Page 21 of Shadows of the Lost
The only person rejecting my fate was me. Not Okean. Not Kost. Not the rest of my brethren at Cruor. Now I had to learn to live with it, too.
With a shaky breath, I closed my eyes. The heat of Okean’s and my bond ignited with intensity, and I focused on the power I used to wield so easily. A grating, rich intonation met my ears as the beast realm door opened. A pleased yowl crested above the groaning hinges, and Okean bounded out of a pillar of soft, white light. The door closed with his entrance, the magic in his key receding to a gentle flicker of warmth, and my feline beast sank to his haunches.
His liquid-blue coat shimmered as if he’d just emerged from water, and his finned tail flicked back and forth as he studied me. Jeweled eyes, more stunning than any sapphire, stared at me with a strange mixture of joy and annoyance. With a jerk of his head, he averted his gaze and pretended to scour the ceiling.
“Are you pouting?” I crouched before him and offered my hand.
Instead of ramming his head into my palm—begging me to run my fingers over his finned whiskers and scratch beneath his jaw—he batted me away with an oversized paw. A sharp hiss escaped from his maw.
A hollow, deep pain invaded my chest, and I withdrew my hand. “I’m sorry, Okean.”
He didn’t acknowledge me.
“Okay, fine.” I sank to the floor and propped my elbows on my knees. “I’m sorry I haven’t called on you. I just…” I looked away from his frame. Everything about him was agonizingly beautiful. He was a constant reminder of the potential I used to have, but he was alsohere. I could’ve lost my ability to see him like I had the rest of my beasts, but by the grace of the gods—and Leena’s quick thinking to use a Charmer’s key to bind him to me—I could still summon him.
And I loved him dearly.
“I’m a mess.” I dropped my head into my hands. The warm leather gloves obscuring my symbol smelled of oak and hide, and I dug my fingers into my forehead. “I don’t know who I am anymore.”
But it was more than that. I was afraid like I’d never been afraid before. The dark, twisting shadows that I’d begun to wield didn’t scare me, but their power, what they did tomyCharmer magic, horrified me. They’d blanketed out a part of my soul and stripped me of my power to summon beasts. I’d become something else entirely, and I didn’t know how to take the next step forward. And I’d always known how to do that before.
A weak sob racked my shoulders just as something heady and solid rammed into my chest. Okean had knocked away my hands and was attempting—poorly—to clamber into my lap. His weight was crushing, but I didn’t care. In that moment, the only thing I wanted was to hang on to the one thing, the one beast, that made me, me. Wrapping my arms around his broad body, I buried my face in his hide. He plopped his head on top of mine as a deep purr hummed from the back of his throat, sending gentle vibrations down my spine. Silent tears dripped from my eyes.
“I just didn’t want you to get lost in the dark with me.”
It was a fear so great I hadn’t dared voice it before. But it was always there, lurking in the recesses of my brain and growing stronger with every passing day. If I failed and the shadows consumed me, trapping me in an endless existence in the shadow realm, what would that do to Okean? Would he be safe in the beast realm? Or worse, what if he were by my side when it happened? Would he fall into the darkness, too?
Okean didn’t move. He weathered it all—my tears, my fears, everything. And I knew in my soul he’d follow me into the shadows if he had to. Just like I knew I’d do everything possible to keep that from happening.
TEN
KOST
The people of Moeras didn’t bury their dead. They burned them atop cedar beds and covered their ashes in salt. The only reminders the townsfolk kept of those who’d passed were wooden lilies. Handcrafted and painted a soft white, they dangled from the main bridge stretching across the largest portion of the marsh. They danced with the wind, colliding together and releasing a pleasing reverberation like wooden chimes. The tradition had started with the first founders of the town, and as such, there were many—but my gaze settled on only one. Jude’s. I hadn’t been the one to hang it, but I’d watched from the shadows as someone else did. And his name was still etched on the stem, a taunting reminder of a past I’d thought I’d laid to rest.
But as I stood among the dangling tokens of the dead, that decades-old pain throbbed from the scar above my heart. Rubbing my chest, I glared at the homage to Jude. To the person who’d stolen my life in more ways than one and abandoned me when I needed him most. And despite it all, I’d found my way here. The moment we’d set foot in Moeras, the ghost of my past snared me and dragged me back.
“Tsk.” I turned abruptly, knocking several of the lilies with myshoulders, and the cresting mellow tones of wood on wood did nothing to abate my sour mood. For the first time in a long time, I wanted to train like Calem, sparring until my breath gave out and my knees caved. I wanted to feel nothing but the burn in my lungs, the very real, very corporeal pain of pushing my body beyond its limits.
The desire filled me to the brim, and I stormed to the Wooden Flower. Using my shadows to sense where my brothers were, I turned down their hall and sharply rapped on each of their doors.
“Let’s go,” I said without waiting to greet them. I could hear them moving, feel Calem’s surprise in the way he vaulted through the shadows to his door and Ozias’s flicker of concern. From Gaige, I felt nothing. My feet were rooted to the ground outside as I poked at his shadows, trying to sense anything at all. A quiet ring filled my ears, and an uncomfortable tingle prickled over my skin.
Seeing Jude’s flower dredged up more than I cared to admit. About him, about Gaige, about me. It was better for me to simply be Gaige’s guild master. No matter what was previously between us—which was nothing more than a dream, a ghost of what could have been—I had to stay the course. Anything else opened the door for heartache, and I couldn’t do that again.
Gaige opened his door and glanced at Ozias and Calem as they joined me in the hall. Tilting his head slightly, he met my stare. “Where are we going?”
“To the fields to train. Now.”
In a matter of minutes, we were approaching the murky salt marsh, our boots squelching in the uneven muck. With Moeras at our backs and the endless, cattail-ridden expanse before us, there was plenty of room for us to practice—without inciting any major damage. Pausing at a hollowed-out log teeming with moss and toadstools, I unbuttoned my vest and tossed it haphazardly across the wood.
Calem’s eyes were wide. “What are you doing?”
“Training,” I ground out. Rolling my cuffs up above my elbows, I strode out into the glade.
“Yeah, but…” He fidgeted, bouncing from one foot to the next. “Are we sparring?”
“I’m not doing that again. Not with you,” Gaige muttered as he shot Calem a furtive glance.