Page 150 of Infernium
“I didn’t want to fall in love with this baby as much as I did. And I hate myself for that, too.” Voice thick with tears, I closed my eyes to a visual of first holding him in my arms, feeling the weight of a tiny bundle against me. “I am a coveter of pain, who loves most when something is taken away. My mother. My father. You. And now the baby.”
“Perhaps it isn’t that you love most when it’s gone, but that you recognize it was love all along.”
“Even if I didn’t want it in the beginning?”
“The world has taken too much from you, Farryn. In an effort to avoid the pain, you convince yourself that you don’t want, or need, love. The human heart is nothing short of tenacious in the way it protects its most vulnerable parts. It will literally starve itself of the very thing it craves most, to the point of decay.”
It was true, every word.
For too many years of my life, I avoided the inevitable pain that came with love, and in turn, I invited a new kind of suffering. The emptiness of a lonely heart. I’d become addicted to the aftermath of love’s torment, its darker half, poking needles into hollow and unhealed wounds to remind myself that misery could be eternal. Because my ascetic-loving heart believed the chronic ache of isolation was far better than the stab of loss.
“I am capable. I do love.”
“Of course you do. Humans have an innate masochistic pleasure in pain. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t dare to love at all. And what hell that would be.”
His comment brought to mind a new torment. “Hell is coming for me now, isn’t it?” I didn’t want to ask the question aloud, for fear the demons would hear me, but it was inevitable. As strong and determined as Jericho was, I didn’t even know if he could stop what was coming for me. “Now that the baby is gone, I’m going to owe my soul.”
“You’re not going anywhere. Not without me and not without war against my father. Don’t even think about that right now. You’ve got enough on your plate.”
“How did you do it? How did you survive Bishop Venable and your father? Their torment all those years?”
He looked thoughtful for a moment. “I learned to embrace the pain.”
“Weren’t you terrified of your fate? How far they’d take it?”
“I’d be lying if I said no. But when you force yourself to face what you fear most, you become impervious to its pain. Inviolable.” On a slow blink, he seemed to snap out of his thoughts. “But I don’t want you consuming yourself with those thoughts. Should my father so much as touch you, I will make him suffer an agony worse than hellsfire.”
“Won’t they send the fire demons after me, like they did my father?”
“I’m going to see if I can strike a deal with the Noxerians. I’ll barter your soul for something they may find more valuable.”
On a shock of distress, I turned over to face him. “Promise me you won’t hand yourself over. Promise me now.”
When he didn’t answer at first, I gripped his bicep, digging my nails into him. “Promise, Jericho! Losing you will be worse than any hell I stand to face.”
“I promise. I’ll think of something. For now, I want you to relax and rest. And if you need anything, Vespyr is chomping at the bit to do something for you.” He stroked a finger down my temple and pushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “I’m going to have to leave for a couple of days, to travel to Ariochbury. That’s where the Noxerians’ fortress stands.”
“And you swear you will return. You won’t barter yourself?”
His brow flickered, as if he didn’t want to answer. “I swear it.”
Though not entirely at ease, I let out a calmer breath. “A fortress, you say?”
“It was an elaborate castle they had constructed centuries ago, to defend themselves against attack.”
“In Nightshade?”
“Yes, though they have ties to the Infernal Lands. Nightshade is neutral ground for negotiation with the heavens, which was how they came to be.”
It was strange, there was so much history in Nightshade that we didn’t even know about in the earthly realm.
“How did you become a Knight?” I asked, desperate for distraction. I needed it. I needed to push away every soul-crushing thought, because things were about to get worse, and I couldn’t afford to slip into the quicksand of emotions that threatened to pull me under.
“Is now the right time for stories?”
“Yes. It’s the perfect time. Tell me.”
A quiet pause lingered heavy on the air before he continued. “Very well. When I arrived in Nightshade, Eradye had gained a significant foothold here, led by my father, of course. The Knights kidnapped me, thinking I could be made a pawn against him. They didn’t anticipate how much of a bastard he was, or how willing I was to see him fail.” He entwined his fingers in mine and lifted my hand for a kiss. “Once I understood their reasoning behind my capture, I was all too willing to fight alongside them. With significant success in conquering the creatures that inhabited the realm, the Noxerians created a treaty with my father, which confined him to the Obsidian Mountain.”