Page 111 of Guarded Deputy

Nate: Hey, sorry about earlier.

That’s it? I put the phone down and slam on my brakes right on time to prevent an accident. The car honks at me, and I lift my hand in apology.

“I know. I know. I should pay attention. Got it, dude.” I roll my eyes sarcastically and focus on the road and traffic around me. It’ll give me time to respond to his message with something other than, It’s okay.

When I get home, I grab my phone and stare at the message, fingers hovering over the screen. I take a deep breath and lean back on the couch.

Me: Hey, I accept your apology.

That sounds so formal. Oh, well. I’m uninspired.

Nate: My mind’s a mess.

Me: Why? I know you said it’s not about us but you’ve put a ton of space between us so I can’t help but wonder if you’re telling the truth.

I hold my breath as I wait for his response. My hands tremble, and my legs bounce.

Nate: No, Murphy. I have no doubt about us.

Me: Then talk to me, Nate. I’m breaking over here.

Nate: Don’t say that.

Me: I feel like I lost you.

Nate: You haven’t. Can we talk tomorrow after work?

Me: Yea

Nate: Thanks

Me: You’re welcome.

I drop my phone on the couch next to me and close my eyes, letting the tears build since I don’t have an audience. They sneak through the corner of my eyes, trailing down my cheeks. My lip trembles, and I cry for the first time since Nate gave me the cold shoulder. I didn’t allow myself to be weak last night, but the pressure is too much today.

I rub my chest with the heel of my hand and take a deep breath to calm my galloping heart that pounds against the base of my throat.

I lie down on the couch in fetal position, hugging a cushion and burying my face into it. Tears stain the fabric, and my body shakes with my cries. Letting it out is therapeutic.

Losing track of time, I finally sit up when my tears have dried up and take a shower. Looking around my bathtub, memories of Nate and I in here hit me like a wave of longing, and I lean my head back to let the shower wash away my sadness.

It’s a good sign that he wants to talk tomorrow. Maybe we can clear the air, and I’ll know what’s going on so I can help him. I feel ridiculous being this sad, and it only angers me more at myself.

It’s a cycle of feeling guilty and hurt.

The shower helps soothe me, and I reach for my phone, ordering a pizza. I want to eat my feelings today, and pepperoni pizza with extra cheese is the way to go. While I wait for the pizza to arrive, I turn onGilmore Girlsre-runs and smile at Lorelai’s antics.

Sometimes I wish life was like the movies, and there was an obvious slope that builds the story, leads to a climax that drops where we know will have a clean resolution. Instead, it’s messy and real. It can’t be tied together with a pretty bow.

Humans are complicated, our pasts intricate and webbed. We drag issues that mold us, change us, and make us react.

Nate’s life hasn’t been easy from what he’s told me, but I hoped that I could be a shimmer of light in his life.

Maybe I still can.

Chapter 31

Nate