Page 92 of And Then There's You

Itakeahotshower and change before walking to Brooke’s. I grab my phone off the charger to let her know I’m on my way. My heart skips at the name attached to my newest notification.

Dean:Raul from our taco place asked about you today. He said he missed seeing you every night.

Maci:We really ate there a lot, didn’t we? I miss those tacos.

Dean:I miss you.

Maci:I miss you too.

Dean:It’s not like the first time. It sucked when I left you, but I pushed it out of my mind. I thought I could do that again this time. But how much I miss you now, I can’t figure out how I did it before.

Maci:Things were different this time. You were more open with me, I was more confident with you. We were in a beautiful place without any distractions of life. It's like when I got to Thailand yesterday, I discovered this hole in the wall that took me forever to find. The food was amazing, but I also wondered if it would have seemed as good if I didn’t compare the magic of it to the hard journey it took to get there. I wanted things to work out with us for so long, part of me wonders if we just got swept up in the romance of that and of Costa Rica and if our relationship would be different if we were in the real world.

Dean:The REAL WORLD?! Seriously, Maci? What do you think that even means? Were you not there with me? YOU are real to me. And this thing between us feels pretty damn real too. How can you not see that?

Maci:It’s just different, Dean. I'm not sure love should be the only driving force in life. Like eventually I have to get a job and not live in a fairy tale.

Dean:The real world is whatever you make it. Me being here for the past year proves life can be what you want it to be. If ours looks like a fairy tale, then shouldn’t we just appreciate that?

Maci:Do you think we could keep up the way we were living?

Dean:I do. I’ve been looking for remote jobs that would be perfect for you. We could go wherever we wanted. I can’t think of a better dream. Can you?

Maci:So many people never get to live their big dreams. What makes us special? What makes us the exception?

Dean:We have each other. Anything is possible as long as that’s true. I can feel in my bones the impact you’re going to make on the world. I want to be there to see it, and I know I can help you make your dreams come true.

Maci:I’m sorry, Dean. I promise I want to finish this conversation, but I have to go. My new friend is waiting for me. Text me later, okay?

When I get to Brooke’s cute one bedroom apartment, she wastes no time wanting to hear the details of my dilemma. I can’t put a finger on why, but telling a total stranger all my personal thoughts sounds like a good idea. Maybe an outside perspective is exactly what I need.

I share with her the short version of the past year and a half, the visions I shared with Avery, along with my jumble of thoughts from the past week and my recent conversations with both Mack and Dean. She listens intently the entire time without saying anything, waiting until she’s sure I’m finished.

“I wouldn’t say I’m qualified to give advice by any means. I’m far from perfect and have made more than my fair share of mistakes.” She doesn’t elaborate. “But here’s what I do know. When you choose the right path, it’s kind of like my restaurant. It’s a slice of heaven amongst the chaos. Right?” I nod. “Still doesn’t mean there aren’t people who focus on what's wrong with it. The location is terrible, a few dishes on the menu could be better, the chef is a little grumpy, and we are closed three days a week. But focusing on the negatives is a choice. Discounting the beauty in something because of details that throw you off a little is not a productive way to go through life. Nothing in the world is ever going to be perfect in every way. It’s not possible. Whether you choose Dean or Mack, something will inevitably happen that’s less than ideal. I think it’s a matter of finding a balance between appreciating the magic in something you love, while tying yourself to the reality that you might not always see it, and that’s okay.”

“Wow, that makes a lot of sense. I think I’ve been expecting the answer to be so complicated that I’m overlooking how much of it is simply choosing a perspective.”

“I vote you just make a decision and then promise yourself you won’t look back. Speaking from experience, it’s hard–like really hard–to never wonder “what if.” All you can do is know there’s a reason you made the choice you did, and accept it isn’t fair to keep someone else from living their life because you aren’t confident how or if you fit into it. Your perspective is what makes your choice right.”

“I think you’re right.” I’m determined to make a decision and lean all the way into it when I do.

“I can’t say I wish I was in your shoes, that’s for sure.” She laughs. “But I believe in your ability to figure this out.”

“Thanks. It helps just talking through it. Now, tell me all about you and how the hell you ended up here.”

CHAPTER EIGHTY

Dean:Good morning, Maci. I just wanted to check in with you because you seemed a little conflicted last night. I thought I’d share what I was thinking, so there isn’t any added confusion coming from my end. The first time it was my choice to leave, and I know that’s on me. I hate thinking about how things could have been different if I didn’t make that decision. I didn’t fight for you and give into how I felt then. If I haven’t been clear enough, I’m doing that now. I’m sorry it took me so long to know I needed you in my life. I was scared before, I wasn’t who I needed to be to commit to you. I knew the second you showed up on my beach I wasn’t conflicted anymore. I know you’re worried things might be different if we try a real relationship somewhere else, but there’s a reason you found me thousands of miles away. There’s no way we can chalk that up to coincidence. This past month and a half has been hard without you, and I don’t want to live the rest of our lives this way. I want to make this work. What do you want?

In all my back and forth between the two of them, there’s one glaring difference I noted last night when Brooke was asking me questions about my story, something I didn’t realize bothered me until then. It’s a variable that matters when it comes to choosing my path.

Maci:I want to know you can keep showing me this side of you when we are outside of our own bubble. I want you to be able to tell me you love me when you know I’m awake.

Dean:Every side of me belongs to you, wherever we are. I'll show you I'm the right man for you and tell you how much I love you every damn day. Let me.

CHAPTER EIGHTY-ONE

Ispentfivemoreweeks in Thailand before I left. After a few weeks on my own, I stayed with Brooke for a week, and then I met up with my parents in Bangkok for a couple weeks. It was exciting to see them after so long, and I couldn’t think of a better way to end my trip.