Page 38 of Out of Reach

“Yeah. I think we can be friends. What exactly is it that you want from our friendship?”

Jude frowned. He understood what Hawk was asking—they lived and worked hundreds of miles away from each other. Neither of them had much free time.

“I think—I’d just feel better knowing that I could call you if I wanted to. And that goes both ways. I hope you would call me if I could do anything for you, or if you just wanted to talk.” He stared down at the knot he’d tied in the sheet, which at that moment felt a lot like the one lodged in the pit of his stomach.

Hawk’s hand covered his in Jude’s lap. “You could’ve called me over the past four years. I would have loved to have heard from you.”

Surprised, Jude looked at him. “I figured you were angry with me. And that eventually you just forgot about me.”

Hawk shook his head. “Confused, yes. Angry, no. You had every right to walk out on me. I treated you like shit.”

Jude chuckled half-heartedly. “You weren’tthatbad.”

“Yes, I was.” Hawk squeezed Jude’s hand. “I’ve had a lot of time to think about it. I didn’t understand why you were walking out back then. It seemed sudden and unfounded. But after a while I began to see our relationship from your perspective. You always giving, me always taking. It wasn’t fair to you. I was gone so much, and you must have been lonely.”

“You gave me a place to live,” Jude said. “And I knew you were a SEAL going in. I didn’t expect you to be there.”

“And when I was there, I didn’t give you all of myself.”

Jude shrugged, looking away. That was the crux of the matter. “You never promised to do that. I always understood our relationship was…uneven. It’s just that, over time, it wasn’t enough for me anymore. I could have explained it better to you before I left, though.”

“You shouldn’t have had to explain it. I was blind. But, Jude, that doesn’t mean I didn’t love you. I did. Very much. I still do.”

Jude tried to smile, but it was difficult when tears were threatening.

“I knew you loved me.”It just wasn’t enough.

“You can’t be with someone as long as we were together and not love them. And I sucked at showing it,” Hawk said. “Even though I’ve got ten years on you, you’ve always been more mature than I am.”

Stunned, Jude couldn’t speak. He’d always felt Hawk thought he was a silly, impetuous pain in the ass who was good in bed and at keeping his plants alive while Hawk was away, but that was it.

Watching Jude, Hawk looked sad.

“I’m really sorry I made you feel less than you were to me. And that I didn’t realize how important you were to me until it was too late.”

Part of Jude wanted to say it wasn’t too late. That they could pick it up again. Lord knew, Jude still loved Hawk. But they’d both moved on. Their lives were in different places.

And just because you loved someone didn’t mean they were the best person for you.

A tear splashed onto his hand.

“I’m honored you want us to be friends,” Hawk said. “So, maybe…calls and texts to keep in touch?”

Jude nodded miserably. Although he was happy to have cleared the air somewhat, knowing Hawk had been suffering the past four years didn’t make him feel any better. And was he stupid to ask that they keep in touch? One day hearing that Hawk found someone new…someone perfect for him…would be devastating.

Hawk went back to packing, while Jude picked apart the knot he’d made in the sheet, feeling like the past four years had only been a transition period. His new life would start when Hawk got on that plane to North Carolina.

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

Hawk

In the two weeks since Hawk got back to Redding, he’d hoped the guys would have another case for him, but nothing had come up. So he’d spent his days exercising and practicing at the shooting range and his nights tossing and turning, dreams of Jude keeping him in a hot sweat despite having opened his balcony doors to the ocean breeze.

He missed Jude. And that pissed him off because in the span of a week, he’d managed to undo all the emotional distance he’d built up over the past four years. But no matter how he looked at it, he wouldn’t change anything that had happened. No way would he have trusted anyone else to keep Jude safe, and no way would he give up that moment when he’d been able to tell Jude how much he’d really meant to him, even if it had hurt to see the shock on his face.

Hawk was drying off after a shower when he got a text notification from Dex.

“I’ve been sidetracked with other work this week, so I just started looking through Jude’s laptop,” Dex said without preamble when Hawk walked into the office.