Page 104 of Craving Paradise
And I hate that it can’t be me.
Lauren
xoxo
Fuck.
It can be you, Lauren. That’s the point. All you have to do is say yes. Choose me not her. I want you to be the woman who wakes up beside me for the rest of my life. I want you, no one else.
No this can’t be the end.
I’m ready for her. I’m ready for this. I want us to be together. I just don’t want her fucking other men. Why is that so bad?
I pick up my phone and call her. I know she’s not going to answer, but I try.
It rings out.
Jasper:These bags were for you. I don’t want them back.
Lauren:Give them to your sister.
Jasper:Please, can we talk?
Lauren:I think it’s best we have a clean break.
Jasper:I don’t want a break, Lauren. Please. Just see me one time. We can talk about it, and then I’ll leave you alone.
Lauren:I can’t.
Jasper:Why?
Lauren:I don’t trust myself.
Jasper:All the more reason we need to see each other. Please, Lauren.
Lauren:Don’t make me choose because I won’t.
Jasper:Even if Elle chooses Ali?
Silence falls between us, and Lauren never messages back. I know she knows what’s going on between Ali and Elle. My friend can hide it, but I know he’s been hanging out with her most weekends at the markets helping her with her little cupcake stall. He can deny it all he wants, but I’ve seen him there with my own eyes. I stumbled upon the markets when my mother was in town, and she wanted to check them out. We walked around, and I saw him there helping her. They looked happy, and I knew my friend was falling for this woman.
I never approached them at the markets. I didn’t want to call him out like that, but I knew when he would give me bullshit excuses for the reasons why we couldn’t catch up on Sundays was because of her. Wish Lauren would see that her friend is giving in to her feelings toward Alistair so why can’t she give into ours? As much as I admire her loyalty to her friend, it’s incredibly angering that I’m prepared to risk it all on love, but she isn’t, especially when Lauren knows my past.
I can’t give up.
Won’t give up.
* * *
I tried. I really did. I sent flowers with love notes. I sent back the bags and sent her new ones. I tried every ploy in the book to get her to talk to me, but nothing worked. She even blocked me at The Paradise Club and all her friends like Elle and Vixen. I tried booking other women to see if they would help me find Ren, but it didn’t work. I walked out of the club and never returned. Every part of that place reminds me of Lauren, and nothing there brings me joy anymore—not like I have tried. I couldn’t. I can’t be with another woman when all I can think about is her. My dick won’t work, it’s broken. Even my hand doesn’t satisfy it.
My heartbreak this time sees me staying in and watching football most weekends. The boys try and get me to go out, and I do, putting on a fake smile and pretending I’m fine, but I’m never interested in picking up. I don’t feel the need to go out and fuck a million and one random strangers like I did when Hazel broke my heart.
In a moment of pettiness, I thought about getting Lauren fired, but I know if that happened, she would never forgive me, and there wouldn’t be any second chances. Not sure if there’s a second chance for me now.
What’s even more annoying is that Alistair and Elle are going on a date together—she has agreed to dating him—and he couldn’t be happier about it.Fucking hate him.He’s even okay with her still working at the club while they date. The guy is so fucking lovestruck about this woman that he’ll take whatever scrap she will throw his way. Don’t think I haven’t thought the same thing, but I can’t do it. No matter how much I try, I’m not okay with sharing Lauren with people at the club.
They have their date tonight, and I honestly hope he and Elle fall in love because maybe then there’s a chance she will quit The Paradise Club. If she does, then Lauren and I can have a chance.