Page 6 of Bookworm
Ann is a natural. Most folks pull too hard on the reins, but she holds them loose and lets Lightning do the work.
“You’re staring! Am I doing something wrong?”
“Quite the opposite,” I say, leading the way down into the open pasture. “I figure we’ll trot down there and have a snack by the river while the horses get a drink of water. Unless the cold is too much for ya?”
She shakes her head and glances toward me quickly before looking out at the pasture again. “I’m good. It does look like it’s going to snow again, though. I’m not sure how much more we can handle. I think the roads were just cleared from the last storm a few hours ago.”
“Isn’t that the truth? When it stays bad like this, you struggle to keep up. The second you finish checking all the batteries on the farm and making sure they’re all turning over, you start worrying about the snow that’s accumulating on the roof. There’s no shortage of work when the weather cooperates. When it doesn’t, mother nature makes sure you give her all you’ve got each day before you go to bed. The good thing is I have a couple of horses going out this week that have been a handful and that will free up some time. How’s Dad doing this morning?”
“Dad?You didn’t call him old man, or Earl. Last night must have been the bonding conversation you both needed.”
“It wasn’t. I don’t know how you stand him.”
“He’s kind. He talked about you again this morning, actually. I think he wanted me to come out and keep you company. He worries about you working all these long hours.”
“Well, he had ten people working the ranch with him. I take care of everything myself.” I tilt my head back and forth. “Granted, I occasionally get a cowboy or two from up at the Waylon Family Ranch. Have you been up there? The place is insane.”
She shakes her head. “I hear a lot of folks talking about it now that the rodeo is in town, but I’ve never been up there.”
“I’ll have to take you over there one day. It’s massive, just under two thousand acres. If you appreciate open land, you can’t miss some of the views he has.”
“You’ve got some pretty great views right here. Have you been out at this ranch your whole life?”
I nod. “Born and raised. Rode the rodeo whenever it came to town. Waylon asked if I’d be interested in riding again. I guess I’d be filling in for a guy who’s out with an injury. That’s why Dakota stopped by. She brought all the disclaimers to sign.”
“That sounds dangerous. My granny was rodeo queen, two years running back in the fifties. She still talks about all the injuries people had riding.”
I reach out for Ann and run my hand down over her curved frame as she swings her long leg over Lightning and hops to the ground. “Dad got himself into some heavy debt back when he was running the ranch. I’ve been struggling to keep things afloat since I took over. Waylon’s offering to pay me top dollar to ride for him. Enough that I could pay off the rest of the debt in three months of riding. If it weren’t for this old body, I’d jump right back up there. But damn,” I laugh, “I’m old. My body doesn’t recover the same.”
We crunch in the snow toward the edge of the river where there’s an old picnic table set out in the sun.
“You shouldn’t mess with your body. What would happen if you ended up getting hurt? You’d have to hire people to take on work and then you’d be even further behind the eight ball. Besides, I’m not sure how I’d care for two stubborn men.” She smiles.
“So, you’d take care of me, too? I’m not sure that’s in your job description.” A breeze blows between us as we stand at the edge of the river, face to face. The horses are a hundred feet away drinking and for all intents and purposes, we’re alone. I can’t remember the last time I was alone with a woman like this. Maybe a decade ago, probably longer. Before the ranch, I was focused on the rodeo. And I’m not so sure I can say I’ve ever been alone with a woman who said she’d take care of me if I were hurt.
“Of course, I’d take care of you too,” she nudges my shoulder playfully, “but I hope it doesn’t come to that.” She smiles and looks down at the river, pushing back her long locks before glancing up toward me again. “What happened between you and your dad, anyway? If you don’t mind me asking.”
I suck in a deep breath and blow it out hard as I stare toward the river. “How long do you have? The man is a narcissist to say the least. I know he seems all sweet and kind now, but he cheated on my mom every chance he got, spent money he didn’t have, and couldn’t find the time of day to spend with my brother and I when we were young. Now, he’s all old and pathetic and he wants sympathy, but I don’t have any for him. Ya know what I mean?”
“That must have been rough for you all.”
“I managed, but my brother and mom weren’t so lucky. My brother left for the military the second he got old enough. He had a lot of anger to work out. He lives in Ohio now outside the Air Force base. He’s got his life turned around, even has a couple kids.” I chuckle a little under my breath. “Since he left, he’s never looked back. I guess it’s just easier for him. He knows I love him, but that’s enough. Every time we talk, I know he comes right back to his time on this ranch, and it pains him all over again.”
“You said something about your mom. I’ve been too anxious to ask where she was.” Ann shifts her gait as though she’s afraid she’s pushed too far.
“Mom passed away a few years back. She was old school. No matter what Dad did, he was her husband, and she forgave him.” I shake my head. “I struggled with it for years, but she would always smile and tell me she knew what she was doing.” I catch myself laughing. “That was my mom. She loved with her whole heart. It never mattered to her if the other person deserved it or not.”
As we stand in the cold breeze, I can’t help but feel I’ve overshared. She asked me if I got along with my dad as some sort of positive, and then I dragged her through our family drama. Nice going, Holt.
Ann gives me the warmest smile. “She sounds lovely. There are worse things in this world than being too kind or forgiving.” She brushes a strand of hair behind her ear. “I can relate to your story. My dad left when I was young. He didn’t do anything wrong. He just left my mom to do everything that wasn’t children.” She laughs. “Until he met another woman and then, poof, just like magic, he had all the desire in the world to raise a whole litter. I’m not sure I’d be the same forgiving saint as your mom if he tried to come back into my life after all these years. It would feel like a betrayal to my mother. She’s been gone so many years now. I couldn’t do it.” There’s pain behind her eyes when she talks, and a need passes through me. It’s carnal and savage, like nothing I’ve ever experienced before in my life. I hate that anyone has hurt Ann, and every part of my body aches to protect her.
“Where is he now?” My tone is deep and suspended.
She shrugs. “No clue. He tried getting in touch a few years back with this weird Christmas card. He signed it with love from his new family.” She shakes her head. “I have no idea what that was about, but I didn’t respond. Maybe he wanted to rub it in my face that he was happy with his new children. I don’t know. It’s strange to think I have half siblings I’ve never met, though. I mean, my mom never had more kids so my father’s children would be the only family I have left outside of Granny.”
Shit.
How do I make all this better for her? How do I make up for years of heartbreak and childhood pain? How do I tell her that I want to keep her safe and somehow also do the dirtiest, filthiest things to her? How do I get a grip before I make a fucking idiot of myself? I’m a sick man. She’stwenty-four years old. I’m forty-five. I shouldn’t want to touch her the way I do. I shouldn’t want to hold her and care for her the way I do. I should be able to control myself.