Page 88 of Let Me Love You
Please don’t hate me.
I squeeze my eyes shut, fatigue creeping over me all over again, despite having recently rolled out of bed. But this kind of stress? This kind of duress? It doesn’t go away with sleep. It sinks deeper, leaving me bone tired no matter what I do.
And I’m so. Damn. Tired.
My body feels heavy as I brush my teeth with my baby blue toothbrush. Colt bought it for me when I moved in. It was such a little thing. A freaking toothbrush. But Colt excels at the little things. My favorite flavor of ice cream. My favorite movie. My favorite blanket. My favorite T-shirt, which happens to belong to him. Or at least, it used to. I stole it. But I still catch him wearing it sometimes to mark it with his familiar scent again. I smile, and the reminder of exactly what I’m fighting for gives me strength.
I spit the toothpaste into the sink, rinsing my toothbrush under the cold water. The white foam swirls down the drain, mixing with the water from the faucet and disappearing completely.
I hate how selfish I feel for not bowing out. For choosing to stay. But I don’t regret it. I refuse to, no matter how guilty it makes me feel.
My face is hot when I touch my cheeks and let out a slow breath.
Please don’t hate me, Eleanor.Please don’t make Colt’s life a living hell because I’m sticking around.
Please. Please. Please.
* * *
The door openswith a soft click, followed by footsteps as I lounge in bed, attempting to play a game on my phone. I’ve been too distracted to be successful.
“Hey, Sunshine,” Colt murmurs when he reaches the bedroom doorway.
I set the phone on my chest, giving Colt my full attention. “How’d it go?”
“Ali called Ellie while we were out. Apparently, she has the results.”
My fingers touch my lips as I’m caught between excitement and absolute dread. “And?”
“I dunno yet.”
My eyes widen in surprise. “What?”
“I told them I didn’t want to find out the results without you.”
“Colt.” I shake my head, caught between exasperation and amusement over his stubbornness at a time like this. “Aren’t you dying to know?”
“I am, but not without you.” He strides toward the bed and sits down beside me. “I told Ellie you’re not going anywhere. You’re going to be in Jaxon’s life.”
“And?”
“And she asked if I wanted to give our relationship another try first. Just in case.”
A tremor of dread rolls through me, but it’s followed by full-blown disbelief. Is he serious? “Oh.” I hesitate. “Wow.” A sharp pain spreads through my chest, confirming my greatest fear. “Uh, I did not see that one coming—”
“I told her there’s no going back,” he interrupts. “There’s noafteryou. You changed me. You made me a better man. But I can’t go back to who I was, and honestly, I don’t want to.”
My breath hitches as I hold his gaze. Because I know this look. It’s filled with determination. And sincerity. And ferocity. It’s one I've seen when he’s on the ice. When he isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty or to fight for what he wants. When it doesn’t matter what the score is. When it doesn’t matter if his back is against the glass and he’s being cornered by every defenseman on the opposite team. He’s going to give it his all. He’s going to fight. He’s going to win. No matter what. And there isn’t anything to change his mind or convince him to give up or throw in the towel.
Nothing.
And part of me is grateful. Seeing his determination despite not knowing if it’s for the right reason. Because I love him. Every piece. And I don’t want to give him up. I don’t want to give this up. Not for anything. Not even for the little boy who belongs to him.
“You said that to her?” I ask.
“Yeah. I told Ellie I want you,” he continues, pushing my hair away from my forehead as a soft smile graces his lips. “I want all of you. I wanna see you with Jax. Holding him. Loving him. I told her I wanna marry you.” His hand slides down to mine, the heat from his palm warming me as he tangles his fingers with mine. “I wanna make babies with you. I told her you aren’t going anywhere, but you’ll treat Jax like your own, and she should be happy for me. Happy I found someone who will support her son the same way she does.”
“What was her response?” I prod.