Page 100 of Because of Blake
I pull away and sit up, swiping at my nose. “That’s the problem. You’re here and Charlie’s not.”
Hurt flashes in Blake’s eyes, but his grip on me doesn’t waver.
“Charlie isn’t here to do all the things you’re getting to do. He’s missing his kids growing up. He’s missing out on all the holidays, the family vacations, and the memories we’re making. It’s his birthday we should be celebrating this month, and he doesn’t get to.” My voice shakes, and I have to pause before I can continue. “Butyou’rehere. Taking all those opportunities. Stepping in where Charlie should be.”
“Maggie, you know I’m not trying to–”
“Let me finish.” I put my hand up. “I know you’re not intending to take his place. I know that. You’ve more than proved it to me. But I can’t help feeling guilty for letting you into these intimate moments of our lives.”
“What are you saying, Maggie?”
I shake my head, my shoulders curling in on themselves. “I don’t know. All I know is I’ve been telling myself every year will be the last time I’m like this. And every year I’ve failed.”
Blake’s hand runs up and down my back, his fingers pressing in gently.
“So, I guess what I need is… for you to go.” My chest tightens as his hand stops abruptly. “Not forever. I couldn’t handle that, but I do need some space and time to work through this. I need to figure out how you can fit into our lives, and keep Charlie here, too.”
“Maggie,” Blake’s voice is tentative, unsure. “We made a rule to help each other through the tough shit. This is what that rule is for. I’m here, right now. I’ll help you through all of this and we can figure it out together.” He’s pleading more than stating.
“No. This isn’t something I can do with you. It has to be me alone. Otherwise, I’ll always be wondering if you swayed my decision somehow. Talked your way into this instead of me letting you in.”
Blake lets out a breath, but it’s shaky and his fingers tremble against my back.
“I’m sorry, Blake. I know this isn’t what you were expecting.”
“I wasn’t expecting anything.” He brushes a piece of fallen hair behind my ear. “Hey, look at me.”
I turn to meet his gaze. It’s full of every emotion I could name. Hurt, confusion, worry, but also desire and adoration. It’s all I can do not to fall into his arms, but I’ve made it this far; I can’t relapse now.
“Maggie, I’ll be damned if I’ll let you go. I will work my ass off to keep you in my life, and if that means I have to give you some space for a while, then so be it. It’ll tear me up, but I’ll go through Hell and back to give you what you need.” He leans forward and presses his lips to my forehead. “You let me know when you’re ready. Until then, you’ve got my number.”
As he pulls away, he stands, and my hand slips from his. I immediately miss his warmth. He walks to the stairs and pauses, his shoulders slumping as he turns his chin over his shoulder. “I love you, Maggie Hansen.” And with that, he leaves.
As Charlie’s birthday inches closer, time seems to creep by. Blake has texted me a handful of times to check on me, which is a far cry from his usual amount. He asks me if I’m alright and what I need. I tell him the same thing each time.
Yes, and nothing.
They aren’t lies. In a way, I am alright. I haven’t broken down once since our conversation three weeks ago, and Sydney even commented on how well I’m doing. That has to mean something.
The only part of my life that has changed since April rolled around is the fact my nightmares have returned. That, and the lack of Blake in my life.
I miss him. I miss his arms around me, his breath on my neck as we cuddle. His deep, velvety voice sounds in the back of my mind as his face flashes behind my eyelids. I even miss the tickle of his beard. He’s the empty spot in my life and my bed, but I can’t bring myself to tell him. I can’t admit out loud I’m craving another man’s warmth. Not when my late husband’s birthday is tomorrow.
Shit, tomorrow?
I haven’t been paying attention to the calendar. I guess nightmare-induced sleep deprivation does that to you.
Chapter thirty-one
CRASH!
My alarm clock flies across the room, crashing to the floor with a sharp crack. “Fuck it. No workout today.” I pull the blankets up over my head and curl in on myself.
I was a fool to think I’d make it through this month unscathed. This month, and the next, are vicious creatures which gnaw on my psyche and cut through my emotions with swift claws. It doesn’t matter how much resolve I think I have; I always turn into a weakling.
The sun is shining when I feel a tug at my blanket. “Mom?” Sydney whispers.
I groan, but don’t move.