleared his throat and smiled small. “No.”

“So, whose name did you draw?” She laughed lightly. “Who’s the lucky winner that gets you for their Secret Santa?”

Lincoln discreetly stuffed the folded paper into his pocket. “I can’t tell you. It’s secret, remember?”

“Did you… draw my name?” She was delighted at the notion.