Page 43 of Beautiful Chaos
When she’s out of bed and her shoes are on, I take hold of her hand and we walk down the stairs together. After telling Katherine we’re going for a walk, I lead Athena out the front door. We take the stairs on the side of the porch that lead to the backyard. There are numerous flower beds filled with colorful flowers that are just starting to droop because of the cooler weather. Throughout the area, there are large trees with low-hanging branches. Here and there, benches and picnic tables offer patients a place to sit and relax in the open air. The area is picturesque and relaxing. A few patients are currently enjoying the freedom of the outdoors with some nurses and orderlies watching over them.
I tug Athena behind me over to one of the benches by a flower bed filled with daisies. The moment she sits down, she tips her head back, her expression serene, as if luxuriating in the heat of the sun. Taking advantage of the opportunity, I stare at her unabashedly.
Her long dark hair flows down her back in a tangled mess, as if it hasn’t been brushed in weeks. Her cheeks are sun kissed, and her nose and cheeks are sprinkled with freckles. With her eyes closed, her long, thick lashes rest against her cheeks. A smile tips up her full, peach-colored lips.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen her more beautiful and at peace. As free as she is at the moment from her dark thoughts, I know it won’t last. These precious moments never do. They’re so special, which is why I try so hard to see them when I’m with her.
Her head drops after a few moments, and she looks down at our hands. Her gaze lingers for a few seconds before lifting. I shift in my seat as she looks at me, her brows pinched together, as if she’s searching for something specific on my face.
“Why do you visit me?” she asks quietly.
“Do you not want me here?”
Her tangled hair swishes when she shakes her head. “Seeing you is the best part of being here. I just wonder why. You didn’t know me before and have no ties to me now. Why would you spend time with a stranger?”
I look across the back yard, trying to come up with a way to explain why I’m compelled to come here. I can’t quite put into words how I feel about Athena. Even in my own mind, the emotions I feel when I think about her are complicated and complex.
I turn my eyes back to her. “I… care about you.” I use the word care because what I really want to say might unnerve her. “I don’t like the thought of you being here alone.”
She ponders my answer for a moment before she pierces my heart with her next words. “I hope you never stop coming.” She looks down at her bandaged wrists. “You keep the voices quiet when they scream at me to end the pain forever.”
Fucking. Hell.
Never have I struggled so hard to keep my hands to myself. My muscles literally tense with the need to reach out and gather her against my chest.
What she just revealed is one of the main reasons I come to The Grove. My head can’t handle the thought of Athena taking her own life. If that were to happen, it would be me who took up residence in her room here, because it would drive me insane. Or worse yet, I may follow her into the afterlife.
My fingers tighten around her hand as I turn on the bench, wanting her to hear me loud and clear. Having her full attention, I look into her eyes imploringly, letting her see how much pain her words have caused.
“You listen to me, Athena,” I say, my voice hard and not giving a fuck. “You tell those voices to fuck off. When they plague you, you think of me. You think of what would happen to me if you no longer existed. Because I’m telling you, God as my witness, I swear on everything I hold dear, if something happened to you, it would destroy every fucking part of me.”
My shoulders rise and fall with my heavy breathing and my chest aches like I was punched in the solar plexus, stealing every ounce of breath in my body.That’swhat it does to me when I envision Athena being gone. There’s no way in hell I’ll be able to cope with that reality.
It’s evident from her shocked expression that I surprised her. Hopefully it’ll be enough to knock out any thoughts of ending her life.
I huff out a breath and turn so I’m not facing her anymore. Using my free hand, I run it roughly through my hair, gripping the strands hard as they pass through. Blood flows hot and cold through my veins.
I need to calm my shit down before I look at her again, because I’m sure my eyes look crazed at the moment. Breathing deeply, I wait for my heartbeat to slow down and for my thoughts of losing her to fade.
Looking back at her, she has her bottom lip wedged between her teeth, and it seems likesheis worried aboutmenow.
I give her hand a soft tug. “I’m okay.” I don’t know if I’m saying it for her benefit or mine. Maybe both.
She bobs her head slowly, but her eyes remain filled with concern. I force my lips to form a semblance of a smile. “Tell me something good that happened today.”
Thankfully, her eyes clear and her lip bounces free of her teeth. She holds out her free hand and wiggles her fingers. “I had my nails painted.”
I look at her newly painted nails. Hunter green. My lips quirk at the color, and a part of me wonders if she chose it because of its name.
“They look beautiful.”
She looks at me shyly. “Thank you. I had my toenails done too.” She lifts a leg out in front of us, stretching her foot. “But you can’t see those.”
“I bet they look just as good as your nails.”
The next thirty minutes are spent talking about nonsensical topics. Athena has never been one to talk about her personal life, and I’ve never pushed, since I don’t talk about mine. Some of my visits are spent in silence. Sometimes we talk about mundane things. The harder visits are when I spend my time talking Athena off a cliff only she can see.
When she releases a yawn, I know it’s time for me to leave. I stand and gently pull her up with me.