Page 38 of Just Our Secret

I wasn’t sure how well that fit for this current situation, but it had been Wade who’d spoken those words to me in the past. It was right after I’d brought Liam home from the hospital and he and Connor were at our house meeting him for the first time. Connor had stepped out to help my mom with something, and little Liam was on my lap, sleeping peacefully. I’d been staring down at him, marveling at how perfect he was, and I looked up to find Wade sitting there watching me.

“You got this, Andi,” Wade had told me in a quiet voice from the other side of the couch.

“I’m not sure if I do,” I’d admitted. “He’s had such a rough start. Or came out of a rough thing, you know?”

“Yeah, but maybe there has to be a little bit of bad stuff for us to really appreciate the good stuff. This will be good. You’ll be good.”

Wade must have realized I was talking about when he’d said those words to me because his smile grew warm as he lowered his head and kissed me. “Sounds like a smart guy, whoever that was.”

“Super smart. And now he needs to take his own advice.”

“He’ll try. But for now, he’s going to stop talking about himself in the damn third person and say good night.”

I laughed and walked him to the door, catching myself before I told him I loved him. It was crazy how it had almost slipped out so easily. But that was a conversation that would be better had when things weren’t so dark.

“Be safe,” I said instead.

“Always.”

TWENTY

WADE

The drive into work moved in slow motion, though the firehouse was only about eight minutes from Andi’s. Memories of the evening filtered through my mind—Liam wondering why I’d come without Connor, his eyes blinking slowly and then falling shut in Andi’s lap, the way she hugged me with her whole body, every part of her curving around me to offer comfort.

I loved her. I loved them both to the point of aching, and yet right now, I could hardly enjoy the time with them. Connor’s deafening silence had hollowed me out.

I wanted to be nothing but happy. No more lies, and aside from Connor, our families were mostly supportive. Of course, each of them had concerns, but they were rooted in love and care for us, not criticism or believing the worst of me.

What killed me more than anything was that Connor hadn’t talked to Andi and hadn’t seen Liam. There’d been times when they’d been apart like this, but not since Andi had started at Grand U months ago. It pissed me right the hell off that Connor had gotten so up in his feelings he couldn’t show up for Liam.

Pulling into my spot at the station, I turned off the car and tried to calm my mind. I didn’t need to be showing up to work distracted. Chances were, I’d sit around all night—get a workout in, do some homework, do our regular checks, and so on. The graveyard shift hadn’t been too grueling thus far, though I’d only done three shifts so far. I hated not spending the night with Andi, especially now that I’d had the true pleasure of doing so more than once, but I’d signed on for this schedule weeks ago.

Part of me hoped maybe Connor would remember I was going to be gone and would sleep at home. That maybe I’d stumble in after a shift and find him in his bed or even heading out to the gym. Or, short of that, just see that he’d been into the place.

I’d stayed in Oakdale for the full holiday weekend, then drove Andi and Liam back home on Sunday. When I went to my place, I’d foolishly hoped Connor would be there waiting, ready to talk it out. Ready to punch me in the face again—whatever. But no. And aside from his gym bag being gone, nothing else looked different.

He hadn’t moved out completely yet, at least, though I suspected that was only due to logistics.

My watch beeped on the hour and stirred me out of my little pity party of thoughts. I exhaled a breath I could see, surprised at how cold it’d gotten inside my car after just a few minutes without running the heater. December had shown up with chilly temps but no storm fronts to bring snow and low humidity. Not great news for fires, especially after the usual drought-ridden summer, but so far, we hadn’t had too many issues. Plus, the fires in the mountains weren’t something they called us in for. We were more likely to get called for a grease fire in someone’s apartment that got out of control.

Pushing out of my car, I resolved to stop bemoaning how things were going. I’d known Connor would take all of this hard, and there was nothing I could do about it now beyond accepting it and hoping he’d come around. I didn’t want to waste my time with Andi and Liam by feeling Connor’s absence like a phantom limb. If Andi and I were really going to make a life together, then Connor wouldn’t be there all the time anyway.

I didn’t know if it would be days, months, or years before Connor came around, but I hoped for his sake that he did. If he chose to freeze me out because of this, he’d be hurting more than just me and him. He’d be hurting Andi, Liam, and his whole family.

I could only control me. I couldn’t make Connor believe me. But I could be the person I’d always been. I could treat Andi and Liam right, love them well, and make the life with them I’d always dreamed of, if they’d have me.

Nodding hello to several of my work buddies, I plodded down the hall to drop my stuff. As I sorted through and got organized, I resolved to stop wallowing. I hadn’t thought of it that way until now, but that was what I’d been doing.

I’d gotten to spend three nights with Andi, savoring her body and then holding her close to sleep after. I’d waited what felt like my whole damned life for that, and here I was feeling sorry for myself because my best friend was mad at me. Seriously?

What a fucking idiot.

I swiped to my messages and sent Andi a text.Thanks for tonight, and for being amazing. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow.And I wouldn’t wait any longer. Tomorrow I’d tell her I loved her. I’d let her know that she was it for me, and whatever happened with Connor, I wanted her. I wanted us.

Then I tapped Connor’s name and saw the line of texts from me, each one some version of,Let’s talk about this.Not real eloquent, but I hadn’t known what else to say.

Except tonight, I did. I fired it off after tapping away for a minute to write out the longest text I’d probably ever composed. The messagewhooshedaway, sending Connor my thoughts.