Page 76 of Take It on Faith
Fifteen
We were hanging out on the couch at my place one night when Michael turned to me and said, “Why not get the marriage license while you’re home?”
The thought made my back slick with sweat and my heart race. Ever since The Leroys’ tour got cut short and I had been home, I had been less and less sure about my impending nuptials. I couldn’t tell if Michael had always been overbearing or if it was a new development. He always wanted to know where I was or where I was going. He used the key to my apartment more often than he did before, and it felt like he was always in my space. Even the physicality of our relationship grated my nerves. Every hug felt suffocating; every kiss felt wet and sloppy. The smell of his cologne was too sharp and not at all like the smooth, smoky chimney scent I was now used to.
It didn’t help that he was unbearably self-absorbed. Everything was about football—the summer training, the new season, the NFL draft picks. On and on and on. And not once did he ask me about being on tour with my favorite band of all time.
All of this was in juxtaposition with how infrequently we saw each other. He seemed to be using work and practice as a way to avoid me; yet, when he actually made time for me, he was all over me—literally and figuratively.
But I couldn’t back out now. The closer we got to the wedding ceremony in front of 200 of my parents’ closest “friends,” the more real it became. When Michael wasn’t working, at practice, or with me, he was meeting with my father about who knows what. I hadn’t realized how wholly my parents had accepted Michael as their own until my mother started wondering if she and I should go to the Family Day that his team held. The thought of Michael joining my family through marriage caused my skin to feel tight, my chest to feel like bursting. It all seemed so fast even though we had been together for over two years.
So even though my mind was ready to implode with the possibility of getting our marriage license much earlier than expected, outwardly, I smiled as if this was the best idea he’d ever had. “You’re right,” I said. “We should do it. Tomorrow.”
“Yes!” Michael looked at me, excitement bright in his eyes. “I mean, I don’t know why we were going with the month-before deadline anyway.” He pulled me to his side and I grimaced. “It’s so arbitrary. I can’t wait to make you my wife, so why wait?”
You want to make me your trophy.The thought dug its teeth into my mind and refused to let go, no matter how much I tried to shake it.
I shivered. The pure, unadulterated Ace that I had gotten used to was buried under the weight of my public face. They each fought for purchase in my mind and in my body. Don’t make a fuss, my public persona told Ace. Let’s not make waves.
But who just wants a puppet?Ace snapped back.
“I’m excited to be married, too,” I ground out with a smile. “This license…it’s one more step toward what we both want.”
Well, at least it wasn’t a lie.
Too bad we want different things.
“Exactly.” Michael laid a wet kiss on my cheek, and I forced myself not to wipe it off. “Then, we’ll be one.”
“Yes,” I said, even as Ace and my public persona wrestled. “And it will be perfect.”
I thanked my lucky stars that Michael wanted to wait until marriage before staying over my place. As soon as he left, I put my shoes on and drove to my hometown. Though it was dusk, and I could see just fine, the scenery passed me in a blur. I couldn’t quell the rising sense of panic at being chained to Michael forever.
I found myself at the most peaceful place I could think of—mine and Andrew’s park. I breathed a long sigh as I followed the path up the hill to our bench. Our now wooden bench. Part of me grimaced at the fact that even parks don’t stay the same. But I needed, now more than ever, a place I could recognize. A place Michael wouldn’t follow me.
A place to truly be the unadulterated Ace that Andrew had called me to be.
Once I sat down on the bench, I texted Andrew. Busy?I asked.
The response was immediate. Not really, why?
Care to meet me at our park? I have some exciting news.
Sure. Be there soon.
As I waited for him, I looked out over the hill. Memories of us lying up there looking at clouds, or sitting on the bench eating ice cream, flitted through my mind with no real purpose or destination. I sighed in contentment at the familiarity of the memories, like a favorite worn shirt, or a baby blanket that had been with me since birth. My mind cherished the memories, turned them around and around in my mind, leaving no detail unexamined.
And that’s how Andrew found me, looking up at the sky lit up by the sunset. When he approached, he stopped just short of the bench. I could tell he was frowning, mostly because it was his facial expression of choice, but also because I was not usually the silent one of the two of us. Finally, he said, “Didn’t you say you have exciting news? Like a positive thing? Because this doesn’t seem positive.”
“Michael and I have moved up the date to get our marriage license.” I tried to dry my palms on my jeans as I stood up to pace. No luck—my hands felt like I immersed them in a pool. “To tomorrow.”
Andrew waited.
“I don’t know if I’m ready.” My pacing grew more erratic. Andrew watched me carefully. “This is happening too fast.”
“You two have been engaged for months, Ace. You knew this was coming.”
“Yes, but we hadn’t planned to do the marriage license thing this soon. It’s too soon. It’ll be all official.”