Page 69 of And Then There's You
As he goes to pull away, I reach up and grab his wrist, tilting my head back enough until our eyes lock again. At least in this moment, I know we want the same thing, but I’m not sure who will cave first. The way his eyes share a look of fear and desire, I know he’s conflicted on what I want, and questioning if he should keep respecting the boundaries I’ve given him.
I lean into his palm that’s still caressing my face, closing my eyes and taking a breath. When I open them again, Mack is still there, frozen, studying my face. “I should go,” he whispers, but his body language doesn’t say the same.
“Wait.”
The look in his eyes is a clash of hopefulness and caution. I’m nervous to tell him something he doesn’t want to hear, but I’m confident I can ease his worries a little. A new sureness has washed over me since I walked into our apartment tonight. I know I never stopped loving him, and I also know I’m not upset with him anymore.
“Also…I want you to know I forgive you. I don’t want to hold anything that’s happened over you–or us–anymore.”
If it was possible to see pieces of a broken heart fuse back together, I just witnessed it.
I don’t know what will happen in the next two months–how that will change our relationship dynamic, or how it will change me–but right now I know I want to be with him. “Maybe you could stay with me?”
“For tonight? Or forever?” His question is laced with a little sadness.
Seeing my hesitation, and knowing forgiveness was a step in the right direction on its own, he adds, “It’s okay, you don’t have to answer that.” Before I can say anything, his lips press into mine. I sigh into our kiss, and a wave of relief rushes through me. His hand slides back, weaving his fingers into my hair as he deepens our kiss. In one smooth movement, he’s off his knees, pressing me back into the mattress and moving until he’s hovering over me. His other hand runs up the side of my neck, as mine finds his hips. He’s kissing me as if intensity alone will be enough to make me choose forever.
My hands slide up his sides and down his back before pulling him closer. He relaxes into me with my gesture. Without breaking our kiss, he rolls on his side, turning me with him. His hand slides under my shirt, flat against my stomach, moving up until it’s stopped by my breast. Realizing I’m not wearing a bra, he groans into my mouth. I can’t help but smile into our kiss at how turned on he gets around me, more evident by the twitch I feel against my leg.
He slides his hand up further, catching on my shirt and pulling it over my head gently before returning his touch to me. His tongue tangles with mine as he closes the gap between us, his hand massaging my breast. The sensation from our skin touching like this and being closer to him than I have in months overwhelms me with desire. I’m already wet as I roll my hips into him. I hook my finger into both the edge of his pajamas and his briefs and tug down on them enough to free his erection. He helps me kick them off, still not breaking our kiss, as if he’s afraid it’ll snap me back to our reality if he does.
I somehow manage to get my underwear off despite his need to keep me close to him, but I only do it because I need to be closer. The moment the lace is around my ankle, Mack pushes me back onto the bed, hovering over me again. His eyes flash to mine, searching them for confirmation. As soon as my fingers thread through the back of his hair, pulling on his neck, trying to bring him closer, he grants my wish. He pushes into me, desperately, like someone gasping for air.
All of a sudden he nearly stills. His urgency from a moment ago slows, as he moves in and out of me at a torturously slow pace. Each time he pulls back I crave the satisfaction that consumes me when he pushes back in and fills me. I want more while simultaneously feeling like it’s enough. It’s like he's savoring this, unsure if it'll be the last time, and I don’t want to rush him because I’m not sure either.
He peppers kisses down my neck, and he continues to press into me, my hips rolling into his at the perfect time with each thrust. My orgasm builds inside me, my stomach tightening as heat floods my body. The second it rips through me, Mack moans into my neck, and I know falling over my edge pushed him to his. He continues to pump into me, slightly faster than before as he rides us through our climax.
He stills on top of me, leaning into his arm, but doesn’t pull back. Instead, his eyes lock onto mine and stay that way until our heart rate and breathing calms. Only then does he brush the sweat soaked hair away from my face, gives me half a smile and places one more soft kiss on my lips. “Are you okay?” His voice is nervous and quiet, his confidence has slipped so much since we broke up, and I hate myself a little for that.
“Yeah…that was…it feels right when we are together,” I say shyly, looking away from him like I’m embarrassed I’ve been trying to avoid it. Maybe I am a little bit. We are only partially on the same page.
“We are right together, Mace.”
I know he wants us to be together again. I know I need some time for myself before that happens. The disconnect makes my chest tight. “It’s not that I don’t believe that…it’s just…I don’t think it’s our time yet.”
“When will it be ‘our time?’” he asks with patience in his voice, although I can sense the invisible wall he’s building back up around his heart.
“I’m not sure. Ugh. Maybe we shouldn’t have done that.” I sigh.
“Baby, please don’t do that. I will never regret any time I get to spend with you.” He rubs his thumb across my cheek. His ability to remain calm in this moment makes me certain his lapse of judgment with the drugs isn’t a habit I should be worried about.
My voice comes out soft, my tears barely holding back. “I don’t want to give you the wrong idea.” Before he gets a completely wrong idea, I spit out the rest of my thoughts. “I love you, Mack. I do. I never stopped loving you. I want to be with you. But there are some things I need to figure out on my own first. I need my life to make a little more sense before I can give you and our relationship the attention it deserves.”
“I want to help you with that,” he pleads.
I sigh. “I know, but this is something I need to do on my own. Please understand that.”
“You know I will give you whatever you need now, and I’ll be here when you’re ready.”
I pause before I commit to the next words. “I’ll be gone for months. I don’t want you to stop living your life while I’m away. I want you to be happy.”
It takes him a moment to register what I’m implying. Instead of responding, he just pulls me into him, his sweet cinnamon scent calming my nerves and lulling me into a few hours of sleep.
I’m standing on the curb in the departures drop off area, teetering back and forth on my feet with my thumbs looped through my backpack straps as Mack shuts his passenger door behind me. When he turns to me, I try to reassure him the best I can, reiterating what I told him last night.
“Our time will come, Mack. I want it to. It just can’t be right now. I need to get on this plane. And while I’m gone I have to be focused on me, on finding my purpose in life and making the difference that I want to. If we try this again right now, I know I won’t be all in, and you deserve more than that. I know that’s not fair to you to still not commit, but it’s all I can offer you right now.”
He sighs like he understands what I’m saying but runs his fingers through his hair like it’ll somehow dissolve the sadness he also feels. He pulls me into his chest before whispering into my ear. “I really hope you have the best time. I’m going to miss you so much.”