Page 44 of His Secret Santa

“You wouldn’t lie to me?” Her voice quavered a bit.

“No, I wouldn’t.” He swallowed thickly and pushed aside his bowl. “There are going to be things that upset me, even deeply bother me at times, but it doesn’t mean I’m depressed or…” He sighed. “I would never do anything to hurt you and dad, no matter how bad I felt. I promise.”

She blinked and turned away. “I’m sorry this is so hard for us,” she whispered. “I know you wish you had better, more understanding parents.”

His eyes stinging, Holden cleared his throat. “I… I wish this wasn’t an issue between us,” he admitted. “But I don’t wish for other parents. Maybe we don’t see eye to eye, but you didn’t disown me or kick me out. A lot of parents have done that to their… gay kids.”

“We would never,” his mom whispered and faced him, tears in her eyes. “Never.”

“I know.” Holden stood and took his bowl to the sink. “I never thought you would, even before I told you.” He gripped the edge of the sink and hung his head, his throat working. “But I know I’m a disappointment to you because I’m… this way. Despite what you may think, I didn’t choose it. It’s just who I am… who I’ve always been.” He sniffed, blinking back forming tears. “I shouldn’t have told you and dad; I know that now. If you didn’t know, things would be better.” He cleared his throat and headed out of the kitchen. “I’m sorry I ruined everything.”

Holden returned to his bedroom and lay down, waiting for Jamie. Though tears seeped from his eyes, he refused to let himself break down. He’d done his share of crying right after he came out to his family and received no understanding or support. He couldn’t keep crying over “spilled milk”, it was what it was. As he’d told his mom, at least they hadn’t disowned him or kicked him to the curb to fend for himself. That was something. If he was going to cry, there was plenty of new shit to cry about.

Jamie showed up soon after Holden went to his room. By then, Holden’s tears had dried, and he lay on his back, staring at the ceiling when Jamie came into his bedroom.

“Is your mom okay?” he asked. “She seemed…” He shrugged.

“She thinks I’m depressed,” Holden mumbled. “And possibly suicidal.”

“What?” Jamie sat on the end of his bed and frowned. “That’s crazy… right? I mean, you’re not…”

“No, I’m not.” Holden exhaled and sat forward. “I told her that. I hope she believes me.”

“Let’s hope so.” Jamie stood and wandered around the room. “I’m sorry about what happened last night, at the party. That was such bullshit.”

Holden nodded, then noticed Jamie’s bruised knuckles. “What happened to your hand?”

Jamie smiled and shrugged. “I punched a douchebag.”

“What?” Holden frowned. “Are you serious? You hit someone? Who? Why?”

“Because.” Jamie returned to the bed and sat down. “I was sick of assholes getting away with bullshit. You didn’t deserve what they did to you. And then they act like it was just some fucking joke that you overreacted to? Fuck them.”

Holden tensed. “Who did you hit?” There were no marks on Jamie. Holden couldn’t imagine his target hadn’t struck back, yet he looked untouched.

“Mr. Hotshot himself.”

Holden swallowed, his pulse quickening. “You… you punched Lincoln?”

“Damn straight, baby.”

“Why… why him? He wasn’t the one who did that to me.”

“It was his party. I find it hard to believe he didn’t have a hand in it.”

At this point, Holden almost wished he could incriminate Lincoln. But Holden was there, and Lincoln wasn’t part of the cruel joke. Not this one, anyway.

“He didn’t,” Holden mumbled. “I’m not trying to defend him, I’m just saying… he didn’t know what they were going to do. And he was pretty pissed about it.” Not for the right reasons, but still pissed.

“Oh well,” Jamie said. “He still deserved it for the way he talked to you in the parking lot the other day.”

Holden agreed he did deserve it—but for reasons much more serious than that.

“But… he was pissed at his friends for what they did to you?” Jamie frowned.

“I don’t think it was so much about what they did to me,” Holden said quietly, “but how it might affect his reputation.”

“What do you mean?”