Page 92 of Beautiful Chaos
“I didn’t realize until this afternoon that I’m over a month past my period. My birth control isn’t due for another three months though.”
“It could just be stress.”
Though she nods slowly, her troubled expression suggests she doesn’t truly believe it. “It could be.”
“Either way, we’ll get through it.” I wrap my arms around her waist and pull her closer to me.
In the five years since our children were taken from us, having more is one subject we’ve never discussed. Of course, until recently, Cat believed we never had children. With what happened, I believe she never thought about having children because it might have brought back memories of Eliana and Ryder.
For myself, I’ve thought about it occasionally over the years, but never seriously. I’m not opposed to having more children, but I also don’t need them to feel fulfilled. My only concern is what it would do to Cat. Ryder and Eliana could never be replaced, but would having a baby help or hinder her healing?
Cat looks as if the idea of her being pregnant weighs heavily on her mind.
“How would you feel if you were pregnant?” I ask cautiously and watch her expression.
Her lip goes back between her teeth. “I’m not sure,” she replies slowly. “In a way, it feels like we just lost Eli and Ryder, so it’s still so fresh.” Her eyes glisten and she sniffs and blinks back tears. “It kind of feels like I would be using a new baby as a crutch, and that’s no reason to bring a baby into the world.”
“True.” I slip my thumbs under the edge of her shirt and rub them along her lower back. “But you wouldn’t love them any less than you love Eli and Ryder.”
“No, I wouldn’t.” Cat’s eyes drop to the button she’s playing with on my shirt and she lowers her voice. “I also worry I would fail like I did with Eli and Ryder.”
My thumb and forefinger press against her chin as I tilt her head back. Her eyes shine with unshed tears and the look obliterates my fucking heart.
“Don’t ever think you failed, Cat,” I tell her, my voice firm. “Our children were lucky to have you as a mother. I don’t know another woman alive who loved and cherished their children more than you. And they loved you just the same. No one blames you for what happened. Not even Eli and Ryder, if they were here.”
It’s not hard to see she wants to believe me, desperately so, but she still doesn’t. I’m not sure she ever will. Just as I’ll always blame myself for not being there when my family needed me. It’s a burden we’ll both bear for the rest of our lives. But it’s one I’m determined we’ll overcome.
I pull her forward and brush my lips against hers. “I know having another baby is scary to think about. Eli and Ryder are special in every way children can be special. They’ll always be in our hearts and no matter how many children we may have one day, they’ll never be replaced or forgotten.”
As a tear slides down her cheek, I know I’ve touched on one of Cat’s biggest fears. She still feels guilty about pushing our children’s memories away, and now that she has them back, she worries their memories will fade if we have more children.
“Any new child we have will know everything there is to know about the two beautiful babies we lost. We’ll talk about them every day. Their big brother and sister won’t be with them, but they’ll still be a part of their lives. All of our lives.”
Her cheeks turn red as she fights back more tears. She loses the battle when several manage to slip free down her cheeks. I gently kiss them away, wishing I could erase all the bad things that have ever happened to Cat. She deserves only the best things in life. Not the ugly and depraved.
We stay like that for a while, with her face pressed against my front and her forehead resting on my shoulder. My thoughts are filled with what it would be like to have another child, and I’m sure Cat’s are as well.
Our tender moment is interrupted by the doorbell ringing. I press a kiss on the top of her head before I gently push her back.
“I’ll be right back,” I tell her before leaving the kitchen.
I check the camera beside the alarm before I press the code to disarm it. Jimmy’s smiling face is there when I open the door. He’s dressed in a pressed suit and his hair is slicked back, his face shaved clean. It’s strange seeing him in this get-up. Usually he wears jeans and a T-shirt, with his hair less nicely kept and at least a couple days worth of growth on his face.
“Hey, Jimmy. What brings you by?”
“My piece of shit car broke down a block away,” he says, pressing his hands into his pockets and rocking back on his heels. “The tow company won’t be able to pick it up for a couple of hours. I figured I’d stop by for a visit since I’ve got time.” His expression turns sheepish. “And I was hoping you wouldn’t mind if I stayed while I waited for the tow truck.”
Although it’s not the best time, I can’t turn away the man who saved my wife.
I open the door wider and gesture with my hand. “Sure. Come on in. Cat will be happy to see you.”
“Thanks, Hunter.”
Before I close the door, I tip my chin to Damon, who’s sitting in his car out front, to let him know everything is fine.
Jimmy follows me down the hall and into the kitchen. Cat smiles brightly when she sees him.
“Jimmy! This is a pleasant surprise.”